Surrogacy
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Re: Surrogacy
hermanmunster,
I suppose dh could be a sperm donor, but maybe that is even more unethical?
Technology may have advanced so much ds1 will be able to father children (unlikely but you never know). He is sad about it and so am I
but mature enough to recognise that at 15, it doesn't really affect him right now ... I've checked the history on his iPad and he is interested in pregnant women, like Kate M, nothing unhealthy, just interested. I have asked why and he's got all embarrassed and I have just left it. I'm mean enough to check the history now and then, he doesn't seem to have caught on that I check.
I take your point about relations being unhappy with how a child is brought up, or wanting them back, or a whole host of potential issues, but I think it may depend on the character and situation of ds2. He is only 6 so it's hard to tell!
I think for men it is different. I worry that a partner may want children and it could affect ds1's relationship with her. He needs to find a single mother! Or perhaps, as he is only 15, I am speaking prematurely. It was hard enough deciding whether to tell him. Thanks for your advice.
I suppose dh could be a sperm donor, but maybe that is even more unethical?
Technology may have advanced so much ds1 will be able to father children (unlikely but you never know). He is sad about it and so am I
but mature enough to recognise that at 15, it doesn't really affect him right now ... I've checked the history on his iPad and he is interested in pregnant women, like Kate M, nothing unhealthy, just interested. I have asked why and he's got all embarrassed and I have just left it. I'm mean enough to check the history now and then, he doesn't seem to have caught on that I check.I take your point about relations being unhappy with how a child is brought up, or wanting them back, or a whole host of potential issues, but I think it may depend on the character and situation of ds2. He is only 6 so it's hard to tell!
I think for men it is different. I worry that a partner may want children and it could affect ds1's relationship with her. He needs to find a single mother! Or perhaps, as he is only 15, I am speaking prematurely. It was hard enough deciding whether to tell him. Thanks for your advice.
Re: Surrogacy
That's a hard one for a teenager, but I'm sure you are right to have told him.
Speaking for myself here Ginx, the "being a good father" would matter far more to me in a partner than them having provided the genetic material. So I would have been more than happy to marry the "perfect partner" and either adopt or have sperm donation if necessary. Instinct tells me that probably quite a high proportion of women would feel like this as women highly value their mate's ability to nurture children. Only someone who has been through this - and there must be oodles of couples - could tell your son what it is like when he feels he needs to know and it would surely set his mind (and maybe yours) at rest.
However, the desire to pass on one's own genes is probably terribly strong in most people, and as the husband it is probably very hard to look at your pregnant wife and think "that's not mine". (At this point the fact that babies in utero are in fact learning something of the voices that they hear around them is comforting as your son would know that the baby would already have this attachment to him via voice recognition at birth).
I'm sure the attachment would grow very quickly after birth though if that was a problem, just as people who foster or adopt babies feel very quickly that they are "their own" (applies to grandparents too!). It would be spooky though to have the sperm from someone on the husband's family side though. It might give the grandparents a feeling that it had some of "them" in it, but I'm not sure it would help the sibiling, or the sibling's wife. Interesting thought though!
Speaking for myself here Ginx, the "being a good father" would matter far more to me in a partner than them having provided the genetic material. So I would have been more than happy to marry the "perfect partner" and either adopt or have sperm donation if necessary. Instinct tells me that probably quite a high proportion of women would feel like this as women highly value their mate's ability to nurture children. Only someone who has been through this - and there must be oodles of couples - could tell your son what it is like when he feels he needs to know and it would surely set his mind (and maybe yours) at rest.
However, the desire to pass on one's own genes is probably terribly strong in most people, and as the husband it is probably very hard to look at your pregnant wife and think "that's not mine". (At this point the fact that babies in utero are in fact learning something of the voices that they hear around them is comforting as your son would know that the baby would already have this attachment to him via voice recognition at birth).
I'm sure the attachment would grow very quickly after birth though if that was a problem, just as people who foster or adopt babies feel very quickly that they are "their own" (applies to grandparents too!). It would be spooky though to have the sperm from someone on the husband's family side though. It might give the grandparents a feeling that it had some of "them" in it, but I'm not sure it would help the sibiling, or the sibling's wife. Interesting thought though!
Re: Surrogacy
mystery,
Maybe it matters to me more than him ... he is a loner and being one of four dc, he considers he wants a large family so he has "friends" (well, people to fight with as well as play!).
My heart used to lurch when he said things like that, so, along with a lot of other things we were drip feeding him, we told him it might not be possible ... lots of people can't have babies naturally ... leading to adoption, because we know a few happy adopted adults (sadly no children). We have looked at babies who are not adopted, and said how much we would love them in our family and the fact they wouldn't be ours would make no difference whatsoever. Which is true. And told him he can't have children - he has no sperm. Well, he may have a few but extracting them would be difficult, fertilization might not happen, or it might just not work, or the child may have my son's problem. Difficult.
