Here we go again, boys and sports teams
Moderators: Section Moderators, Forum Moderators
-
mummytroubles
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Fri Sep 04, 2009 7:43 pm
- Location: England
Here we go again, boys and sports teams
Does any one else out there have the same problem as me. My DS loves his sport but if I'm honest is plain old 'average/good' at most sports. This doesn't really bother me as I'm just a girl after all and i hated sport at school! I just want him to join in and have fun. He has just started at his big boys GS and already they have picked the rugby and soccer squads and he hasn't made either and he's devastated. We had this all through primary school when he was a solid second team captain in most sports while his closest friends all seemed to make the 1st team. His dad's attitude is to tell him to keep trying and give him loads of sporting tips but to be honest I'm sick and tired of the whole competetive thing and can't face the next five years of this. I just want him to enjoy the sport for the fun...after all it's impossible for all the boys to be in the first team however hard they all try!
Please don't tell me to get him to try other things....he's quite good at most things, choir, drama, public speaking etc but isn't a star in any of them. When did childhood get so competetive?? What do you tell your DS's that are perefctly average at their extracurricular activities but feel like failures?
He's already saying he doesn't like the GS any more....strategies for spinning the 'second team is good' line please!!
Please don't tell me to get him to try other things....he's quite good at most things, choir, drama, public speaking etc but isn't a star in any of them. When did childhood get so competetive?? What do you tell your DS's that are perefctly average at their extracurricular activities but feel like failures?
He's already saying he doesn't like the GS any more....strategies for spinning the 'second team is good' line please!!
I haven't really got much advice, my son hates sports and does not give a monkeys about getting into any teams...
I take your point about not wanting any suggestions about doing other things so, the only suggestion I can make, is that you find out (somehow) which people he admires: sports people/celebrities etc etc who perhaps made the second rather than first teams. Or people who took longer to 'make it' in their passions but got there in the end...
I take your point about not wanting any suggestions about doing other things so, the only suggestion I can make, is that you find out (somehow) which people he admires: sports people/celebrities etc etc who perhaps made the second rather than first teams. Or people who took longer to 'make it' in their passions but got there in the end...
oh mummytroubles, you are not alone!!! honest! The amount of bile, angst, tears I've all but spent ... the bits of being a mother they didn't tell you! I can't reply at length now, but wanted to shove something done (husband shouting for something, boys demanding something else, fast typing and lying demanded)
Do not despair yet! a) I think we live our lives through our kids more than our parents EVER did through us (please don't tell me I'm alone here or I'll sob, but no parent of mine ever turned up for any sad netball match of mine let alone muttered at the coach that isn't it time I had some more court time) b) today is not the end of the world. My boy (ditto to yours absolutely) ricocheted betw the B and teh C teams (smug friend with son in A had to choke slightly come Nov when hers slipped to C, bless). As I say I'm typing like a mad thing now so will revisit this maybe Sun when am 2 boys down! But keep smiling chicken, the next Toby Flood ain't picked yet!
Do not despair yet! a) I think we live our lives through our kids more than our parents EVER did through us (please don't tell me I'm alone here or I'll sob, but no parent of mine ever turned up for any sad netball match of mine let alone muttered at the coach that isn't it time I had some more court time) b) today is not the end of the world. My boy (ditto to yours absolutely) ricocheted betw the B and teh C teams (smug friend with son in A had to choke slightly come Nov when hers slipped to C, bless). As I say I'm typing like a mad thing now so will revisit this maybe Sun when am 2 boys down! But keep smiling chicken, the next Toby Flood ain't picked yet!
Had a bit of this with DS1, despite being a good club rugby player (he looks like a choir boy) he did not push himself forward at school and so made the B team.strategies for spinning the 'second team is good' line please!!
As time passed being in the B team he acted as organiser and captain, it really helped his rugby and personal development. Some of the pushy self promoting boys in the A team got found out in battle!
Now DS1 is a regular in the A rugby team but has to build his confidence to take the poisoned chalice and play at full back,
making use of his strengths. Next step knock aside the glory hunters and play scrum or fly half. 
Does your DS do club football or rugby that might help, the clubs are keener to retain and develop talent, and then he can transfer that skill level into school, good luck.
steve
-
Chelmsford mum
- Posts: 2113
- Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:16 pm
Hi,
i have three children, girls though but its not so very different. They want to be in the ballet class that does grades not levels/make the netball/ hockey/ gym team/etc.
I don't think childhood is much more competitive but as Milla says we are just so much more involved with our kids than our parents. There were teams/contests etc when we were young too.
It is really hard because we feel their disapointment .
