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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:17 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 9:57 am
Posts: 272
For those of you who have long distant relatives (in-laws in my case)..how long do their visits last, and how long could you hospitably tolerate before wishing you could insert an eject device in the most discreet way possible?? A week..3 weeks..or how about...3 months? :shock:


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:51 pm 
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Location: Berkshire
I would say maximum 3 days - visitors are like fish, after 3 days they begin to smell :D


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:52 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jul 16, 2010 9:22 am
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Am I getting a vibe your in laws want to visit for 3 months ? How hideous !!! Personally I can only bear mine for 1 day ( if wine is included in the middle ) but luckily I live too near for drawn out visits but far enough there is no "random popping in"


I think you need to consider how much of an impact it will have on your daily life.
Sleeping on the sofa or having the west wing to themselves
Constructive helping with the children, meals etc or making snidy comments whilst being overbearing.

What does your husband think ? It's always a tricky one, but unless you are the best of friends I would say 1 week or less is reasonable. Unless of course they live the other side of the world and you last saw them 10 years ago.Then it will have to be longer ! We need more information !!!!
.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:00 pm 
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Location: Maidstone
Why not just let them know how long you would like them to stay. There is no point having a miserable three months together as it will be more damaging to your relationship.

Having said that yes I have had relatives from abroad stay more than 3 months but I was happy with the arrangements but I have also put my foot down in a load of cases where I knew I couldnt last a day with that paticular relative.

If your inlaws are coming from abroad its very possible in some cultures to think they have to stay long.

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 3:26 pm 
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Location: Berkshire
Sorry, I was being flippant :oops:
3 months is a long time. We had my mum to stay for a few weeks once when I was just about due with my last child, as we needed someone to be with the others when I was to go into hospital. It was quite a difficult time for us all, as although I loved my mum dearly, she didn't half drive me mad in the kitchen and giving the children coke for breakfast :shock: , and my husband nearly started camping out at work. Normally when she came to stay it would be just for a few days and that was manageable. My mother in law will visit again only for a few days at a time, as she cares for her disabled son, so is only able to get away when he is in respite care. I think that is quite a healthy amount of time to stay, as with the best will in the world, it is quite difficult to have people staying with you for extended periods, when you have a daily routine as school and work schedules are not always conducive to entertaining.


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 8:16 pm 
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Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 9:57 am
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Thanks everyone for your replies, Scarlett, I would need a daily delivery from the wine shop for 3 months, and I just love convivial banter over a ruby red or two..but heck, they don't do that..in fact they have me lined up for AA after the last visit.
And LFH, you're spot on, routine rules in this house, and I am loathe to let it all go pear shaped. It's a difficult one, and particularly as we are late in life in-laws..second time around. My own Mum could do 'help without intrusion', DH1 mum did too..alas Mum of DH2 does intrusion without help. When I had DD2 last year, they announced they were coming for 3 months to 'help'...and arrived 2 weeks before the birth, along with sisters and pal on a touristic jolly. To cut a long story short, it was one of the most stressful times of my life...from being hounded by a camera with DD2 on tap, to being hounded to visit far flung distant relatives I have never even met, suffice to say I was relieved to get our space back. So now they want to return at Easter, and leave at the end of the summer, and DH is biding his time in laying down the law. I can't do it..on the one hand I feel guilty because it is their only GC but on the other hand I feel angry at the intrusion. Nothing cultural at all, money is no issue...they could buy their own house a few times over nearby..but they want to spend ALL their time with us. I know I am going to say something I really regret..but in the meantime, just wanted to make sure I am not being totally unreasonable about wanting our own cosy little home, all to ourselves :)


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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:25 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 01, 2008 5:27 pm
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Location: london
mm23292 wrote:
Nothing cultural at all, money is no issue...they could buy their own house a few times over nearby..but they want to spend ALL their time with us. I know I am going to say something I really regret..but in the meantime, just wanted to make sure I am not being totally unreasonable about wanting our own cosy little home, all to ourselves :)

If money no object rent then a cottage or similar...sell it to them that they can have their own space and won't have to adapt to your routine. The unsaid implication of course if they so 'oh no it's no worry' is that you feel that they have not adapted to your routine (which of course would involved them being out before sunrise and not back before bedtime 5 of 7 nights a week! :lol: ). Polish your halo and tell them how much more comfortable they would be and that they'd have the chance to do whatever they wanted this way (again leaving it unsaid that if they don't go for the cottage then they are under your command for the whole duration and that includes being told where to go!), most of all find something suitable and just book it, it would seem very very churlish of anyone to object!

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 01, 2011 9:28 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 23, 2010 2:15 pm
Posts: 196
Location: Birmingham
You are not in any way being unreasonable, you are wise to be thinking about the ramifications beforehand.

It is good that DH2 is bracing himself for that 'difficult' conversation with your inlaws.

IF you feel that a compromise is appropriate, you could consider suggesting a MUCH shorter time, with them staying in a nearby local hotel (maybe even a gorgeous luxury one if money isn't an issue). That way you each have your own space, they can relax without noisy children around, and then maybe you could arrange some outings or specific activities together? The advantage being that it would be on neutral ground, the activity would be a positive distraction and the onus won't be on you to be the "hostess with the mostess" and you can still retreat to the sanctury of 'your space' at the end of the day (and then relax in a chair with a nice glass of vino :wink: ).


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 5:41 am 
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Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2009 9:56 pm
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Well I think you must have kept them very well entertained last time for them to want to come back again for such a long period this time. Do they live in another country? The trouble with renting them a cottage nearby is that they still might want to spend all day every day with you, nearly as maddening as having them to stay, and they don't have bedrooms to retire to during the day, so you are in some ways even more stuck with them.

I'd be honest, tell them you'd love them to stay for a few days and you can dedicate all your time to that, but any longer is exhausting (tell them you are old, tired and anaemic or something, you really enjoyed it last time but this year you've aged badly). Then they'll have a better time as they'll have to plan a proper holiday the rest of the time rather than relying on an unwilling you for entertainment. Ask to go and stay with them on whatever holiday they plan whilst in this country. Then they won't feel you're avoiding them, and it could be a fun break for you too.

Are your kids old enough, and are they responsible enough, to go out for a few days together without you? This might give you a welcome break, and they get to see GC.

If money really is no object, think about the terms on which you would be happy to seem them e.g. luxury holiday together, and ask for it!! But you might not want that either. I nearly divorced over not wanting to go on an all expenses paid luxury holiday with the in-laws. We have a busy and complicated family life with part-time step children etc etc, DH away from home a lot, and for me the family holiday as a small unit is sacrosanct. Annual leave is limited. Funny thing was DH didn't want to go either, but saying no didn't come easily to him. So we argued and argued and argued. Don't do that.


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:02 am 
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Joined: Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:28 pm
Posts: 2439
If they are from abroad. then why don't you suggest 1- 2 weeks with you, and then they can visit all the far flung relatives and doing some sight-seeing at the same time, and then visit you again in a month.

Perhaps also book a few Center Parc-type holidays where you can each have you own cottage/bungalow/chalet. They can have the children, and you can head for the spa!

Or conveniantly book a holiday/have friends visiting/ house extended etc so its physically impossible for them to stay.

If all this fails, check into 11+ rehab!


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