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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 2:12 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 12, 2007 12:42 pm
Posts: 3818
Location: Chelmsford and pleased
Hi, this is not a post for boasting and I hope it isn't taken this way.
I know that other forum members have exceptional children and I have been feeling very sorry for DS recently I wondered if sharing our woes would help.

For context DS is towards the very top of his year in a "superselective" GS. I had hoped that he would find "like-minded" souls at his GS.

For DS primary school was a nightmare; he was a social pariah and vilified for being bright.

DS is being a monkey, which alienates some teachers. A few weeks ago he expressed the fact that he was bullied and the school were quick to try and help.

At parents evening several teachers commented on his poor social skills as well as his poor behaviour. Some pointed out that at times he seemed miserable and that at times he said inappropriate things which upset some of the other children. I know the tone that he uses sometimes - it is pompous.

The very able are difficult to discuss, even here, nobody wishes to boast. Most parents say "Well they can't be good at everything." Sadly, sometimes they can be good at everything academic and still feel really lonely.

DS is old enough to recognise his problems and is considering leaving school. I am wondering whether or not to support this desire and home educate him. I have always regretted keeping him in primary school. My aim had been to improve his social skills, but that was to no avail.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 2:50 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 17, 2006 8:54 pm
Posts: 1770
Location: caversham
Quote:
DS is old enough to recognise his problems and is considering leaving school


Slow down please. :) If I had a penny for every time my kids wanted to quit school.....

Very bright but socially inept (sorry probably not the best word!) seems familiar.

Have you tried having an ed psyco. assessment?

Home schooling would deprive him of the superselective environment and reduce opportunities to practice social skills.

Sorry if some of the above sounds a bit pompous :wink: , but hey I guess I am probably lacking in social skills. :oops: :lol:

The great thing is you are thinking about ways to make the situation better. :D




steve


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 2:55 pm 
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Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2009 12:47 pm
Posts: 698
Location: Essex
Tricky.

I think taking your DS out of school is a really drastic step. He can't be taken out of real life later on so he needs to learn to deal with the social situations he finds difficult. Also, he's at a fantastic school and I think it would be difficult for any individual teacher/parent to match the education he's getting there.

Assuming it's not a problem with his hard-wiring (has an autistic spectrum disorder been ruled out?) can you see any way forward with a reward system? Reward him when he shows that he has been considerate of others, thought before he's spoken etc? Similarly, deny him something he values when he is offhand/pompous. I don't know how old he is but perhaps you could get him involved in some sort of voluntary work with, say, the elderly. Give him something to think about and in a setting where glib remarks won't get him anywhere.

Sorry, I've gone on a bit! :(


Last edited by First-timer on Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 5:16 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 23, 2009 6:18 pm
Posts: 147
Location: NW Kent
Hi

I'm the mum of 2 boys on the autistic spectrum(ASD), both have Aspergers Syndrome(AS), but both are very very different.

I wrote a very long post about as it is very dear to my heart but then deleted it all. A lot of the traits mentioned in the above posts are autisticy in nature but also seen in "normal" children. For me it was the way and the degree to which my children do these things that made them different.

For help, if considering an ASD, there are always local disabled charities who are more than willing to chat informally and point in the right direction. Ask at school they may be holding back - with my first son they were. Or read a Tony Attwood book - excellent - it all fell into place with my older child.

Above all if you have any doubts take it further as if your child has made it this far on their own they will go on to be successful adults.

I hope this helps its not meant to upset or offend.

Fluffy


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:32 pm 
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Joined: Tue Dec 13, 2005 12:49 pm
Posts: 1647
Location: berkshire
Hi Moved,

I really feel for you as i can empathise fully.... I, like fluffy, have tried to compose several replies to you .. only to delete them.

Home schooling is such a big step... but I have considered it at stages throughout my sons school life (especially Yr 5 & 6)

My son had limited social skills.......but is in top groups at grammar school.

He has had difficulty throughout his school life with interacting with his peers but now in Yr 10 has (I hope) finally learnt how to temper his obsessions and listen to other childrens point of view even if he disagrees with it (or knows that they are wrong).
Believe me it has not been easy....... and we have had meltdowns, refusal to go into school, bullying issues..... but they can be overcome and by resolving these issues now it can only help in later life.