However if it is a small consolation then I think if they learn to cope with perceived failure now, life will be easier and they will develop a thicker skin.
I tend to say "ah well we can't all be brilliant at everything". I hope I don't sound flippant, I don't mean to be but the kids that are real high fliers in everything tend to have a big come down at some point.I know some fairly unbearable kids (and parents) who have to be the best at everything.
Sorry -I know that's not a huge help but time will ease the disappointment and he will find a way to shine at something.
As someone else said there are clubs/ leagues with a less competitive etos, e.g everyone gets to play some or all of a match.My daughter used to love the girls league in one of those before we moved.
Lots of TLC this weekend.Hope things get better.
i have three children, girls though but its not so very different. They want to be in the ballet class that does grades not levels/make the netball/ hockey/ gym team/etc.
I don't think childhood is much more competitive but as Milla says we are just so much more involved with our kids than our parents. There were teams/contests etc when we were young too.
It is really hard because we feel their disapointment .
However if it is a small consolation then I think if they learn to cope with perceived failure now, life will be easier and they will develop a thicker skin.
I tend to say "ah well we can't all be brilliant at everything". I hope I don't sound flippant, I don't mean to be but the kids that are real high fliers in everything tend to have a big come down at some point.I know some fairly unbearable kids (and parents) who have to be the best at everything.
Sorry -I know that's not a huge help but time will ease the disappointment and he will find a way to shine at something.
As someone else said there are clubs/ leagues with a less competitive etos, e.g everyone gets to play some or all of a match.My daughter used to love the girls league in one of those before we moved.
Lots of TLC this weekend.Hope things get better.
It is a symptom of a more general problem that some schools/ sports teachers are not interested in sport for all as an enjoyable healthy activity but only in nurturing the A-team stars. My DD had belonged to a gymnastics club at Juniors, was not startlingly good but enjoyed it and wanted to join the equivalent lunchtime group at secondary. However after the first couple of times she gave up in despair - the teacher made it clear the club was only for those who were already good enough to be potentially in the school teams rather than those who simply wanted to progress at their own level and have fun. Ever since then she has hated most aspects of school sports/ PE lessons etc and (despite a regular long walk to school) is probably less physically active than she should be after that early discouragement.
Mummytroubles, I hope you can reassure your son that there are still plenty of ways he can have fun with sport maybe outside school, or at lunchtime informally with friends, and that with all his other interests he might very well be glad not to have the additional pressure of Saturday/ after school matches/early morning practices as well (amazing how often those will clash with the play rehearsal/ music lesson/chess tournament/Maths challenge or whatever, and many PE teachers seem to think that team members should put their sport first at all occasions and not have any other sort of life...)
Mummytroubles, I hope you can reassure your son that there are still plenty of ways he can have fun with sport maybe outside school, or at lunchtime informally with friends, and that with all his other interests he might very well be glad not to have the additional pressure of Saturday/ after school matches/early morning practices as well (amazing how often those will clash with the play rehearsal/ music lesson/chess tournament/Maths challenge or whatever, and many PE teachers seem to think that team members should put their sport first at all occasions and not have any other sort of life...)
If it helps I remember what the head of year said to all parents at induction evening to our DS's school : Please do not worry or fret or get angry that little Johhny hasn't been picked for the team/leadership/club....in the first half term because your son's abilities will become clear and he will get to his level sure enough.
I have always hated the crestfallen face when DS has returned from school and not come first/been picked etc...and there is really nothing that you can do or say if they are that kind of ambitious eager boy - it's a wave that has to be sailed over.
I have always hated the crestfallen face when DS has returned from school and not come first/been picked etc...and there is really nothing that you can do or say if they are that kind of ambitious eager boy - it's a wave that has to be sailed over.
As a Dad to 3 boys and also a qualified football coach with many years experience managing junior football teams, I recognise your frustration and the "devastation" felt by your son. FWIW I believe in selection for sporting teams based on ability but I also believe in giving everybody the opportunity to play [any] sport at the appropriate level. Your son is fortunate in that it appears he has the option to play for the second team. I would encourage him to stick with it. It is an ACHIEVEMENT to be selected for the second team. He has just moved out of a small pool (primary) into a large lake with lots of competition. The first team squad will inevitably have had years of good/better coaching in their previous schools giving them an advantage!! He has just entered Y7 with 5 yearts secondary education and 5 years opportunity to get into the first team ahead of him. He has to deal with so many new changes it would be unreasonable to expect to get straight into the first team at the first opportunity in unfamiliar surroundings.
