Petty bullying at independent school

[push-pull-mum]

She is very bright and stands out a bit

. We looked at several Essex indies for my DD and they did vary alot in how selective academically they are - if the school are unable to solve the problem is there any other Indie option open to you?

Very good point. Essex Indies are a bit of a mixed bag - and a lot of the kids at them are quite anti-academic, especially in Y7, because they are 11+ rejects or kids who have had it rubbed into them by their parents that they are costing a small fortune because they weren't 'bright enough' for the Grammar.
My daughter (an 11+ 'reject' herself) has a couple of friends at Essex Indies who are feeling very bitter at seeing younger siblings excessively groomed for the 11+ because the parents are seeing it as an investment to avoid fees for the child they consider to be 'the clever one.'
Children who bully are often reacting to feeling picked on at home. No excuse - but cocoa0101 made a good point - they can often turn out friends in the end, if dealt with well and quickly by the school.

My mother nearly died of shock the day the school bully turned up at our house to ask my brother to help him with his homework - but they've been friends now for more than 30 years.

[rachag]

I do not think the word 'petty' is appropriate. It is simply bullying and from what you say, the effect on dd shows this. I mention this as applying this sort of term seems something that either schools or other parents apply to minimize a very real problem and to make parents think that they are making a fuss over nothing. Girl bullying, I think, is hard to get a handle on because of it's nature - demeaning the individual, belittling, exclusion, ridicule to victims responses etc.
I would agree as before - approach the school sooner rather than later and be prepared to go back if progress not made.
Also, if it is confined to a certain group rather than from all peer group, do all you can to help dd strengthen current friendships over the summer to improve her general resilience.
Good luck.

[Fran17]

Such a shame that your DD is going through this at her new school. I think you are trying to take a very measured and reasonable approach and I completely understand that you have given her the opportunity to solve this problem herself as it is quite empowering for a child when they manage to do so. However, it seems that it may have gone past this point and is obviously affecting her. I agree with other comments, approach the school. Most teachers are excellent and do not want to think of any of their pupils having to go through this sort of experience. I too live in Essex and from what I hear the Indies are very keen to keep their brightest pupils, it will be in their interest to nip this in the bud. One of my sons had some trouble in year 7. Although he was dealing with it very well, we worried that it might escalate so we approached the school and they dealt with it very well. In year 9 the other boy involved actually apologised to my son for treating him so badly and admitted to having been an idiot. Now some years later, I wouldn't say they are friends but they get on fine and seem to have a mutual respect. With the right intervention by the school these things can so often be resolved. If you are not impressed with the way your DD's school deals with this and things do not improve, maybe then ring the other Indies and ring the grammars to ask for advice. They all seem to be very approachable. Good luck to you and your DD, it's so stressful to see something like this happending to your DC and feeling a bit helpless as to how to deal with it. Please let us know the outcome.

[Turtlegirl]

My daughter had some similar issues at her primary school, and the Head was v keen to stress that my daughter should make the complaint herself to her class teacher, rather than it coming from the parents. The head told us that if it comes down from the parents it can lead to bullies accusing the child of being a 'mummy's girl' (or similar). If the child makes the complaint themselves, this can empower them against the bullies.

Our daughter didn't want to speak to the teacher, but she was happy to write a letter to him, explaining what was happening, who was doing it and how it made her feel. This enabled the teacher to act and sort it out quickly, and everything was resolved within a couple of weeks. He got the boys who'd been calling her names to apologise and once their number had been called they backed off. Our daughter is in the same school and has no trouble with the issue at all and is very happy.

[hopeful5]

hi,
I think it is definitely worth bringing it up with the teacher, especially if it is affecting her work.
My dd had the experience of another girl 'blanking' her, which was very embarrassing socially as she behaved this way in group situations so everyone was aware of it. My dd found it very upsetting especially as she didnt understand why this other girl was like this.
I thought it was due to my dd being quite bright and this girl not being so.
I didnt feel I could go to the teacher, as this other girl was just ignoring my dd, but then my dd told me she has to sit next to this girl in a particular lesson and that in certain situations they had to work together and this girl refused to do this. It was then I felt I could justifiably intervene.
My dd got moved for that subject( much to her relief)
Funnily enough, that girl and my daughter do get on now to the extent that they exchange confidences. I think as time has gone on, they have gained respect for eachother.
At the time, they werent getting on, this girls behaviour seemed to be influencing the other girls. It was very depressing.
I would also say it is a good idea to do extra curricular activities such as sport, music etc as meeting more people is a good thing as it presents more social opportunities.

[mystery]

It's unfortunate all this girl stuff; I find it very irritating as a parent. I just constantly say to my daughter (and I don't know whether it goes in or not) that they are all growing up, they are all learning to be good friends and unfortunately this seems to involve some falling out along the way, and the girls that seem to be really good pals now might not be in a few weeks time and vice versa, but none of it is irreversible ....... they will all be a great gang of friends by year 6, 9, 13 ..... pick a number that seems reasonably far off but not too impossible.

But I haven't convinced myself.

I also think that if the school can do something to improve the group dynamics and squash the nastier aspects which can be extremely distressing, they should do, and it's worth asking them, particularly at secondary school age. By secondary school age you hope that children will have sufficient "manners" for want of a better word to work with someone in the classroom whether they like them that week or not ........ but again I'm probably being over-optimistic.

Anyway, good luck, and do hope that using whatever means you can to improve the situation will make your daughter happier at school.