Parenting issues

[neveragain*]

Pixie queen I find "hold on to your kids'" useful reading re teens. My 17 year old dd is a delight-they don't have to be horrid! I think keeping close, trying to find things to do together and being a good listener ( as much as you can with almost primeval teen grunting at 13) as well as having fun together helps! There are ups and downs but my friends with younger children often say seeing dd and her friends makes them feel more relaxed at the teen prospect! Key phrase in my mind with teens is what it was when they were toddlers - its not a dissimilar phase neurobiologically - " pick your arguments wisely" so no I don't sweat about pink hair if school don't mind, but I do expect politeness and jobs in house to be shared. Don't mind a nose piercing, and do expect them to do their best academically. Don't mind boy/girlfriends but expect kindness to younger siblings.
Ps - this is on a good day!

[Fran17]

1, 2, 3 Magic was magic in my view. Marvellous advice. Getting our first born to eat solids was very stressful until our wonderful health visitor gave me some very sensible advice.

You mentioned that you suffered with post natal depression. I was very lucky not to have experienced it but I have friends who went through a very rough time following the birth of their babies. As I am sure you are aware, many mums conceal their depression for fear of being judged. One of my friends told me she was terrified her baby would be taken away from her if she spoke to anyone about her depression. In my view, pregnant women and their partners/families should be given much more information about post natal depression, in order to increase the chances of support being given at the earliest possible opportunity. This is an issue which isn't discussed enough.

[neveragain*]

I worked for a team specifically focusing on pnd and baby attachment issues. Having had pnd myself made it so much easier to relate to the women, it is as you say under resourced and still taboo. It can have such an impact on all aspects of life and relationships if not diagnosed and supported. One of the issues as a private therapist is mothers realising something badly wrong and then feeling able to access services. I think knowing your therapist has suffered in the past ( but long enough ago not to be caught up with it still) is a plus. Parenting issues generally can make us feel so awful can't they?

[Looking for help]

All of the above,plus basic discipline. The book Toddler Training was the book I used alot when mine were younger.

Are you sure it wasn't called 'Toddler Taming'

This was my bible as a young mother looking after three under threes. I never had any PND, fortunately, but it was a hard road, they are now 21, 20 and 18, plus have a brother of 14, so we managed

I look back now with huge fondness to those times, it seemed so hard, but it was nothing compared to having young adults

We are never happy, are we ?

[doubletrouble2]

Hi we hear a lot about postnatal depression, but little much on antenatal depression (depression in pregnancy) perhaps some support in this area would be valued from parents?!
Also being a mother of twins, there was not much advice regards raising twins for new parents! It was such a shock for me , with the sleepless nights (sometimes as little as 1-2 hours a night at first) both were prem and no one told me they would need extra feeding to catch up! I was breast feeding on demand and the smaller twin was feeding every 2 hours! It was exhausting the first year or so! I was never told that I could breast feed and bottle feed together successfully either, so carried on breast feeding upto 18months!! Or how to breastfeed the twins together! I had to find out myself through trial and error and my own research! I would so much have appreciated having someone with experience to help at the time! Although saying that and knowing how difficult it was, I'd have twins again tomorrow given the chance! It's a wonderful experience!!
Dt2

[First-timer]

I'm feeling very out of step here. I never bought any parenting books. It never even crossed my mind. I was never one for routine. I breastfed both of mine on demand and found this meant I could get plenty of sleep as it had a soporific effect on them (and me). I went against HV advice and slept with my babies. Once they were old enough to sleep through the night, they were moved into their cots. We never had any problem with them wanting to come into our bed when they were toddlers. They were toilet trained when they seemed ready and not to any timetable. As a result, they were probably later than most of their peers but at least we avoided stripping beds in the middle of the night. I think I've been quite a lazy mum!

Sometimes it's easy to get hung up on doing everything right, when really it's better to do what's right for you and your particular family.

The most stressful part of parenting (so far) has been the eleven plus shenanigans.

[mm23292]

Yes the PND topic is a shrouded affliction. Have never been a sufferer but it has always intrigued me. Is it a manifestation of some deeper rooted issue or is it purely down to hormonal roulette? Sis in law suffered from it badly..after all three children. But depression runs in the family, her father and her uncle both died suicidally. Very sad. Wife of my husband's pal also suffered twice, and used to draw many derisory comments about her lack of 'coping'..untill last year, when their second was only one yr old, she took her own life. Extreme cases for sure, but it does make you wonder. My first child was born throughout horrendous personal circumstances, losing both my parents two months apart, marriage breakdown, other family tragedy etc..yet for most of us, there is some inner coping mechanism that seems to keep your head above the water, despite the hormonal upheavals of pregnancy. But for others, that is clearly not so. There have been great strides towards encouraging better awareness, but it is still very much a dangerous enigma, that is little understood.

[menagerie]

OP, I would pay good money to any qualified person who could help me find the balance between encouraging and nagging. I honestly can't see the difference. There are times I try to encourage my children to push themselves, to surprise themselves at what they are capable of, then worry that I'm being pushy not encouraging. What is the difference?

[DC17C]

OP, I would pay good money to any qualified person who could help me find the balance between encouraging and nagging. I honestly can't see the difference. There are times I try to encourage my children to push themselves, to surprise themselves at what they are capable of, then worry that I'm being pushy not encouraging. What is the difference?

I find any encouraging I try to do seems to be interpreted as nagging but any other person- teacher, tutor, guide/ scout leader, dance teacher, sailing instructor, friends parents -advice or encouragement is generally well accepted. I am allowed to supply food, wash anything, pack anything, give occasional cuddles, read books, act as a taxi service, pay bills and dish out pocket money. I guess it is all about growing up and goes to show it takes more than parents to bring up the next generation.

[neveragain*]

Nagging vs encouraging heh? I think for me I expect to only ask once for DC to do what I ask of them in terms of general day to day stuff eg tidying rooms or music practice, laying tables etc ( things that could become nags) but expect to "encourage" them to do their best in terms of academic or music work up to a certain age or point when I hope that they will a) have become self motivated and b) have teachers etc motivating and or chastising them for effort or lack of. I have seen in my clinical work a lot of teens who have been so constantly hovered over that they simply have lost interest and ability to organise themselves.....parents filling in UCAS forms etc. it is a very hard shout, and I'm sure I don't get it right all the time with my own DC but the youngest at 11 is now self motivated and my eldest at 17 does everything without adult help unless she needs it in which case she asks. That is normally when she needs expert advice from an adult who knows more about something than she does. She has always been easier to direct whereas next one down, a boy, has taken far longer to organise and motivate himself!