Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Moderators: Section Moderators, Forum Moderators
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Alice Wonder wrote:I think my views are old fashioned, but I stand by them, where are moral standards and decency these days. Mixed sleepovers to me are totally unacceptable for teenage children. I have an 11 year old boy and i would certainly not be allowing him to go to these a few years down the line. I would question the parental responsibility of those organising or allowing these types of totally unnecessary gathering.
There are many opportunities for young people to socialise in mixed supervised settings where there is regard for the safety and well being of the children why a sleepover with the potential risks this could have.
I think its totally naive and reckless to allow 'children' to get into a situation that will leave them in charge of making adult decisions with a child's brain. Then leave them and possibly you holding the baby or dealing with other fallout.
I hate this race to shorten childhood and for children to 'grow up' too quickly whats the rush?
You definately did the right thing.
Your views are old fashioned? far from it Alice Wonder, never have I been in total agreement with someones's view as I am with yours. Rightly said!
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
I agree with you, too, Alice.
In fact I think one of the things wrong with the way "this generation" is is the over-importance of the peer group. They can be reached 24/7 by their peers - at least in "our day" we shut the door and that was that, now they can be pinging each other day and night by phone, XBox, email, MSN, Facebook etc etc. No respite. And their often over-inflated sense of entitlement is then spread like marmite from child to child.
No, they cannot have what they want 100% of the time just because it is available.
I also think there's a pressure on them to think that they ought to say yes to every option (and that the decision should be theirs. It isn't always).
I've got a 14 year old boy who gets invited to nightclubs now and again (those things til about 10 at night). Sometimes he goes, sometimes he doesn't. Similarly on long, pointless trips in town, hanging around in amorphous groups. A friend of his's mother had the nerve to say to me, was I worried when he didn't want to go. I thought why?!. Here he is, an attractive and popular child who is able to say No. Why should he feel that pressure (because I think it is a pressure) to be part of a pack and inter-communicate all the time and judge each other. I don't find it a desperately "nurturing" experience - the texts back and forward before and after, the judgements, the pack behaviour where one girl is picked on and they all LOL like mad on facebook and then throw their hands back in a "chill" way, is pretty depressing. As a mother of boys, I actually find the attitude of many of the girls extraordinary and quite frightening. They are so ready to attack each other (verbally) and gang up and the boys (far too young) are hovering around trying to play the hard man and as if they know what they're talking about. Exhausting!! Give them a rusk and some Lego. Bliss.
In fact I think one of the things wrong with the way "this generation" is is the over-importance of the peer group. They can be reached 24/7 by their peers - at least in "our day" we shut the door and that was that, now they can be pinging each other day and night by phone, XBox, email, MSN, Facebook etc etc. No respite. And their often over-inflated sense of entitlement is then spread like marmite from child to child.
No, they cannot have what they want 100% of the time just because it is available.
I also think there's a pressure on them to think that they ought to say yes to every option (and that the decision should be theirs. It isn't always).
I've got a 14 year old boy who gets invited to nightclubs now and again (those things til about 10 at night). Sometimes he goes, sometimes he doesn't. Similarly on long, pointless trips in town, hanging around in amorphous groups. A friend of his's mother had the nerve to say to me, was I worried when he didn't want to go. I thought why?!. Here he is, an attractive and popular child who is able to say No. Why should he feel that pressure (because I think it is a pressure) to be part of a pack and inter-communicate all the time and judge each other. I don't find it a desperately "nurturing" experience - the texts back and forward before and after, the judgements, the pack behaviour where one girl is picked on and they all LOL like mad on facebook and then throw their hands back in a "chill" way, is pretty depressing. As a mother of boys, I actually find the attitude of many of the girls extraordinary and quite frightening. They are so ready to attack each other (verbally) and gang up and the boys (far too young) are hovering around trying to play the hard man and as if they know what they're talking about. Exhausting!! Give them a rusk and some Lego. Bliss.
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
My DS (year 11) has been invited to go to town for one of the aimless wanders around the shopping centre. After an hour he was texting me saying he was bored and could I pick himup!! Some times kids do need to find out for them selves about hopefully harmless stuff like meeting in town; on the other hand, as parents, we have a duty to protect and stop them from getting in to trouble. I know there is a fine line between the 2 but I always err on the side of caution. No point looking back to what we all did as teenagers; there are so many pressures and dangers now.
All sounding a bit serious now but I'm just grateful that, so far, my DS is doing ok and seems to have his head screwed on. I know this could change and am always watching out for trouble, probably clamping down a bit hard at times. He seems to appreciate the rules which was re-iterated in the article in the Mail.
All sounding a bit serious now but I'm just grateful that, so far, my DS is doing ok and seems to have his head screwed on. I know this could change and am always watching out for trouble, probably clamping down a bit hard at times. He seems to appreciate the rules which was re-iterated in the article in the Mail.
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Just to add to my post above, DD (year 
was recently invited to a mixed disco party for her year (at a girls' house) and the invite included a sleepover! ooh er I thought then discovered that the boys were all leaving at a reasonable time. This sounds a great idea for any age group, though I'm sure I'll change my opinion in a few years!!
Another Mum told me her daughter in Year 7 had received a party invite with the words: "This will be an alcohol-free party"!! Thought hadn't crossed her mind but after that of course it did!
was recently invited to a mixed disco party for her year (at a girls' house) and the invite included a sleepover! ooh er I thought then discovered that the boys were all leaving at a reasonable time. This sounds a great idea for any age group, though I'm sure I'll change my opinion in a few years!!Another Mum told me her daughter in Year 7 had received a party invite with the words: "This will be an alcohol-free party"!! Thought hadn't crossed her mind but after that of course it did!
