What would you do in this situation?

[Tea Lover]

Sorry to hear about your DD's play-date difficulties. I wouldn't take it personally and am sure you make sure your DD doesn't either. I think that kids have so many weekly activities these days (far more than when I was a kid) that planning play-dates can be tricky. I know it's caused us problems and it's been the case of having to miss an activity to play with a friend. It would be much easier if kids had fewer activities planned!

As for the parent who said they couldn't accept the invitation for their child to come to play because somebody else might invite them - do they sound like the sort of people you'd want your child mixing with anyway. That's just plain rude! Maybe that's why some turn away rather than look you in the face, because they know their behaviour stinks.

The small number of children could be a problem though as, like you said, it does limit friendship possibilities. It couldn't hurt to check out other schools, even if you decide against it. Boys can be great fun. If there are boys she's friends with, perhaps she could play with them. My DD loves playing with boys as much as girls. In fact, I think she prefers it! She's year 5 and is still sees them very much as playmates - not as boyfriends.

Sherry_d
I wouldn't read too much into your DD not being in the same cabin/dorm as the girls she put on the list. My DD was also on a residential trip last week and there were a number of girls who weren't placed with the friends they'd listed. Even best friends were separated. I think the school wanted to make sure that quieter ones had the chance (i.e., were forced) to mix with others, rather than sticking with one or two children they usually play with. There could have been many reasons for the way the groups were aranged, and the teachers would have had most control over who went with who. They only take the kids views 'into account'. So please don't be upset about it.

I hope things improve for you and your DDs.

[doodles]

Admittedly the small number of girls could be an issue - and it wouldn't be the first time I have heard of this being the case.

However the tea-date issue may be more to do with the time constraints of the other families. I am not condoning the rudeness you have experienced, but I used to find it really hard to reciprocate playdates during term time for DS2 as I often had to go out to pick up DS1 later meaning it was hard for DS1 to invite friends around. DS1 used to finish school at 3.30 p.m. and while all his mates were off playing with each other we had to go back to school at 5.30 p.m. to pick up big brother - not conducive to inviting children around.

I would really try and bolster your DD's confidence and try not to let her worry - I know it's hard - but I for one am somebody that has a few but good friends - perhaps she is just like that too I know one of my DS's is.

[Just1-2go]

I can't relly add much to whats been said but I really feel for you mystery it is a heartbreaking situation,

The poster who said that the boys' parents just seem to get on with letting them mix and play after school more than the girls is just right where our class is concerned.

It may be more a numbers thing, my son had a very similar situation at his last school with only 5 boys in the class and the fact that he is unusual because he doesn't like football,the best thing that happened to my him was a new child starting in the class, I almost pounced upon the poor mother before anyone else got them round to play!! There are only 8 boys out of 28 in his current school but thankfully he has found a couple of kindred spirits - Luck of the draw!

You may also find if she does extra stuff outside school, she may meet other girls she may get on with esp if they share the same interest. There are more activities available from 7 years so that may be another option to explore to build friendships.

This is a great idea, sadly (i obviously don't know specifically about your child) some children who are keen to be friends often come across as needy - this would be a great confidence builder and give her other interests.

However the tea-date issue may be more to do with the time constraints of the other families. I am not condoning the rudeness you have experienced, but I used to find it really hard to reciprocate playdates during term time for DS2 as I often had to go out to pick up DS1 later meaning it was hard for DS1 to invite friends around. DS1 used to finish school at 3.30 p.m. and while all his mates were off playing with each other we had to go back to school at 5.30 p.m. to pick up big brother - not conducive to inviting children around.

I'm with you on this one ds2 can only have friends round every other friday as that is the only day I don't have to run around after the older two!

I hope it gets better soon.x

[2Girlsmum]

Ditto. My daughter became friends with a girl in Reception class (she's in Y6 now) who was apparently her best friend that year. Another girl in the class decided this friend would be her best friend, in the beginning I suspect to spite dd as she seemed to move on her only when dd was around. They attended the same after-school club 2 days a week. My daughter was excluded from the girls who should have been her peers by this girl, who IMO has strong psycho/sociopathic tendencies!

