Removal from independent school due to poor attitude?

[Waiting_For_Godot]

You are right Herm, so now to decide to work with what we've got or move to state so at least we won't always be grudging paying fees for nothing.

Chilled, he does not know anything about the schools we have been thinking of and we haven't started tutoring either....

Doodles, he wants to go to the same school as his brother but I have told him countless times he is not going to get in on his current behaviour - this has made no difference, grrrr.

[sherry_d]

I have a feeling its probably not the school thats an issue. You have moved him a few times already so surely moving to him to whatever school (be it state) isnt going to change much of the problems you are currently experiencing. I am not even sure moving him at all now will help because he knows when things go wrong mum will drag him out. Removing him to a state school isnt a magic pill, grammars have kids too who coast along and never fully utilise the opportunity.

Could it also be that he is in the shadow of his brother? Why dont you let him just try for his brother's school? That could give him the motivation to work for it.

[Looking for help]

Maybe he just feels under too much pressure. He is only young, and many children of his age aren't really putting in that much effort yet. ( I'm assuming this is your younger son we're talking about ?).

If he stays in an independent school and you pay loads of money and he doesn't do well, you're going to kick yourself. On the other hand if you move him out and he doesn't do well, you will probably kick yourself even harder.

The one thing I have learned is that you can lead a horse to water etc etc....giving your children the opportunity is the important thing, but if they refuse to make the most of that opportunity, that is ultimately their decision. I can understand your worry, though, I think I would carry on paying the money, if I were you. Not that I would have, of course , if you see what i mean. I generally stay out of the independent section, you understand

[flicka]

Unfortunately in my opinion children just cannot see further than the end of their own noses. I was the same.
You cannot convince them that working hard for a few years at school will be something they can never repeat and will always benefit from.
They live for the moment and if the moment for them should be fun, then woe betide the anxious parent/annoyed teacher wanting them to knuckle down and work.
Whatever you say will not convince him, not even experience seems to convince children that the way they want to live might be a bit mindless.
For them, their life before has stretched forever. They have no sense of time passing and future. Remember when you were a child - days lasted for ages, every minute in school seemed like an hour, a week was an eternity, and a year stretched on and on endlessly. Remember that he only has ten years behind him but for him that is his whole life. So the next eight years lying ahead of him threatening harder and harder work must seem like eons.
For us, looking back, that time of childhood was so fleeting. And for us, living a little through our children, their own childhood seems also to have gone so fast.
The years slip by for us faster and faster, but for all our lovely DS's and DD's, time is crawling past. Their childhood will go on forever, and they don't need to worry about adulthood rearing it ugly head round the next corner.
I know this isn't going to help much, but I think we are banging our heads against brick walls sometimes. Nothing is ever going to convince some kids to work.
I suffer with my son, and worry what he is going to be like should he make it into selective school and be away from my driving influence (he is home educated and copes well with me behind him with a broom).
Best of luck, but maturity, especially in boys (aren't we all married to one?) can come very late indeed.
My own 24 year old DS1 is only recently matured from age ten to age 24, since he got engaged. Hoo ****** ray I say. He was just like your DS. EXACTLY like him in fact - five schools later! But he has a great life now, and is so mature you would not believe he was the same boy who could still stamp his feet in tantrums in his late teens!
Flicka

[solimum]

You mentioned that he will put the effort into music (Is he the one playing bassoon?) Do you know his music teacher(s) well enough to ask their advice? If he aspires to a musical career (inasmuch as a 10-year-old (?) boy aspires to anything!) perhaps an older musician he admires/ looks up to could casually describe how they got to their current position (hopefully by continuing to get on with school work as well as music!)

But please don't despair - I know several other boys who have gone through very difficult patches and seem totally oblivious to parents/ teachers tearing their hair out all around them. Often they do mature later and realise for themselves that it is easier to get things done properly first time around to avoid the hassle for themselves.

[2Girlsmum]

Are there any issues with the other children at school?

My dd was like your son - falling grades, nothing seemed to get through, and we here given displays of fairly juvenile behavior. She also retreated into her ds after school when allowed. I discovered that her so-called best friend at school had decided another girl was her best friend instead, and for many months had been ignoring dd and walking away from her in the playground. The new best friend was a girl who has been very nasty in an emotional and psychological way since y1 and I frankly (very un-PC hate her) she has picked on 3 girls constantly, and at one point was made to explain herself in front of the headmistress with her parents present about a planned attack on another girl in y2. Matters were complicated by the fact that ex-bf's mother (knowing the situation and an educational psychotherapist at a school in another borough) was sending her to us 2 mornings a week at 8am for me to take to school, and sometimes asking other free childcare

This made my daughter feel worthless and unlovable by her friends and very unhappy, but because I had no idea at first (she never told me) I couldn't deal with it. Eventually I spoke to the mother and politely suggested it best if her daughter stopped coming to us in the mornings. I have to say that she was really nasty about it and initially tried cod-psychology, but when that didn't work turned nasty and has never apologised to this day for her actions. It's interesting that her MIL and family think she uses people too....although she doesn't. I spoke with dd and explained that she had done nothing wrong, that they would have grown apart anyway, but the friend and her mother (especially) should not have behaved the way they did. We made up silly names code-names for the friend and the bully and spent last summer and autumn building up her self-confidence. She is fine now and fairly popular. We were working on the 11+ work which helped her self confidence, and extra's like membership to the RSPCA, winning a Blue Peter badge and buying a pet have helped more.

Sorry to ramble, but his behaviour seems so much like my daughter's was that I suspect there might be something similar going on......

[mad?]

Hi Tippo. Is this something you think another change of schools would help or is it that you feel that if this is how he is going to be then you might as well at least save your pennies? I ask because he has changed schools several times before and this does not seem to have been a solution that has worked for you all in the past, so why would it be now? Also, I'd be nervous about him getting the impression that when things go wrong/he doesn't like something that he can walk away from it and move on rather than having to stay and make it work. If, on the other hand, it is about cutting your losses and saving the cash I totally understand. However, are you sure you would be any less concerend about all this if you weren't paying for his education? You seem to be someone who has dedicated a huge amount of time and resource into your DCs' education and I just can't imagine you being happy with this situation even if he was in the state sector. Good luck either way.

[la boume]

Is it the same child you have asked about in SEN section? May be that's the root of the problem? Undiagnosed ADHD or ADD?

[flicka]

Why in the past has he changed schools? Sorry if the rest of you know this, but I wonder if he has had too many changes and can't settle.

[katel]

How many schools has he been to?