Class teacher is biased! Please help

[mystery]

Hi, my DD is in Y5 and one among the top performing kids in the class. Her class teacher is being biased. She has her favourite kid in the class and this kid's works are being appreciated always in the class. The teacher always comments that the particular kid is the best in the class and his works are the ones she always look forward to. This is really bringing my DD's confidence down and I feel it's not fair on all other kids in the classroom. Most of the kids in her class are preparing for 11+ including my DD. Being a most important year for these kids, I strongly disagree with the teacher's behaviour. Could you all please let me know your views on how should I react? Should I raise this concern to the class teacher itself? I am confused and worried as I don't want my DD to be upset and lose her confidence because of this teacher's unacceptable behaviour.
Thanks in advance.

We have had this right the way through - for real! I've seen it and heard it for myself.

I'm afraid at the end of the day you have to explain to your child that teachers are not perfect and some do have favourites and for some reason can't conceal this. Also, that their judgement about quality of work is not necessarily better than any other intelligent adult's just because they went through teacher training. I am a qualified teacher. It certainly doesn't qualify you or train you to pick out "the best piece of work" or repeatedly praise a particular child, or decide that one is endowed with the most amazing personal qualities which the others lack.

It's vile in my view. Some teachers extend it to everything - and the same kid gets the certificates, the praise, the awards, the best roles in the plays, the positions of responsibility (despite the child themselves being not pleasant in a way that teachers would not spot) .... the list is endless. We made a joke of it.

There was no way of tackling it with the school as it was endemic and the view was very much one of teachers knowing best and how dare a parent or a child even secretly think that their judgement might be a little off at times.

It's a very useful lesson in many ways. The child who will be damaged most by it is the "favourite". And the teacher is missing out on a lot of pleasure from a lot of little faces a lot of the day by working this way.

[Tolstoy]

I agree with the last two posters.

In my experience both as a pupil and as a parent it is a fairly frequent occurrence. With one teacher I worked out that as a boy if you wanted to win all the awards you had to have a blond wedge cut. Sadly none of mine ticked that box.

[mystery]

Tell you DD not to pay attention to it and give her a lot of praise at home for her efforts. Half-term is coming soon, then there is Easter break and before you know it, your DD will have a new teacher, and hopefully all the current issues will disappear.

Hear, hear! Sometimes, as someone so eloquently put on another thread, you just have to suck it up! This is a life lesson, learn it and move on. Next year, she maybe the chosen one - she won't be complaining of the injustice then ...

JD

That isn't necessarily the case. I had a friend whose sister was a "favourite" and saw other children in the class being shredded for no good reason. She hated it as she felt terrible for the other children. My children hate empty praise. My children went through a long phase where they wanted the recognition = but then after years of trying to fathom why some got it and some didn't and seeing no logic to it at all, on the rare occasion they got some recognition they did not feel pleased by it because they knew it came out of a warped system.

It's the favourite that will suffer. Some of the "favourites" I have seen use deceptive techniques which they get away with. It should be being nipped in the bud at primary school before it becomes a serious issue, poor kids. Short of limelight and lacking the giftedness primary school led them to believe they had, and short of some honesty, they can end up with hard time at secondary school both socially and academically. The others will be way better adjusted and ready to spot the teachers with favourites at secondary and just shrug it off and have a laugh about it with their bigger group of more easy-going children.

Of course, if you think that this teacher is an exception or just a little blind to what they're doing, then it's worth saying something very subtle and seeing if anything changes --- but if it's ingrained in them and / or the school, it's not worth the hassle. Get your child to chat to another child about it who couldn't care less about what a silly old **** this particular teacher is and teach them to appreciate for themselves the stronger points and the weaker points in their own work rather than rely on judgements from people who lack judgement.

[Red rose]

Thank you everyone.

Actually, this is getting worse as today the class teacher has chosen her favourite kid to read his work to the head teacher. The reason was that his work deserves it according to the teacher. And another incident today where this kid has been made to move a level up on his times table chart despite of not finishing the task whereas other kids had to work hard to move a level up.
This is absolutely unacceptable.

I don't want my child to be on this favourite list next year or ever as definitely its not good for the children and end of the day, they will be the loser.

But as a parent, I feel extremely upset thinking that my little one along with other 28 had to face this everyday for another 5 months which is going to be an important academic year. Isn't there any other way to handle this? No matter how much I convince my daughter, I can see that she comes home upset as their hard work is not being recognised by their own class teacher.

All these year 5 children are hearing in the classroom is that, (name of the student) IS THE BEST!
Unfortunately, I don't want to speak to other parents regarding this as I have no idea if they are friends with the other kid's parent.

I am aware that it's a sensitive matter but should I speak to the head teacher straight if I get to meet her at the gate someday?
Terribly upsetting.

[doodles]

This post makes me sad as it takes me back 9 years to when ds1 was in yr3.

The form teacher had a "top table" and she openly referred to them as "her top table boys". I used to grin and bear it even to the point at nodding approvingly when she showed me one of the boys handwriting as it was very neat for a left hander and my ds's wasn't. The snap came when ds1 replied to me that "there's no point mummy there's no space on the top table and she won't move any of them"

I want straight to the headmaster and complained, word of caution though I would think very carefully about doing it this way again as I'm not sure it made me very popular at all, although the following year there was no "top table" and by the time ds2 reached yr3 she had retired.

[PurpleDuck]

I am aware that it's a sensitive matter but should I speak to the head teacher straight if I get to meet her at the gate someday?
Terribly upsetting.

