Reluctant Child

[Gman]

At 11, and starting high school, I would agree the parent has the final say.

[stevew61]

The struggle goes on...this parent doesn't seem to be in charge. Her arguments are that SPGS is not a "fun" school and doesn't do enough sport.

Then make it sound like fun and promise all the extra sport DD wants outside of school........now you know her arguments you can counter them.

Might be better if the counter argument came from some one other than a parent

Reminds me of the saying "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink"

If all else fails, try the zero choice option, I am the adult, I know best.....

Good luck.

steve

[Ellie]

Worried parent you have my sympathy. Last year in all the excitement, I let DD choose which school she wanted to attend and although it turned out happy and convenient for us, one of my other DD's now wants the same treatment and is saying no to SPGS for the same reason you give.

My reluctant DD has lots of friends at SPGS and other London day schools and knows full well that some of her friends at SPGS found it very difficult (compared to friends at other schools) when they first started. That said, all were fine after the first term.

Notwithstanding the above, I believe that the parent/guardian should decide which school their child attends.

[pebbles]

Perhaps if you have a really good chat pros and cons and went back together to visit with a list of her concerns you could iron this out. But ultimately unless her current school is really poor I would be careful not to force her to go to a school she really does not want to go. She is ultimately the one who has to go. St Paul's is a real commitment and lots of work so if she really does not want to go it will be hard going and I see lots of battles ahead. If she is good enough to get in to SPGS then she will do really well in any good school and will be bouyed by being one of the best.,

[asha]

SPGS might be the most sought after school in London today, but it doesn't suit every child. The child needs to have high self-esteem and be supremely self-confident as most of the kids are over achievers. I personally know a few girls who were high flyers in their prep school and have gone through several bouts of anxiety and self-doubt as it is hard to shine amongst their peers in Spgs. Think hard if your child will thrive in such a high pressured atmosphere. Perhaps your daughter's gut instinct is telling her something?

[Amber]

A brave lone voice there Asha, and while I know nothing of these London schools, I must chip in my support. There is a feeling that 'good' school = high achieving school and you are right, it doesn't suit everyone. One thing which I think is sometimes overlooked on this forum is that highly selective schools jolly well ought to get fantastic results if they are creaming off the highest scoring kids at age 11. They barely have to try if all the children are highly motivated, highly intelligent and highly supported at home. The real achievement is for schools with a more mixed intake to come up with good results, and sometimes these schools might take a gentler and more individual approach with particular types of child.

While I do believe parents should have the ultimate say at age 11, it might be worth looking at your DD's real needs and trying for a minute to put aside the obvious 'kudos' (to borrow an earlier poster's term) of this school.

Good luck with your decision.

[mm3]

Is her current school a good school ? Does she do well there ?

I ask because SPGS is a great school, but it is also very hard work and competitive, and you will have family tension about work-load. It is a pity to have "you forced me to go here" flung in your face - it could make the teenage years very difficult. If she loves her current school, and it is good, be careful about forcing her to do something she doesn't want to do.

On the other hand the converse could apply - "You let me give up my place " .....

Having said that one of my daughters went to SPGS, and thrived. She was very average within her year, was never marvellous at anything, but was very enthusiastic, which is always a great help.



I am not sure that her argument about sport applies - there was huge amounts of sports for those who wanted to do it - the lacrosse and netball teams are very successful, there is a huge swimming pool, a beautiful gym, a dance studio and even some grass tennis courts. In the later years girls who didn't want to do sport were able to get away without doing much - but that applies anywhere. For the younger children there is tons of sport available.

A tough decision for you.

[Sue123]

I agree it's a very tough decision but would echo what Asha, Pebbles and Amber said. Wonderful as it may be for many girls, SPGS does not sound like a good place to be if you feel that it isn't really you, as it were.
My own daughter had an attack of nerves just before starting her (less competitive) indie last year - it turns that she was worried about whether she would be able to make new friends there and she is now very happy. On the other hand, we know another girl at a different indie who now thinks that she chose the wrong school. Also not a good situation to be in.

Is there any way you could call SPGS, explain that your DD is unsure about whether to accept the offer (maybe don't go into full details why or embellish a little) and ask whether it would be possible to come visit the school during the school, with perhaps a quick tour with a current Year 7 girl? (I don't know whether SPGS do offer morning similar to those offered by CLSG - if they do, I would definitely go.)

Good luck with your decision - while most people on this forum and a fair few others would probably give their right arm for an offer from SPGS, the decision is not as clear-cut as one might think and I don't envy you having to make it.

[Sassie'sDad]

As a parent who has given into this kind of sentiment in the past and lived to regret it, I would go with the majority view here. Especially since, late in the day, dd1 (20) now agrees she might have done better if she'd gone to the school of my choice rather than hers. Totally disagree with Asha "Over Achievers" what a rediculous way of looking at the situation.

As a final comment I would ask you to consider how you will feel in ten or twenty years time if you yeild to pressure now and things do not work out well for your child? Will you feel comfortable thinking if only? I doubt it! As others have said, especially at this age children soon adapt and thrive. Don't give undue consideration to their misgivings. They have no direct experience to judge by and little knowledge of the world they are needing to grow up in and manage successfully!

[tranquillity]

I definitely agree with the idea of gently but firmly persuading her to reconsider, and taking her back for another look round might be a really positive move.

But insisting that she takes up this place, because you are the parent, and 'I know best what's best for you, whatever you think ' sounds like a road to disaster! She is, after all, 11 and able to make a choice - it's up to you as a parent to win her round to what you think is her best choice

Persuasion is the key!!

My experience of indies is that they do more, not less, extra curricular stuff than other schools - more sport, not less! - but that if you're good at something, you get roped into being quite competitive in your specialism - playing in school teams, playing in orchestras, etc - and activities that might otherwise be relaxing become quite pressurized. Maybe your daughter is concerned that she won't cope with the pressure, not just the academic pressures, but all the other attendant pressures too of being at a school with a fairly formidable reputation.

Such a hard decision. In her teenage years will she resent you if she feels she's been forced to change schools? Or if she feels you didn't try hard enough to persuade her to change?

Do you know anyone with a daughter atSPGS that your dd would like, respect and talk to/listen to?

Tread softly, catchee monkey