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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 6:02 pm 
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I'm just wondering what people do if their dc have friends that you don't like either due to behaviour or because you aren't keen on the family etc.

I only ask as my ds2 has a friend in his class who does live within walking distance...so would be perfect for weekends/hols etc but he does have a few behaviour issues and his mother is the sort who tells them to play on a main road at the age of 4 to keep from under her feet :shock: I don't mind having him at mine where I can more or less keep him reined in but I don't really want to !

Ds hasn't many friends as he is the only boy in his class (this boy is in a lower class ) so I feel a bit mean.Also when they go to secondary,I should imagine it's harder to keep track etc......

Maybe I should relax a little ?


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 6:08 pm 
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totalling know where you are coming from...it is a really hard one as we all know that our kids aren't angels but sometimes our kids behaviour will change depending on who they are mixing with. If you liked the family I possibly wouldn't intervene but always informing your lo about the rights and wrongs on things.....but if you were worried about the family I would definately stear them in the opposite direction, inviting other school friends home etc to try and build other relationships....


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 6:12 pm 
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Hmmm, it's difficult, I do understand where you're coming from, but ..........

You're condemning the boy on the mother's behaviour. Unless and until the boy himself does something which really goes against your morals/principles, I'd be inclined to live and let live - imagine if that was your boy, and someone stopped their child from being friends 'cause they didn't think that much of you.

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 7:21 pm 
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It's more because of the boy, Snowdrops.......he wouldn't think twice jumping on my sofa until he broke it, chucking food everywhere whilst swearing like a trooper...he's 9 by the way...I actually like the mother but can't trust her , I suppose to watch out for my son.... :(

My son really likes him although does get quite agitated by his behaviour and I don't like seeing him upsept, although he hasn't worked out yet that if he wasn't friends with him, he wouldn't get agitated !
Also, the mother /child keeps ringing to meet up and it's hard to know what to say as I don't like upsepting people....so you see, Snowdrops I'm quite nice and most people think a lot of me !!! :)


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:07 pm 
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If you can bear it and have the patience, I'd go with the flow on this one. With a bit of luck you'll find that you can impose rules at your house (in a fun way) that are completely different from the way the boy would behave elsewhere ...... probably by use of bribery of the food variety that they both will receive if there is for example, no bouncing on the sofa, no swearing etc etc. Maybe you can make it sound as though the rules are not specially for the benefit of the other child but general houserules that apply to all occupants and visitors.

I have experienced this from the opposite end from you ( and my child is not misbehaved, an incident was completely misinterpreted by another parent I think). And in a small school, low number of children, small number of parents it's painful in lots of different ways for both the child and the parent. And over time the children get the friendships they want anyway. It's prob best to take the approach that you like whoever your son likes as there must be something good about the person for your son to like them, and then just see what happens. If really they don't get on, the friendship will fade over time, but if you try to manipulate the situation it could blossom much like a forbidden romance.

Sorry if I'm sounding preachy, or like the wise old woman of the hills. :oops:

You may have clearcut reasons to be unhappy with this particular friend, but there will be greyer cases of what is desirable / undesirable, and once you start doing this kind of freezing out of some children and others it becomes a difficult path for you too as you will be forever analysing what is OK and what is not (unless of course we are talking about law breaking above the age of legal responsbility).

You could have a massive positive influence on the other child and family (and a new sofa into the bargain). :wink:


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:09 pm 
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Oh another idea, invite this friend around at the weekend when your ex-military hubbie is around. He should be able to organise some challenges that will keep them both out of mischief!!


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 10:38 pm 
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It's a tough one, I think. I'd go with the flow at the moment, and see how it goes. I'd say...'we don't use language like that here', and 'we don't jump on the sofa, have a biscuit, instead'....and try to minimalise the problem. We've often had friends to play who have had, shall we say, issues, and felt best to try to ignore as much as possible. I think you find as your children get older, they may distance themselves from those who cause trouble, mine have, and there are certain things you just get through because they are small, and at a small school. As I said, this is tough, though.


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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2011 11:01 pm 
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Maybe you're particularly worried about the swearing ....... again it's a tough one. My daughter went through a phase at 6 :oops: of being attracted to a particular word (not one used at home!!). We dealt with it quite unconventionally I think, and it passed quite quickly. She then did once say it in the wrong place at the wrong time despite fully understanding that it was wrong place, wrong time, and just that once we came down on it v. heavily and it now seems to have gone entirely (well not heard within my hearing anyhow!!).

I think that you have to remember they are just children and these are just words after all that they don't understand the fully meaning of. Unless you are someone who never, ever swears yourself, the important thing for your child to learn is where and when not to use them and why (without describing the fascinating meaning of the word!!)

If it becomes a problem you could maybe make a bit of a joke of it with a swear box and some forfeits each time someone catches him out. He might not be able to help himself and this might break the habit?


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:07 am 
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Thanks everyone...I've a feeling my ds may outgrow this boy, so maybe I should just let it take it's natural course.It's interesting to know what it's like from the other side Mystery ! This child does behave whilst at my house...although I then have to put up with him shouting at me that I'm horrible ! :shock: Oh, and dh did tell him off once quite severely and he responded by letting himself out the front door and dodging the cars on the road outside ! So all in all I find it all a bit wearing ! I have known this family for years and have had this boy sleeping over quite a few times to give them a break, but age 9 is a bit different to age 4 and so that's why I was wondering if I have done my time so to speak ! My son isn't that keen on him, but is such a kind boy he thinks he can help him .........

I'm sure your dd is fine, Mystery and I'm sure your dh wouldn't ask me if I thought it would be fun to bounce on the trampoline without any garments ! :shock: :lol: :oops:


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PostPosted: Mon Mar 14, 2011 10:41 am 
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Ah, now you've made the picture a bit clearer, I can understand your concerns!

As they are only 9, I'm sure you will find that, even if they both move on to the same secondary school they may very well naturally drift away from each other anyway, that's if they haven't already done so by that time.

Good on your son for caring so much for others, it will serve him well in years to come.

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