How long is tooooo long??
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Re: How long is tooooo long??
Loved reading all these wonderful suggestions, first time the whole sorry subject has raised a smile! One big spanner I forgot to add to the ‘money no object’ get out clause, is that they don’t know how to part with it. They don’t understand consumerism and make everything from scratch, including their own clothes, beds and furniture… I kid you not.
A take out pizza is still drawing ‘why don’t you make your own’ conversations 3 years on. Aaarrgghh, I’m feeling like a threatened hedgehog just thinking about it.
And while it may seem I was a hot host last time round Mystery, I assure you I was not..I was a grumpy, tired (old) Mum who was coming close to being a newly single Mum with the frustrations of a pushy MIL who has always dominated her now aging brood. The distance is a problem of course, too far for short visits, and despite the fact that they have a lot of family still here, they will drive an 8 hour round trip rather than stay the night with them. As for holidays, well MIL has already suggested joining us on our precious 2 week vacation..every year since we first met, and like you say I won’t sacrifice that rare time together for anything. I guess I should have known from the outset, in our first year together, they were over here for 6 months in total, and wanted to spend every weekend with us..yes I liked him a lot
And when we finally planned our first weekend escape somewhere with DD1 away in France..she gleefully clapped her hands and said, ‘how wonderful, I just love that part of the country. I suggest we get an early start so we can be there for supper by 6!!!” One of very few moments I have ever been speechless 
Thanks so much for all your comments, this has been strangely cathartic. Two weeks maximum it is..and I will leave the AA number by the telephone should they wish to make that call...
A take out pizza is still drawing ‘why don’t you make your own’ conversations 3 years on. Aaarrgghh, I’m feeling like a threatened hedgehog just thinking about it.
And while it may seem I was a hot host last time round Mystery, I assure you I was not..I was a grumpy, tired (old) Mum who was coming close to being a newly single Mum with the frustrations of a pushy MIL who has always dominated her now aging brood. The distance is a problem of course, too far for short visits, and despite the fact that they have a lot of family still here, they will drive an 8 hour round trip rather than stay the night with them. As for holidays, well MIL has already suggested joining us on our precious 2 week vacation..every year since we first met, and like you say I won’t sacrifice that rare time together for anything. I guess I should have known from the outset, in our first year together, they were over here for 6 months in total, and wanted to spend every weekend with us..yes I liked him a lot
And when we finally planned our first weekend escape somewhere with DD1 away in France..she gleefully clapped her hands and said, ‘how wonderful, I just love that part of the country. I suggest we get an early start so we can be there for supper by 6!!!” One of very few moments I have ever been speechless Thanks so much for all your comments, this has been strangely cathartic. Two weeks maximum it is..and I will leave the AA number by the telephone should they wish to make that call...
Re: How long is tooooo long??
As I get older, I find it easier to tell other people what I want, rather than just having to put up with other people's plans. Sounds like you feel strongly you don't want what they've suggested, so it's up to your DH (not you!) to tell his folks and sort out something which suits you all.
When DS1 was 6 months old (and still not sleeping through the night) my XH invited his mother, father, sister, brother-in-law and their 6 month old baby (also not sleeping through the night) to stay for 3 months! I barely knew them, they spoke little English, 2 were diabetic on restricted diets, one was vegetarian. Two days after they arrived, XH decided to go off on a business trip for 4 weeks, leaving me with strict instructions to take his family sight-seeing round the UK - Oxford, Edinburgh, London etc. After a few weeks of feeling like a housemaid in my own house, I had had enough and deposited them at Heathrow having bought them tickets to Paris. ("Oh no, I've seen Paris loads of times, you go off and enjoy yourselves....")
Did you notice I said it was my ex-husband?....
When DS1 was 6 months old (and still not sleeping through the night) my XH invited his mother, father, sister, brother-in-law and their 6 month old baby (also not sleeping through the night) to stay for 3 months! I barely knew them, they spoke little English, 2 were diabetic on restricted diets, one was vegetarian. Two days after they arrived, XH decided to go off on a business trip for 4 weeks, leaving me with strict instructions to take his family sight-seeing round the UK - Oxford, Edinburgh, London etc. After a few weeks of feeling like a housemaid in my own house, I had had enough and deposited them at Heathrow having bought them tickets to Paris. ("Oh no, I've seen Paris loads of times, you go off and enjoy yourselves....")
Did you notice I said it was my ex-husband?....
Re: How long is tooooo long??
Good grief Cairo, makes my experience seem tame. I used to think a language barrier would be better than no barrier at all..that's how desperate I have felt at times. There can be something very annoying about the voice of an over eager auditionee for the lead role in The Queen... 
Re: How long is tooooo long??
mm23292,
Without knowing the visiting family's cultural background I'm loathed to say 'How rude...'
Visiting for 3 months in some cultures is probably quite normal and you may be deemed rude for thinking it's too long.
That said I am firmly on the side of 2 weeks maximum! It's your home and you have a rights as mistress of your home! What may be deemed acceptable for the in-laws is not for you. Say it and if they are not happy with it then remember that it [their upset] is their problem - not yours. Don't get drawn into an emotional battle that leaves you more exhausted than if you were to have them stay for the whole three months. Detach yourself from their undoubted (emotional) dislike of a two week stay.