In Y2 several mothers who were dealing with unhappy children due this girl met to discuss strategy as she was making nasty comments and playing games with deciding who was 'allowed' in her clique and who was her 'arch enemy' (age 6/7 remember!). Finally she decided to celebrate a newly-exiled friend's birthday by making every child in the clique bring something to school that day to mix together and throw on this girl to 'get her into trouble at school and at home on her birthday'. The list included flour, food dye, eggs and dirt. One of the children showed the list (written in the girls handwriting- so evidence) to her mother, who was on the Board of Governors at the time and she went straight to the headmistress. The family were called into school for a 'chat' and things quitened down for a couple of years.

Last year dd's best friend was always busy and couldn't make playdates, but could arrive on our doorstep at 8am twice a week to be taken to school, and sometimes after school also when her mother was working extra hours. It turns out for over a year she was best friends with this girl and had be having playdates with her. She completely ignored my daughter at school to please her friend. I spoke to her mother in May explaining the situation after it bacame unbearable to me. This girl would arrive at 8am and sit silently at the breakfast table. She would run away from us and into school as soon as we crossed the road near the school without a 'goodbye' or second look. The attack on my daughter and myself that came were very enlightening! Apparently this girl was lovely, sensitive and kind, and it was my fault that she was in trouble in Y2. Apparently I was stupid to not understand that children change friends and I was being difficult not taking her daughter! Subsequently I've ignored them and told dd to be polite to the girl, but not trust her anymore because of the way she has behaved and let her down as a friend. DD's self-confidence was rock-bottom last year because the way her 'best friend' acted, and I couldn't understand why. She felt that to speak badly of her 'friend' would be unkind (ironic considering what was going on at school). Luckily the holidays came and we planned lots of nice activities to take her mind of it including Sport's camp with a close friend from nursery which was lovely.

She has thrown herself into her 11+ work and doing really well. This girl has to mark dd's maths test and she hers. Dd scores 49 or 50/50 weekly, and Little Miss **** 45 or 46/50. LOL it's the little things.....DD has made new friends and dd2 is now in the same playground and much happier. She still is excuded from the group, but at least now understands that it is only for this year, and that it isn't her fault and that they actually aren't worth it.

I agree with the others about trying other groups/clubs. It will show her that there are children out there who are kind and friendly and nice and LIKE her:)

[P's mum]

Interesting to read other people's experiences since we've been through much the same.

When my daughter was at nursery she kept inviting a child home (having put some sweets in a bag to give her when she came). After a fortnight she realised that this child would never come and took the sweets to school. I was crying inside for her. In desperation having invited various children who never came I asked a friend of mine if her twin sons aged 7 could come instead for a sleep over. Although they came it transpired that they had NEVER spent a night away from home and only one night away from their mother since birth. I decided that one issue was that people are so hung up about child abuse (or similar) that they simply will not allow young children into a house where they do not know the parents well, as for sleep overs.... Lots of parents are so over protective that children just don't stay over night anywhere at primary school age. So if you aren't part of a parents' group...

We then moved abroad and my daughter was in a very small mixed age class. She tried to be friends with the boys, I think more common interests and fewer language problems given the games they played (e.g. football). Initially she was bullied (I caught 6 boys chasing her with icey snow balls). I went into the school to complain - the Swiss don't do that I think that the teachers were quite shocked by my behaviour, though they stopped the bullying (and mistakenly told her that if she chose girl friends they would would not be so rough - but she had nothing in common with them.)

I can still see the joy with which she danced through the village when she invited her first friend, a boy, to tea 10 months later.

When she returned to England three years later (aged 11) I had to assure the parents of her three friends (now one more boy and finally a girl) that they really were invited to stay. I organised the following summer round the one week all three children could come - one got cold feet and persuaded all the others to pull out (all those knivings in London, actually I think that it was simply an unwillingness to be parted from their child)! The summer finally one came, that first little boy who had come to tea.

She went to a mixed boarding school at 11. Her friends were still mainly boys. Interestingly she did make girl friends in the first year. I think because at the beginning the boarders were quite segregated by sex, it took longer to make friends in the class - though they seem to be predominantly boys with whom she plays football. None of them have been invited back though we've had various girl boarders.

So to my mind the morals are:
other parents are odd
deal with serious bullying
but you can't make friends for your children, though inviting children of your friends may ease the pain
small classes are difficult (but I wouldn't risk moving schools it may not solve the problem - parents are odd)
boy friends may be less demanding and may even last (her main friend in London is another boy, this time younger and the son of friends of ours).

P's Mum

[Snowdrops]

You know what's so gratifying about this thread? It's that it isn't just one person who's having to suffer - not that I wish anyone to have to suffer. But it means we're not odd after all - which is a relief!