It is an awful situation and I do feel for you and your DD. There are no easy answers to that. You could speak to the school, or the teacher directly, but bear in mind what doodles said about not being very popular in a similar situation... There is always a risk that if you try to tackle the issue, the teacher may start taking it out on your DD and things may potentially become even worse for her, so you would need to consider the question of what potentially would be easier to deal with for the remainder of this school year...

You say you don't want to discuss this with other parents - have you asked your DD whether there are other children in her class who feel as upset about the current situation as she does? If there are more children who feel that way, maybe they are not the 'top kid's' friends and maybe you could get together with a few other mums and bring it up with the school as a group?

[Daogroupie]

Feel sorry for the favourite as this will only last for his time in her class and he will be coming down to earth with a terrible bump when it is time to have a new teacher.

Your dd needs to get revenge in the best way possible. Beat him in something where she cannot hide that your dd has done better.

Your dd could also gently sound out what the others feel about it. It should bring them together as a group.

DG

[Stroller]

It's vile in my view. Some teachers extend it to everything - and the same kid gets the certificates, the praise, the awards, the best roles in the plays, the positions of responsibility (despite the child themselves being not pleasant in a way that teachers would not spot) .... the list is endless. We made a joke of it.

There was no way of tackling it with the school as it was endemic and the view was very much one of teachers knowing best and how dare a parent or a child even secretly think that their judgement might be a little off at times.

It's a very useful lesson in many ways. The child who will be damaged most by it is the "favourite".

Don't forget the solo parts in the choir even though the child sings flat... Oh, wait, I'm thinking of someone else. Let's just say I'm deeply grateful that our secondary school paths went in different directions.

[mystery]

Thank you everyone.

Actually, this is getting worse as today the class teacher has chosen her favourite kid to read his work to the head teacher. The reason was that his work deserves it according to the teacher. And another incident today where this kid has been made to move a level up on his times table chart despite of not finishing the task whereas other kids had to work hard to move a level up.
This is absolutely unacceptable.

I don't want my child to be on this favourite list next year or ever as definitely its not good for the children and end of the day, they will be the loser.

But as a parent, I feel extremely upset thinking that my little one along with other 28 had to face this everyday for another 5 months which is going to be an important academic year. Isn't there any other way to handle this? No matter how much I convince my daughter, I can see that she comes home upset as their hard work is not being recognised by their own class teacher.

All these year 5 children are hearing in the classroom is that, (name of the student) IS THE BEST!
Unfortunately, I don't want to speak to other parents regarding this as I have no idea if they are friends with the other kid's parent.

I am aware that it's a sensitive matter but should I speak to the head teacher straight if I get to meet her at the gate someday?
Terribly upsetting.

Is the chance to read to the headteacher something that they will all get from time to time? Maybe you could mention to the headteacher that you really like the sound of this new scheme as your daughter has been feeling a bit disillusioned with her lack of progress recently and the opportunity of being selected to read to him / her sounds quite motivational.

You could maybe also mention to the head and the classteacher that your child is feeling a bit of a lack of motivation at the moment and you feel some incentives / rewards of some sort would work well. You don't have to directly refer to this other very strange state of affairs.

I wonder if there is something about this that is not what first meets the eye. When did this favouritism start do you think? I think I would talk about it to other parents, if only just to get an impression of other people's perspectives. Until you find out what they think you can't know if this would be a useful thing to do or not. You could say that x seems to be doing really well according to what your child tells you that the teacher says in the way of praise etc most days but that your child is feeling very unsure about whether they are doing well enough or not.

You always have to bear in mind that there could be a sound and concrete reason why this child is being bulled up so much at this particular point in time - but no matter what the reason it's backfiring if it's causing even just one other child (yours) to feel bad about school and the approach needs modifying.

Try your best, hard as it is, never to mention this other child getting so much praise and it deflating your daughter. This gives them the excuse to dress it up as your daughter being a bit jealous of other children when they receive justified praise, or a parent questioning the teacher's judgement about who needs or deserves praise on any particular day.

Instead focus on your daughter needing some extrinsic motivation providing by school as she seems to be flagging at the moment.

Do you get to see your daughter's books regularly or could you do so by leafing through them in her desk drawer after school, for example? If you do, if all else fails, keep a closer check on her books yourself and provide rewards at home for what you consider to be good work - stuff that she's proud of too.

Good luck!

[kenyancowgirl]

My advice? A little of JD's suck it up sweetheart and a little of the telling your dd to focus on her own work and her own achievements. Forget about the "favourite" tag - without corroboration from anyone else, it could just be your dd's perception - it could be true - this kid really could be marvellous and teachers are human, and she may genuinely be delighted with the work he is producing.

YOU can only focus on how your dd is feeling - I wouldn't couch it in terms of how she is feeling "compared with" this other boy - you shouldn't be worried about how other children are doing, but you can be worried about the impact on your dd so, as mystery says, speak to the teacher in terms that your dd is getting disillusioned as she doesn't know how to improve her work/doesn't know if she is doing well, in order to get recognised by the teacher - avoid mentioning the other child.

But you do need to talk to your dd about learning some emotional resilience - wherever she goes to secondary, there will be kids who do better than her, get chosen for things (even if they are not "better" than her) - teachers choose kids to do stuff for different reasons - yes it may be favourites, but equally it may be that something dreadful has happened at home and they are acknowledging how well the kid has done in the circumstances, or just to reward a vast improvement. They have a bigger picture to look at - your dd has to learn to cope when she gets "snubbed" and, as DAO says, channel that into producing something bigger and better that she is proud of.