I have coached in many schools and sadly the general standard of coaching is poor leading to poor team selections. Good coaching at an early age cannot be underestimated in giving some children an advantage over others. If your son is serious about advancing in his chosen sport it may be beneficial to enrol him with a local club where the coaching is likely to be better (but not always!) than at school. Finally, children develop sporting ability at different ages. The first team in Y7 is unlikely to be the first team in Y12.
I hope he sticks with it and becomes fulfilled. It is often better to be capable and confident in a second team than to struggle in a first team. In my experience children will recognise their place in the sporting pecking order and our job as parents is to manage expectation.
Good luck...........
I have coached in many schools and sadly the general standard of coaching is poor leading to poor team selections. Good coaching at an early age cannot be underestimated in giving some children an advantage over others. If your son is serious about advancing in his chosen sport it may be beneficial to enrol him with a local club where the coaching is likely to be better (but not always!) than at school. Finally, children develop sporting ability at different ages. The first team in Y7 is unlikely to be the first team in Y12.
I hope he sticks with it and becomes fulfilled. It is often better to be capable and confident in a second team than to struggle in a first team. In my experience children will recognise their place in the sporting pecking order and our job as parents is to manage expectation.
Good luck...........
-
Sally-Anne
- Posts: 9235
- Joined: Wed Jan 11, 2006 8:10 pm
- Location: Buckinghamshire
I work in sport and it’s true that for a number of boys their self-confidence and self-esteem are closely allied to their sporting accomplishments, so it’s something that needs to be addressed rather than glossed over.
The first question is whether your DS has been unfairly over-looked ie should he, in fact, be in the first team? Is he better than the player picked in his position or is he just disappointed not to get in? Ask him, you might be surprised how realistic boys are about their own ability…
If he genuinely thinks he should be in the first team, he should be encouraged to say so – most good sports teachers should be impressed with his ambition, at the very least, and it’ll keep him in the forefront of their minds throughout the term. (We had this issue with DS last year, though because it concerned an individual sport it was easier to provide specific facts and results to back up his case.)
If it is more a case of disappointment, I would echo previous suggestions that your DS gets his competitive sport outside school by joining clubs etc.
For a positive spin, I would say that if your DS was usually in the second teams at his primary school, he has done REALLY WELL to make the second teams at his – presumably – much larger GS.
He’s now competing against a much bigger cohort, and also probably against boys (from prep schools) who will have played a lot more competitive sport than he has. In my experience this gap starts to narrow over the first 1-2 years at GS when natural talent starts to outweigh those who have just played and been coached a lot more when younger.
Being pretty good at most things, as you say DS is, is success, not failure and generally speaking a better preparation for life than being very good at one or two things.
Academically, we encourage our children to do the best they can rather than comparing them directly with their classmates’ performance, don’t we? Sport should be approached in the same way. The thing for your DS to focus on is doing the best that HE can do and seeing where that takes him rather than worrying about comparing himself to anyone else (sorry, I know that’s a real cliche, but it’s true nonetheless). After all, with regard to sport, there’s always going to be someone better than you (unless you’re Federer, Woods or Rooney!).
HTH a little bit.
The first question is whether your DS has been unfairly over-looked ie should he, in fact, be in the first team? Is he better than the player picked in his position or is he just disappointed not to get in? Ask him, you might be surprised how realistic boys are about their own ability…
If he genuinely thinks he should be in the first team, he should be encouraged to say so – most good sports teachers should be impressed with his ambition, at the very least, and it’ll keep him in the forefront of their minds throughout the term. (We had this issue with DS last year, though because it concerned an individual sport it was easier to provide specific facts and results to back up his case.)
If it is more a case of disappointment, I would echo previous suggestions that your DS gets his competitive sport outside school by joining clubs etc.
For a positive spin, I would say that if your DS was usually in the second teams at his primary school, he has done REALLY WELL to make the second teams at his – presumably – much larger GS.
He’s now competing against a much bigger cohort, and also probably against boys (from prep schools) who will have played a lot more competitive sport than he has. In my experience this gap starts to narrow over the first 1-2 years at GS when natural talent starts to outweigh those who have just played and been coached a lot more when younger.
Being pretty good at most things, as you say DS is, is success, not failure and generally speaking a better preparation for life than being very good at one or two things.
Academically, we encourage our children to do the best they can rather than comparing them directly with their classmates’ performance, don’t we? Sport should be approached in the same way. The thing for your DS to focus on is doing the best that HE can do and seeing where that takes him rather than worrying about comparing himself to anyone else (sorry, I know that’s a real cliche, but it’s true nonetheless). After all, with regard to sport, there’s always going to be someone better than you (unless you’re Federer, Woods or Rooney!).
HTH a little bit.