My son is on the SEN register at his grammar school... he is said to have 'Aspergers' traits. He has no 'behaviour' issues but his teachers say that he can sometimes take issue with other pupils in the class and 'teasing'. This will then throw him for the session.

My son has 'learnt' the right responses to counteract any teasing but it does not come naturally.

Life is easier now.... he has friends that share his obsession of rollercoasters (adrenaline junkie) and Xbox............ and is being accepted for who he is....... a normal boy with an off centre personality.

Keep at it....support him.... I am glad I have perservered with the help of an excellent Senco at his grammar school. :roll:


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 6:56 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:16 pm
Posts: 2113
Hi Moved,

I won't repeat what I have said elsewhere but I just want to echo Chad's comments.It does get easier.It is a combination of the fact they learn some of the necessary social skills and that they find their kindred spirits in school.Speak to the Senco as you need to feel you are doing everything you can .
Home schooling can work but if you worry about his social skills, where will he learn to lose some of the "edges" that make him attract the wrong sort of attention? Just my opinion of course but I would say hold fire on any thought of withdrawing him.
Wishing you all the best.He is a work in progress and it will get easier.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 7:38 pm 
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Joined: Mon Mar 08, 2010 4:56 pm
Posts: 37
Location: Essex
If your child really does not like the school and is being bullied I would arrange a meeting with head of year/deaputy head and talk things over. Home education might not be a good idea as your child would not gain social skills but that could be made up by other activities(sport, drama etc)


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:06 pm 
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Joined: Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:03 am
Posts: 52
Location: birmingham
I've huge sympathy for you as the parent of a son like this as my eldest was very similar (and bright-but-slightly-odd youngest has lots of social problems too) - very, very bright but very poor social skills. Primary school was a bit of a nightmare for the eldest as he simply didn't seem to understand how to make, or keep, friends. I seriously considered home schooling for several years, but eventually decided that, as an adult, he'd have to find a way, somehow, to live in the 'real' world with other people. Therefore, even if he found school hard because of his dreadful lack of understanding of social situations, I still thought that somehow he'd have to cope.

This wasn't really as harsh as it sounds!! I tried to give him masses of support throughout :lol: I was trying to take a very long view from an early age, I guess.

His secondary school years were a lot better than primary as he was very academically adept at a high performing grammar, and there were other boys there who were similar to him. He even told me, in Y8, that he was a geek in a school where 'geek is an acceptable sub-category'! However, he struggled badly in Y9-11, and his school brought in an educational psychologist who saw him for a lot of individual sessions during those two years. My son says this was essential to him managing to find ways to feel that he could fit in enough to enjoy school. His sixth form years were fine, as he was accepted for who he is - he's a lovely person underneath a slightly odd, sometimes abrasive, exterior - and some of the corners of his abrasive manner had rubbed off a bit by then, so a social balance was struck, so to say.

He's now at uni, doing very well, has a fabulous girlfriend, still finds it hard to make friends, but tries his best, and has a raft of ways of rubbing along with the people around him. He's never going to set the world alight socially, and will probably always struggle a bit, but he can manage enough to get by.

It's been a very long road, painful for him, and painful for me, but I'm glad he stayed in school, albeit with a lot of support from the ed psych for part of his time.

You are not alone, and neither is your son, so going into the school and finding out what they can offer in order to support him is what I'd recommend, as this worked for us. There's a lot on offer out there, if you know where to look and are persistent.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 8:18 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 13, 2007 10:47 am
Posts: 3310
Location: Warwickshire.
No experience/advice to offer really.
My gut reaction was that, if at all possible, you should try to keep him in a school environment for social reasons. I'm sure that feels difficult right now though.

All the best.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 28, 2010 9:41 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:20 pm
Posts: 4660
What a fabulous array of answers there.

Nothing I can add to any of them, but you have a lot of wonderful support here. I do hope, over time, and with your help your son will be able to manage, I'm sure he will with a caring mum like you.

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