Plan

Beginning

New York Subway with Kesh

 

Going to Central Park to do Roller Skating

 

Middle

Forget blades in carriage

Get separated from Kesh

Get pursued by stranger in the subway

Change trains, still pursued

End

Stranger returns camera, he was friendly after all

ALONE

Kesh yelled, “This is it !” as the subway train screeched to a halt. He leapt off with his back pack in one hand and his New York map in the other.

I grabbed my jacket and also (not needed) alighted from the train. As I did so, I saw my roller skates through the glass window, on my seat.

“Wait!” I yelped, “My skates!”

Against the crowd, I pushed my way back in to the carriage , and grabbed my bag.

To my disbelief, as I turned to exit , the doors rolled shut with a thud.

I could see Kesh miming something , but it was not clear to me what he was saying.

A thousand thoughts entered my mind immediately. How will I find Kesh again in the vastness of New York ? What will our parents say? Do I have a contact telephone number for them? In which hotel were we staying in? My mind was blank. ( try just 3 repetitions)

Just then , a tall , black , unshaven man , with a dark full-length coat , leaned over and said , in a chilling voice, “All alone, buddy?”

My heart skipped a beat and then was thumping like a drum. Dad had told me never to talk to strangers. I looked around the musty carriage and pretended that I had not heard him.

All the other passengers had buried their heads in books, papers and magazines. Outside the carriage , the tunnel lights flashed by and the noise was unbearable.

The train screeched to a halt and the doors slid open . and (not needed) I bolted out of the carriage , not daring to look back. I raced up the nearest stairway as fast as my legs would carry me , barging people who were all (remove) walking in the other direction.

I saw another stairway , and ran down them( it) as fast as I could . It lead to another platform. By now , my palms were sweaty and I was desperately looking around for help , but all I could see were more unsavoury characters.

Just then , another train thundered into the station. At the top of the stairs , I spied the tall , dark , figure and he had spotted me too. I jumped into the nearest carriage , as he careered down the stairs.

This carriage was dingier than the last. There were light bulbs missing, seats torn, glass was ( remove) strewn all over the floor and graffiti adorned the walls. There was not a friendly face in sight.

To my horror I saw the man again, eyes red with anger, striding towards me. I turned and hurtled through the doors leading to the next carriage. I barged past everyone , without a care. I glanced over my shoulder, he was gaining on me!

I had reached the last door, no more carriages ; I was cornered! My legs turned to jelly. Just then- try to use different words, the train stopped and the doors rolled open. I darted onto the platform and almost knocked over Kesh. I looked over my shoulder , and there was the man holding my camera.

He pushed it into my hands and said , “Welcome to New York , buddy!” and marched off down the platform , before I could thank him.

It seems I was never alone! ( It seems I never was alone, after all)

Essay Preparation - Alone (Click here for original version)

Really great essay- well done! The use of commas is everybody’s downfall. Keep reading your sentences through, as if you were making a presentation, and think about where you pause. You have used some great adjectives- try and use more similes and metaphors, e.g. the train was as dark as night; I bolted out of the carriage like a hare being chased by a fox etc. Careful you don’t over do the paragraphs- remember TIp- TOp (Time, person, topic, place)