Be firm with them. You do not owe them an explanation. I would be totally honest and say that it is too much for you to have them longer than two weeks. Dear in-laws don't have to like it and probably won't but so what?
A reminder of what we expect from our children? 'They don't have to like us but they had better respect us!'
Good Luck.
If the worse came then let us all know and we'd turn up for one day each at your house one after another for the 3 month duration to keep you well stocked on the vino, to help you and irritate the in-laws so they don't ever do it again.
Without knowing the visiting family's cultural background I'm loathed to say 'How rude...'
Visiting for 3 months in some cultures is probably quite normal and you may be deemed rude for thinking it's too long.
That said I am firmly on the side of 2 weeks maximum! It's your home and you have a rights as mistress of your home! What may be deemed acceptable for the in-laws is not for you. Say it and if they are not happy with it then remember that it [their upset] is their problem - not yours. Don't get drawn into an emotional battle that leaves you more exhausted than if you were to have them stay for the whole three months. Detach yourself from their undoubted (emotional) dislike of a two week stay.
Be firm with them. You do not owe them an explanation. I would be totally honest and say that it is too much for you to have them longer than two weeks. Dear in-laws don't have to like it and probably won't but so what?
A reminder of what we expect from our children? 'They don't have to like us but they had better respect us!'
Good Luck.
If the worse came then let us all know and we'd turn up for one day each at your house one after another for the 3 month duration to keep you well stocked on the vino, to help you and irritate the in-laws so they don't ever do it again.
Re: How long is tooooo long??
Exactly my sentimemts too Belinda..and while its not cultural in anyway, it seems to be a family thing, but wholly driven by MIL. I think perhaps its a letting go of the apron string thing..both SIL's are 40ish, live together and still spend most of their free time as a family..including holidays. It then makes me angry when she bemoans the lack of GC's, and yet she can't see what she has done..still cleans their house, books doctor appointments and helps them choose their clothes. DH came here 20 years ago straight out of uni..and she kicked up an almigty fuss to try and get him to go back..in fact still does now, she was sending him job ads until last year, when I told him it had to stop. Gosh, writing it down makes it all seem even scarier 
Re: How long is tooooo long??
Blimey, I think 2 weeks is way too long, but I can see it would be quite a reduction from what your in-laws wanted!
After my DD was born I was quite ill, but my MiL wanted to come & stay immediately even though DH told her it would be best to wait a while. She said if she couldn't come straightaway she would never come again. I relented
but similar events over the years have hardened my heart against her & I no longer put up with her demands. I am lucky in that my DH feels the same.
mm23292, I really feel for you. I'm with the others - stand firm!
After my DD was born I was quite ill, but my MiL wanted to come & stay immediately even though DH told her it would be best to wait a while. She said if she couldn't come straightaway she would never come again. I relented
but similar events over the years have hardened my heart against her & I no longer put up with her demands. I am lucky in that my DH feels the same. mm23292, I really feel for you. I'm with the others - stand firm!
Re: How long is tooooo long??
Oh no, if they live around 6 hours away why would they want to really come and stay that long. Even 2 weeks is rather long, I suspected when you said far flung that perhaps they will be flying in 
Impossible is Nothing.
Re: How long is tooooo long??
I really feel for you....she sounds like my mil and I found the most effective( and less drawn out) way is just to be honest...it might cause a few ructions but then at least you all know where you stand.If dh is dragging his heels, why don't you send a nice card, saying you are looking foward to seeing them, but think it would be best if you stayed for - days, as with the children older, more hectic routine etc....we can then really enjoy our time together without it being stressful.Its always easier to write things down....and I suspect if she is anything like my mil she knows that she is suggesting far too long a period, but is trying it on and probably doesn't care if it is stressy for you ......as long as she gets to see her baby !! ( your dh !)
Re: How long is tooooo long??
Too right about the baby bit.. a shirt with sewn on teddy springs to mind from one years Christmas gathering..that took some getting over. And courtesy of modern day technology and the wondrous world of skype, our weekends are often dominated by her insistance at seeing her 'babies'..and despite the fact that his trouser size is ever increasing..constantly frets whether he's eating enough, because good home cooking is so essential. Did I really say two weeks? Moving towards two days now...at least its moving in the right direction
Re: How long is tooooo long??
I think our MIL must be long lost sisters !!!! I've heard " a man needs a proper meal " lots of times too!! I find questioning snidy comments at the time leads to much blustering and red faced apologies..rather then stewing for DAYS like I used to !My mil used to really annoy me more with my dc when they were babies...saying things like silly mummy to them ( she is a health visitor )when I used the wrong sort of bonjela or saying Mummy doesn't care when I told her they didn't need changing every 15 minutes.....the list is endless!!Now its great because the children are older and don't listen to her and ny dh visits her when I am working nights at the weekend ! Bliss all round !
Maybe you can book yourself into a posh hotel and leave your dh to it !!
or saying Mummy doesn't care when I told her they didn't need changing every 15 minutes.....the list is endless!!Now its great because the children are older and don't listen to her and ny dh visits her when I am working nights at the weekend ! Bliss all round !Maybe you can book yourself into a posh hotel and leave your dh to it !!