I worry what a partner might think; I have read that marriages have broken down after this - if he met someone and told them he was infertile, how would she feel? I suppose if she then left him, she wouldn't have loved him in the first place. I don't know. It's a very personal thing.
Dh agrees with you; it's not going to happen. I just thought it a possibility. It will be interesting to see what happens to ds1 in the future ... however, first he has GCSE's to cope with, and find something to do afterwards if he doesn't get on to A levels (he should do, but it's not a definite), let alone think about a partner.
It all feels a little sad sometimes. But it could all be a lot worse. He's in a mainstream school doing quite well, he's just a little slow and physically weak with just one friend - better than none! Having/not having children probably doesn't cross his mind often. He's ok.
Maybe it matters to me more than him ... he is a loner and being one of four dc, he considers he wants a large family so he has "friends" (well, people to fight with as well as play!).
My heart used to lurch when he said things like that, so, along with a lot of other things we were drip feeding him, we told him it might not be possible ... lots of people can't have babies naturally ... leading to adoption, because we know a few happy adopted adults (sadly no children). We have looked at babies who are not adopted, and said how much we would love them in our family and the fact they wouldn't be ours would make no difference whatsoever. Which is true. And told him he can't have children - he has no sperm. Well, he may have a few but extracting them would be difficult, fertilization might not happen, or it might just not work, or the child may have my son's problem. Difficult.
I worry what a partner might think; I have read that marriages have broken down after this - if he met someone and told them he was infertile, how would she feel? I suppose if she then left him, she wouldn't have loved him in the first place. I don't know. It's a very personal thing.
Dh agrees with you; it's not going to happen. I just thought it a possibility. It will be interesting to see what happens to ds1 in the future ... however, first he has GCSE's to cope with, and find something to do afterwards if he doesn't get on to A levels (he should do, but it's not a definite), let alone think about a partner.
It all feels a little sad sometimes. But it could all be a lot worse. He's in a mainstream school doing quite well, he's just a little slow and physically weak with just one friend - better than none! Having/not having children probably doesn't cross his mind often. He's ok.
Re: Surrogacy
Oh I know Ginx. We so much want everything to be right for our children. There are so many marriages which fall apart because people discover they do not have the same aims a couple of years or so in to it. Your son is less likely to end up in this situation if he is honest about it. Most women are more than happy to discuss their wish to have or not have children ... if they are agreed that they both want children but it doesn't matter that they are not genetically related to your son then maybe they will start out on a better footing than couples who have not really thought it through and discussed things before it's too late.
You are being so straightforward with him I am sure he will be too with a prospective partner. It's a very hard thing for him though at the point when he does care about it. I remember at one stage in my life thinking I would never have children of my own and it being a difficult challenge. It turned out wrong though so I don't really know how it feels as a "forever" thing.
You are being so straightforward with him I am sure he will be too with a prospective partner. It's a very hard thing for him though at the point when he does care about it. I remember at one stage in my life thinking I would never have children of my own and it being a difficult challenge. It turned out wrong though so I don't really know how it feels as a "forever" thing.
Re: Surrogacy
Thanks for the support, Mystery. I suppose my son is the one who needs it.
It's been really difficult deciding what and when to tell him. He's now sort of in denial. He won't meet with other boys like him. He won't read any literature about this. I've left it lying around, suggesting it would help to look, it would explain why he is a little slower than others (I must stress, he is not slower than everybody who is "normal", a word I hate).
He hasn't touched any books I've left lying around.
Anyway, I have to go. I've an appointment with Father Christmas in the summer house!!!! Sounds like Cluedo!
It's been really difficult deciding what and when to tell him. He's now sort of in denial. He won't meet with other boys like him. He won't read any literature about this. I've left it lying around, suggesting it would help to look, it would explain why he is a little slower than others (I must stress, he is not slower than everybody who is "normal", a word I hate).
He hasn't touched any books I've left lying around.
Anyway, I have to go. I've an appointment with Father Christmas in the summer house!!!! Sounds like Cluedo!
Re: Surrogacy
He's at a funny age, and very young still. Maybe he'll talk about in his own time. Might be a few years from now. Perhaps you could put the books where he can find them if he wants them without you being able to tell if he's taken a look? Sounds like you are doing everything you can. I guess he just wants to feel "bog-standard" at the moment and doesn't want any reminders that he might not be. It's not really relevant to him for a long time so it probably has been a good time to tell him.
