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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 11:52 am 
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My husband and I split up well over a year ago and we have managed to get on pretty well through it all. He now has a girlfriend (seeing each other since Christmas) and they have come up with a plan for us all - the 2 DCren, myself, and them to go out for the day over the Royal Wedding Bank Holiday.
The kids are quite keen to go (DD has never met this lady and DS only for a couple of minutes) and the outing is to an event where we will meet up with a lot of old friends dating back from our 'couple days.'
To me it just feels weird - but ex is finds it difficult to spend time with the children on his own (he has suffered mental health and depression problems) and this would be the first time he has been out with them for the day in about 3 years.

What do the forum folk think? Is this 21st century co-parenting at its best - or a recipe for complete disaster?


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 12:15 pm 
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If you get on with your ex and don't mind spending a day out with him and if the children are looking forward to it then there didn't seem to be a problem.I feel sorry for the new girlfriend ! It may be a bit awkward for her especially if the day is to be spent with your old friends.Have you met her yet ? If she is to be a permanent fixture, then it gives you a good opportunity to check her out and see what she is like with your children !

Is there anyone special that you can take to even things up...if that is what you are worried about ? Or have you not seen the old friends for a while and you are worried that it will be awkward ? More info needed ! Tell us why you think it is weird ! :)


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 12:19 pm 
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I think you should think about how you will feel on the day. Will it also be comfortable for the new lady too (I will not be surprised if she's feeling the way you feel right now)

Was it ex DH that came up with the idea?

Surely he will be able to manage with her by his side. she could potentially be their step mum and should not need you to chaperone them when they decide to go out as a family.

I think you should speak to ex dh about how you feel and try to get an idea of how this lady feels too.

However if you all get on very well then you can go along especially as you will have other friends there you can talk too.

Good luck!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:12 pm 
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Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:51 am
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Different sort of day..... but the important thing is that the DCs feel comfortable during the day - they can so easily pick up the stress vibes...

What are you planning to do? I reckon tricky days need heavy distraction ... theme park, theatre trip, roller skating, hike with picnic , stately home ..... preferably with adults getting soaked, joining in, having a laugh etc etc ..... overall just something other than hours of trying to have conversation!


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:31 pm 
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scarlett wrote:
I feel sorry for the new girlfriend ! It may be a bit awkward for her especially if the day is to be spent with your old friends.Have you met her yet ? If she is to be a permanent fixture, then it gives you a good opportunity to check her out and see what she is like with your children !

Is there anyone special that you can take to even things up...if that is what you are worried about ? Or have you not seen the old friends for a while and you are worried that it will be awkward ? More info needed ! Tell us why you think it is weird ! :)

I feel quite sorry for the new girlfriend too. I haven't met her yet (that's happening next week) and I get the impression she thinks it's a bit odd that ex and kids and I still spend time together. She has kids of her own - teenagers - who won't be there.
I suppose what's weird is that I haven't seen any of these old friends since the split - we sort of divided friends and hobbies up last year so we both had time to re-establish ourselves as single people. Also - this lady hasn't actually left her husband yet. Ex tells me that her husband understands the situation but I've only got his word for it - and I don't feel comfortable getting myself and the kids involved in a cheating situation.
hermanmunster wrote:
Different sort of day..... but the important thing is that the DCs feel comfortable during the day - they can so easily pick up the stress vibes...

What are you planning to do? I reckon tricky days need heavy distraction ... theme park, theatre trip, roller skating, hike with picnic , stately home ..... preferably with adults getting soaked, joining in, having a laugh etc etc ..... overall just something other than hours of trying to have conversation!

Medieval Re-enacting. :shock: With castle, battle and all the trimmings.

And lots of friends of my Dad's will be there too (possibly - if he's well enough - even my Dad!)
I don't want the kids to miss out on something they love - which they haven't had a chance to do since the split - but I think a lot of people will feel very awkward and I don't want the children to, as you say, pick up a vibe. It's not for me or them to judge what their father does but .... maybe all will becoming clearer when I meet this lady next week.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 1:56 pm 
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Location: Berkshire
It's a difficult situation for you all I guess. I think it is good the children are happy, that's the main thing. I'm not sure how I would react, although it sounds as if you are all very civilised. Other people should really take the lead from you, if you can do it, then they shouldn't feel awkward.
As you say, maybe you shouldn't make any firm decisions until you have met her, you never know, you might like her :)


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:27 pm 
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Joined: Fri Jan 15, 2010 9:39 pm
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Location: Birmingham
Quote:
Also - this lady hasn't actually left her husband yet. Ex tells me that her husband understands the situation but I've only got his word for it - and I don't feel comfortable getting myself and the kids involved in a cheating situation.

:shock: :?
I would not personally feel comfortable at all with this.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 5:15 pm 
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Apart from the cheating thing I think it is fantastic that you have been able to maintain the sort of relationship where you can even think of it - it speaks very well of your parenting and of your ability not to bring the kids into your squabbles. Many say they will do that but few achieve it. Whatever you end up doing on the day I think you should pat yourself on the back! Have you asked the kids what they think or would that make too much of an issue of it?


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 6:47 pm 
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scary mum wrote:
Apart from the cheating thing I think it is fantastic that you have been able to maintain the sort of relationship where you can even think of it - it speaks very well of your parenting and of your ability not to bring the kids into your squabbles. Many say they will do that but few achieve it. Whatever you end up doing on the day I think you should pat yourself on the back!


Here Here, i totally agree. I split from my dc's dad quite a few years ago and would have loved for it to be like this or even just slightly amicable but that never happened and now we are just too many years down the line. So well done to both you and your ex.


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PostPosted: Fri Apr 01, 2011 8:39 pm 
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tiredmum wrote:
scary mum wrote:
Apart from the cheating thing I think it is fantastic that you have been able to maintain the sort of relationship where you can even think of it - it speaks very well of your parenting and of your ability not to bring the kids into your squabbles. Many say they will do that but few achieve it. Whatever you end up doing on the day I think you should pat yourself on the back!


Here Here, i totally agree. I split from my dc's dad quite a few years ago and would have loved for it to be like this or even just slightly amicable but that never happened and now we are just too many years down the line. So well done to both you and your ex.

Aw! :oops: Thank you scary and tired mums. Sometimes it still feels like very early days in the seperation (no divorce yet) and we've had our bad moments but we both very much want to be friends at the end of it. I certainly couldn't do it on my own - exDH isn't the world's greatest hands-on Dad, and he was a pretty lousy husband by the end but I can tell he's working on being a good ex (so long as we're not talking moneyt :D ) -really feel for you tired-mum - I just got lucky - I know a lot of mums who tried every bit as hard as I have to keep things amicable and it just didn't work out that way.
In some ways it might be easier (in the short term) for our children if they thought we hated each other because until new girlfriend came on the scene both DCs held onto the idea that Daddy had just gone away 'to get better' and one day we would all be together again.
Real breakthrough yesterday - DD said to me "I didn't think I liked Daddy having a girlfriend but it's making him happier and more fun to be with."
Thought that was a lovely mature attitude from a 10 year old.

Anyway - many thanks for replies - hope to talk to exDH without the children around on Sunday night - ask some questions, make some plans - still very undecided ... :?


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