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 Post subject: To slap or not to slap?
PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:00 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:51 pm
Posts: 68
Location: CORNWALL
DD moved to indie junior for Yrs 5 & 6. At top of year group of 60+. Sweet, gentle, fun and good-looking. Wouldn't say boo to a goose.
Spoke to school in Yr 5 when physical bullying by one girl escalated and was putting my DD off school completely. It has resolved but I don't know whether that is due to any intervention by school or whether it has happened naturally.
Now in Yr 6 a new girl is causing much grief. Poached DD's best friend and now moved in on new friend too. Ex-best friend keeps returning but jumps whenever the new girl clicks fingers. Seems that others join her in order to avoid becoming the butt. Very gossipy, spreads rumours, makes spiteful and derisive comments within earshot and slapped DD across face before the Easter break :evil: . My inclination was to steam into the playground and do some slapping myself but DD begged me not to say or do anything. The fact that I did nothing has played on my mind since. Things now becoming tense as two school trips imminent and coach seating and bedrooms to sort.
It colours her experience of school and intensifies any other negative aspects of the school day such as Form teacher misplacing her artwork so that only her's is not displayed or eligible for competition! And she was so proud of the piece :( No apology either, to add insult to injury.

Apart from the 'normal' argybargy, there are 3 girls in DD's form who operate separately and try to make life miserable for those who don't join their respective gangs. I know that other parents have had/are having similar problems but none of them have said anything to the school.
Having been in already, I feel hesitant to go in again. I suppose I don't want my DD to be perceived as the only one with a problem and to be labelled as a victim.
Wondering whether to talk it through with new girl's parents who seem very nice?......... :? Anyone got any advice please?


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:07 am 
I would go back to the school and be very forth right about your concerns. If they don't sort it out then I'm not sure the school is good enough for your DD. Being top of the school she should be an asset to the school. Unfortunately though, schools only tend to take note when a child is removed which has happened in both the schools my youngest was at. The moment I pulled him out they implemented all the changes I had asked them for! :roll: :x


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:11 am 
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Joined: Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:16 pm
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My very strong advice is go into the school again.Do not approach the parents or definitely the girl as this could be turned against you.
Go in request a copy of their bullying policy and ask for the Head to be at the meeting as well as the teacher.
Lots of the stuff you mention e.g poaching friends is sadly typical girl stuff ( I have 3) and people can't be poached if they don't want to be.That doesn't stop it hurting though. :(
However slapping is outrageous and the school need to take it seriously.At the meeting outline exactly waht has happened and ask what steps they will be taking especially regarding the holiday.It doesn't matter that you have alredy gone in...go up a gear with the school.
Good luck x


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:14 am 
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Joined: Mon Nov 23, 2009 12:06 pm
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Location: Rugby
DD might be too young, but you never know - could try teaching her body language, NLP etc. Lots of books available. It helps with reading other peoples intentions and also helps you send out the message you want.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:32 am 
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Location: CORNWALL
As it happens, we have declined their scholarship offer for senior school so we only have another couple of months to survive this group of children. Her experience has influenced that decision to some extent. Had she been really happy there then we may have stayed through the senior school.

If only this last term could be enjoyable though! The physical stuff was easier to approach the school with as it is more tangible and not easily dismissed as 'normal' behaviour for 10/11 yr old girls. The emotional angle seems much worse. More hurtful and more difficult to stand up to. :cry:


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:35 am 
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I would not hesitate in going into the school - slapping somebody across the face is physical violence and completely unacceptable. Forgetting all the other stuff this child should not be alllowed to get away with slapping another girl around the face.

Sorry for ranting - not having a go at you personally - just hate this sort of thing.

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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 10:37 am 
I'm sorry to hear you have had to pull her out. I suppose she can either keep her head down this term or come out of her shell as she has nothing to lose. Did you tell the school your reasons behind your decision?


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:38 am 
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Joined: Thu Nov 12, 2009 7:51 pm
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Location: CORNWALL
Thanks for replies T.I.P.S.Y, CM, DE and doodles.

I so wish I had gone in straight away after the slapping incident. Bad judgement on my part.

We have been looking at body language and karate classes (practising what I have preached elsewhere!) so hope she will soon exude a 'don't mess with me' aura :D I am worried that frustration will build and she will eventually turn round and wrap a reverse back kick around someone's head :?

This is only part of the reason for leaving: we had the opportunity to relocate to a better area and choice of mixed grammar school or mixed indie so took that option rather than stay.

I will go in and speak with them again.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:47 am 
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I have nothing really concrete to add to what the others have suggested, but I do think that if you can think of something so that your daughter goes out of Year 6 on a "high" rather than feeling this is a situation she has not coped with well that would be a very good idea

e.g. a year 6 leaving party which you and your daughter organise that includes a largeish number of children, but not the ones she really can't stand - or even better which does include some of them if it's a structured situation in which there would be no upsetting behaviour for her.

I do think that schools do have some influence over these things - even the typical nasty girl behaviour - but it is not many teachers / schools that have the time or expertise to influence these things.

There's a really good book for parents - helpful from pre-school to teenager - "The friendship factor - helping our children navigate their social world and why it matters for their success and happiness" - it may be worth a read.


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PostPosted: Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:49 am 
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I have edited my profile - don't want to be identfied!

A friend's DD went through something similar at her indie primary. Not sure that it ever got as far as violence, but the emotional stuff, as you say, was horrendous. I was so outraged that I wanted to go in and shout at them. I can only guess at how the parents felt. To make matters worse one of the teacher's daughters was involved because she feared the ringleader would turn against her. My friend's DD is the only one from her primary to go to her sec school and she is now very happy. Obviously, I have just my friend's version of events, but I know her daughter and she sounds similar to yours.

Please go in and talk to the school. Where I work we often have parents who are very vocal when it comes to defending their child's poor behaviour, so the school is pretty keen for the innocent victims to have their say.


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