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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:13 am 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:02 pm
Posts: 662
Location: Herts
OK, I know this varies tremendously depending on age / common sense / where they're going / who they're with etc, but my DD (Yr 9 /14 yrs old) is just beginning to embark on a "wider" social life & I'd like to know what others think about an acceptable pick up time!

She has been asked to a house party this weekend for an older girl I don't know (TBH I don't think my DD knows her that well). She left me the address this morning & I noticed she has added 8pm - 1.30am. There is absolutely no way I would let her stay out that late - I think 11pm is late enough.

I'm preparing myself for a debate on this issue. I don't want to be a party pooper but 1.30am seems ridiculous. Am I completely out of touch with what's the norm these days?


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:28 am 
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It's difficult isn't it!

1.30 am IS late, but - it's at someone's house (so not the same as being in town) and, if it were a sleepover, 1.30 am would be early.

My dd went to a New Year's Eve party this year (her first :D ) it was at someone's house and she went with a friend who was also staying over at our house. The whole point of it being NYE was to see in the New Year. DD asked us to pick her up at 12.30 which we were, on this occasion, happy to do so (btw, she's year 8 ). In different circumstances it might be different again.

Only you can judge what you're both happy with. What is it you're scared of happening? Or perhaps it's because you're just not used to it? Letting go bit by bit is the easiest for the parents. For the child, as long as they are equipped with the knowledge of keeping themselves safe, they will fare well!

Can you haggle and agree to meet half way?

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 11:41 am 
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I agree, that 1.30 am is ridiculous too...she is older than your daughter and presumably you will have to stay up till then to collect her ?!!!

Are any of her friends ...who are her age ...going? Can you ask their parents when they are being picked up? Your dd will only say they are all staying until 1.30!! Maybe you could tell your dd it will be a long time if she doesn't like this girl or if she feels uncomfortable and suggest another time...I don't know what you feel is suitable.Maybe there is another girl you can pick up too and then it looks better for your daughter if 2 of you are picked up earlier ?

Your dd may be huffy, but you have to do what you think is safe for your child.......you're top dog after all !!!!!


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:08 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:27 am
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Location: Barnet, Herts
Midnight would be the latest I would allow. DS (Y9) has been to a birthday party recently and that was the pickup time.
He has been picked up at 01.00 before but that was last year for a barmitzvah party.It was in Central London so by the time the party bus returned to Radlett it was 01.00.
I f your DD doesn't know the girl very well she may want to come home earlier as Scarlett suggested.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 12:23 pm 
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My DD is the same age and I think 1.30 is too late. I think in reality your DD will be ready to leave before then even if she doesn't think that now. Could you suggest picking her and a friend up at a more suitable time and bringing friend back for a sleepover so they can have fun but you know where they are and what they are doing! I think that staying that late leaves way to much scope for getting persuaded into mischief esp if older kids there. Hope I am not too much of a party pooper but I worry about too much too soon these days.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 1:54 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:02 pm
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Location: Herts
Thank you all for your thoughts & wise words!

Snowdrops - you are right. I am a bit scared. Letting go into the unknown is hard. Although I am (fairly) confident that my DD is level headed, I know how powerful peer pressure can be. I think it's this that's unsettling me rather than anything else (stuff like not wanting to stay up so late myself / what a nightmare my DD would be all week from lack of sleep etc :D )


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:06 pm 
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Talk to her. Be honest, tell her you're scared and why. She'll appreciate your honesty. She'll also know that, with time, you will both become comfortable with her being out later and in return, she'll appreciate that being out late 'isn't all that!'

But, as I always say, there's nothing they can do after 7/8/9/10 pm that they can't do before 7/8/9/10 pm. It's all about trust. I'm not saying they should be allowed to 'run wild' at such a young age. I'm saying you need to be aware of their needs and your own. You also need to think back to when you were that age and what you were doing/got up to ( :oops: ). Teach your child how to be safe. To have the morals and to be able to say no to peers (boys and girls!). Then trust them.

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:21 pm 
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Snowdrops you sound like a very nice mum! :D Much nicer than me, I would still put my foot down and say no to 1.30 but I do agree with you. I think I am just more of a :evil: and my DDs will probably run wild!! Do let us know how it went Tense.


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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 2:40 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 21, 2007 4:20 pm
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mum23* wrote:
Snowdrops you sound like a very nice mum! :D




:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: try telling my dd that!!! She thinks I'm the mum from **** :shock: :shock: Eh, we all have to put up with these teenagers, don't we!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 26, 2011 3:00 pm 
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Joined: Wed May 09, 2007 2:09 pm
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Location: Solihull, West Midlands
If you are doing the fetching then it would be reasonable to say that you need some sleep too and will be happy to pick her up at midnight (after which you turn back into a pumpkin!). What you don't want is for her to be arranging an undefined later lift back with some friend of a friend who has just passed his driving test.... She will probably moan and moan (and perhaps try to negotiate 12.30 - up to you if you want to be seen to concede a little, or start at 11:30 and negotiate back to midnight) but if it is an older friend you are not sure about this seems sensible at age only 14, and she might even be relieved at having a "fussy mum" to blame for baling out early. Agree it might be easier if there is another younger friend who can leave at the same time. (perhaps share lifts to & from) There will be plenty of later nights to come in future years, believe me...

Only difficulty with the above is if (as often happens) the party activity involves watching a film which will have "nearly finished" when you arrive and prolong things indefinitely. That can always however be turned into an opportunity to chat to the hosting parents and get to know them better if the friendship is likely to progress


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