My dd now just shrugs her shoulders and knows 'that's life'. She knows it's not her when people act strangely, and that you can't account for everyone.

It's just me that's paranoid

[silverkaylah]

Hi

I've only just seen this thread but felt compelled to reply.

Your situation sounds all too familiar.
My daughter has never really had a "best friend" at school. The reason being a mixture of different circumstances. Firstly, many of the mums were in a click and saw each other outside of school which bought their children together, these mums, whilst pleasant enough, were not my "cup of tea" as far as social pals go. Also one of the mums in the school was a child minder and many of the girls in my daughters class were either going to her or had gone to her in the past so there was another link.

One of the main problems though that I have found is that there is one girl in particular who seemed to have some kind of hold over many of the other girls in the year. For some reason she was thought of being the best thing since sliced bread and seemed to enjoy her status. For some time my DD was calling this girl her best friend. I found this very hard to understand as every year when the birthday parties came around, whereas my daughter would invite most of the class, this particaular girl invited practically everyone except my DD. In fact one year my daughter asked her (after the invites had gone out) if she was invited to this girls party and the girl said she would wait and see if someone couldn't make it and then maybe she could have their place!! I of course told my daughter that she would not be taking her up on that offer.
Her school has friendship benches designed so that children who are on their own can sit and others will see them and hopefully include them in their play, my DD has spent many playtimes sat on a bench all alone. I have been in to the school on two occasions to suggest that I will bring her home for lunch, each time they have had a general talk with the class asking the children to be mindful not to leave others out.
She is now in year 6 and over the past two years I have got her involved with activities outside of the school, football and brownies. Not only has this given her a completely different set of friends but it has also given her new confidence in herself.
Funnily enough, as time has gone on and the girls have developed their own minds, many have come to the conclusion that the particular girl who was the centre of the school isn't that nice afterall. In fact many have befriended my DD as she has shown that she is not needy and can stand on her own two feet.

Big hugs for your DD xx

[Charlotte67]

Aw Mystery, how horrible for your daughter (and for you). Children can be horrible and parents can definitely be odd. Our infant school has a friendship bus stop, similar I imagine to silverkaylah's friendship bench. I think many infant schools have a similar system (which probably, thb, have limited success) yet, interestingly, these are seldom necessary in junior schools. Hang on in there - things are likely to improve in the next couple of years as the children mature.

The parents, however, are a different matter. Unfortunately, some are just odd (and perhaps not too well brought up or, dare I say, intelligent). A friend's daughter was still having parties in Y7 to which she invited perhaps 10 children, half of whom had different invitations inviting 'Special Friends' (yes, honestly!) to stay to sleep over. Those who were not deemed to be 'Special' had to leave at the allotted time to smug waves from the special ones. BTW, this is not written in bitterness, my daughter was 'Special'. We were busy that day.

Sorry, off on a tangent! Just to illustrate the oddness of some parents.

I did, at one stage, consider moving my son as he did not seem to gel with (m)any boys at his junior school - he was happy there, having mainly girl friends, however, I felt that he was missing out on *something*. I didn't move him and he is now 3 weeks into a boys only secondary school and loving it!

I'm sure she'll be fine; keep being positive (in her hearing at least) and things will change. It's tough though.

[doodles]

Isn't it funny how a problem which we think is "ours" is really one which is experienced by so so many people and their children.

I completely agree with all the posters who have advocated the development of friendships outside of school. I am a great believer in having friends outside of school and think this is really healthy.

[turtleglos]

I have been reading this thread with interest. My ds1 has had a really hard time at school,he's never been invited to parties despite inviting others and was bullied through year 4 until I realised what was happening and contacted the school who stopped it straight away. His teacher at the time continually said he was telling tales (this inmho gave the others permission to carry on behaving badly).In my experience,there is an adult somewhere in the chain that causes problems for a child.
My ds1 had a fantastic teacher in year 5 who built his confidence and now in year 6 he is able to ignore most of what goes on around him and look to the future. He wants to go to a good school where he can use his brains and work hard without worrying about what those that dont are doing.
We also have lots of activities outside of school which are in a more natural enviroment with people of all ages who respect his abilities and personality and find him to be a good fun person to be around(in fact he seems quite popular ).Its amazing the damage one person can do, I am just glad he seems to be coming through it in 1 piece.