Don't think yu're insensitive for raising this - a few points spring to mind which may help (or not
As your son has Aspergers traits (as does my son so I fully understand) different considerations apply than for other children - I am currently having to look at secondary for 2008 for my son so here are my thoughts:
- have you spoken to the SENCo of your prospective schools, a good SENCo and SEN friendly ethos will make all the difference to your son's secondary experience, if not do this when you know which school you have been allocated
- If you are allocated the Grammar, speak to them about bullying - you say that your son has been bullied, present this scenario and ask how such instances would be dealt with - you can glean a lot from the response. (Ditto if allocated Comp BTW)
-don't base your son's placement on one friendship which can always be fostered even if at different schools and some primary friendships don't survive the move to secondary anyway
- how is the day structured at the Comp compared to Grammar, look at how many lesson changes there are per day, here in Herts my daughter's school has 5 hour long periods each day, some schools have up to 9 short periods - this can impact on organisational skills dramatically.
- Look at the pastoral aspect of the Grammar school, is it geared towards encouraging social development or just academic acheivment.
- check out the DFES website and compare number of children on the SEN register at each school
- Is the 40 minutes travel based on car or bus? If your son doesn't cope with a bus journey, or misses the bus at the end of the day it car an option? Travel time can be "chill" time for some children
- Finally don't be swayed by your son's new primary school, they don't know your son as well as you do and unfortunately SEN kids don't always have their needs fully understood or their potential recognised.
Hope this helps - good luck