-
tiredmumof2
- Posts: 66
- Joined: Sun Sep 05, 2010 10:14 am
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Hmmm - I think I agree with snowdrops on this one. Having said that, my eldest daughter is only 10, so I don't know whether I'll feel the same when she's 15.
My take on this is that there is likely to be alcohol present at the party, and there might be some who party wildly. However, I would also hope to have the sort of relationship where I could discuss candidly the pros and cons of going/not going and, given that in this case your DD had said that she would not drink etc, I think that I would let her go and say to her she must ring me, say at 11pm/midnight to check she is ok (otherwise I would go to collect her). And I would also tell her that she should ring me if she needs me for any reason.
At the age of 15, theoretically she could leave school/get married in less than a year. If she wants to you know what (apparently you can't type the s word), take drugs, get slaughtered, then she's unlikely to wait for a "sleepover"!
I do think that sometimes we forget what we were like when we were children/young adults anfd try to wrap our children in cotton wool. As I recall, I was roaming around north london when I was about 8, my mother having told me "go out to play". I walked home from school on my own at primary school, and noone thought anything of it. I had a boyfriend who took me to nightclubs, when I was about 16, (blitz, club for heroes etc) yet it was all very innocent, (though exhilarating). My mum trusted me to act properly - and I did, and got some life experience at the same time. I still managed to pass all my exams, so my studying didn't go awry.
Contentious I know....
My take on this is that there is likely to be alcohol present at the party, and there might be some who party wildly. However, I would also hope to have the sort of relationship where I could discuss candidly the pros and cons of going/not going and, given that in this case your DD had said that she would not drink etc, I think that I would let her go and say to her she must ring me, say at 11pm/midnight to check she is ok (otherwise I would go to collect her). And I would also tell her that she should ring me if she needs me for any reason.
At the age of 15, theoretically she could leave school/get married in less than a year. If she wants to you know what (apparently you can't type the s word), take drugs, get slaughtered, then she's unlikely to wait for a "sleepover"!
I do think that sometimes we forget what we were like when we were children/young adults anfd try to wrap our children in cotton wool. As I recall, I was roaming around north london when I was about 8, my mother having told me "go out to play". I walked home from school on my own at primary school, and noone thought anything of it. I had a boyfriend who took me to nightclubs, when I was about 16, (blitz, club for heroes etc) yet it was all very innocent, (though exhilarating). My mum trusted me to act properly - and I did, and got some life experience at the same time. I still managed to pass all my exams, so my studying didn't go awry.
Contentious I know....
-
pheasantchick
- Posts: 2439
- Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 10:28 pm
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Honest, not contentious. I also remember walking home late by myself two miles when I was a teenager (16-18), either with my sister or by myself.
Unfortunately today, though, the media portrays society as a mouch rougher place, and feed us negative images all the time, hence parents become more cautious. I don't know why but I feel theres a big difference between those in six form, and those below. ie. the younger lot should be protected more.
I feel I'm beginning to ramble so I'll end now, except to say that I support hte OP .
Unfortunately today, though, the media portrays society as a mouch rougher place, and feed us negative images all the time, hence parents become more cautious. I don't know why but I feel theres a big difference between those in six form, and those below. ie. the younger lot should be protected more.
I feel I'm beginning to ramble so I'll end now, except to say that I support hte OP .
Re: Mixed sleepover - did I do the right thing?
Ooohhhh good post. There comes a point where we make decisions, rightly or wrongly, based on our own experiences. I would have totally agreed with you when my DD1 was 10, but now she is 13...at least I would know that to have to ring me would mean that she was beyond finding any way out that wasn't totally humiliating (in her eyes) and that in itself would probably put her off going. I would hope to have that candid relationship as well. I have friends who allegedly do so. I would not want my DD to be doing what theirs are... 'candidly' or nottiredmumof2 wrote:Hmmm - I think I agree with snowdrops on this one. Having said that, my eldest daughter is only 10, so I don't know whether I'll feel the same when she's 15.
My take on this is that there is likely to be alcohol present at the party, and there might be some who party wildly. However, I would also hope to have the sort of relationship where I could discuss candidly the pros and cons of going/not going and, given that in this case your DD had said that she would not drink etc, I think that I would let her go and say to her she must ring me, say at 11pm/midnight to check she is ok (otherwise I would go to collect her). And I would also tell her that she should ring me if she needs me for any reason.
Actually that is exactly what I would have been waiting for/dreading whe I was that age, especiually if there was a cart lodge which I would have taken as a tacit acceptance and expectation of performing accordingly.tiredmumof2 wrote:At the age of 15, theoretically she could leave school/get married in less than a year. If she wants to you know what (apparently you can't type the s word), take drugs, get slaughtered, then she's unlikely to wait for a "sleepover"!
we do.tiredmumof2 wrote:I do think that sometimes we forget what we were like when we were children/young adults anfd try to wrap our children in cotton wool.
me too and so do my kids...tiredmumof2 wrote:As I recall, I was roaming around north london when I was about 8, my mother having told me "go out to play". I walked home from school on my own at primary school, and no-one thought anything of it.
Me too...but I lied to my mum and it was totally not innocent!tiredmumof2 wrote:I had a boyfriend who took me to nightclubs, when I was about 16, (blitz, club for heroes etc) yet it was all very innocent, (though exhilarating).My mum trusted me to act properly - and I did, and got some life experience at the same time. I still managed to pass all my exams, so my studying didn't go awry.
....and when we were 'doing it' (or not) it was not going to be posted over f....... the next day (and to be fair in advance with speculation etc etc)
mad?
