Child care contingency??

[Belinda]

I understand the frustrations and concerns regarding childcare, however, in a real emergency most people (kids' friends' parents) are thoroughly decent in these situations and will step in and help.

There is a hint you are more irritated and concerned with your DH's boss, and maybe DH's working conditions, than the (rare) emergency childcare need. The two are actually separate. You do actually have many avenues to choose from to overcome need for emergency childcare. You just need to research them and then make necessary concessions given your (families) choices in life. Maybe you feel more isolated generally than you think, and not just in terms of living away from family in case emergency childcare is required?

The nuclear family, global workplace, and a host of other things mean that aunts, uncles, cousins - the extended family more common in times past - are no longer round the corner to step in. Friendships become ever more important and many (friends) step in where family might otherwise have been expected to.

What do single parents, servicemen and women, and the many hundreds of thousands of others who find themselves bereft of emergency childcare do? They muddle through as best they can and everyone has to adjust a bit. Unfortunately that doesn't always mean a DH / Dad wanting, or able to, leave work - sad, but true. What was actually wrong with your DC when he/she was rushed to hospital? I can't say my DH would leave work / not go in without first wanting to know what the problem was. Some kids are in casualty / hospital a lot, and it's not always a crisis. That sounds harsh and of course under what circumstances a Dad / DH leaves work and rushes to a sick bedside is down to the individuals and families concerned. I'm not sure I'd want mine with me in hospital and I'm not sure I'd trust him looking after little children either!

A (single) friend's DS (aged 2) broke his leg and was in traction for 6 weeks in hospital. She also had a 3 and 5 year old and little extended family support. A good bunch a friends helped her through it although she was shattered, emotionally and physically, and yes, her DS did adjust to be in hospital without Mum. Hopefully there are no attachment disorders surfacing now 15 years later.

If you're away from extended family, your DH is a workaholic, my advice is to make several very good close friends! Emergency childcare would not be an issue then!

[mm23292]

I am afraid I have to disagree, the two are very much entwined, and no, if I have a blue light turning up to take my child to hospital at 2am in the morning, while another lies in bed, and I have nobody that I can call just out of the blue to come over and help, then yes, it is an emergency, and I would not expect to have to give the child's father a score on a one to ten on just how serious it might be. As it was on that occasion, my child was very ill, not that the extent of the child's illness should really matter here. In the ambulance, her oxygen levels were dangerously low and even with pure oxygen they could not get them much higher and she was struggling to breathe because her lungs were badly infected. She was on iv for four days, and with a child of 3, you cannot leave them alone. It is exhausting in itself, as you don't sleep, and you can't even really go to the bathroom, because she gets distressed if you are not there. It is not about having him sat there with me by her bedside, it is about having someone who can tend to your other children's requirements, and who can give you a little respite to go home and simply take a shower! Anyone who has had to sit with a sick child in hospital, will know exactly what I am talking about. There is not a cat in ****'s chance that my 3yr old would have been ok with me not being there with her, and if your pal was able to leave her 2yr old alone, then I am very surprised, because every single child on my every kids ward I have ever had the pleasure of sharing, has had at least one parent with them, at all times. Or maybe those nurses just had a lot more time on their hands back then! I am usually quite capable of muddling through, and I have had many a crisis to deal with in my time, and crisis indeed they were. I asked the question out of curiosity, not for want of comparison with others more compromised than me, I know there are far worse scenarios out there, and everybody deals as best they can, and I know that having good friends you can call upon to help at any time, would be the biggest help, but that too, is often easier advised, than achieved.

[mm23292]

I guess if the need was 'rare' as you say, then it would never have been an issue in the first place, for either his work, or me. That's been the problem really, the fact that in the past couple of years there have been many 'medical' issues. Unprecedented, unfortunate and not a lot we could do to avoid, gosh we have even spent a lot of money on private health care, just so we could get some things resolved quicker, and minimise disruption for dh and his work! Including the 'removal' of my 2nd trimester pregnancy last year, that ended up backfiring in a big way, as I ended up losing so much blood I went into shock, system collapsed and had to be resuscitated, I literally could not get out of bed for over a week. So yes, that too was I think, a little bit of a 'crisis', and dh naturally had to take time off, no nice neighbour could have helped out with that one. Anyway, hopefully all our medical runs will be over soon, have another small op coming up, but as that is something we could thankfully plan for, he's already booked his 'vacation' slot in his diary for that

[mm23292]

Interesting and relevant article in the FT on the benefits of flexibility, and how 77% of Chief execs and 82% of senior managers, male & female alike, are now working flexibly. Technology supporting the ever evolving requirements of home life, which would naturally include things like emergency hospital admissions, and would somehow excuse occasional lack of presence in the office. Exactly my gripe in the original post. According to this article, the old culture of presenteeism has well and truly lost it's rather brown nosed clout! But it's funny how the benefits of anytime, anywhere technology, can become so one way, when the culture is driven by one blinkered individual perched high on those lofty old eaves. Perhaps I should ask hubby to leave a few copies lying around his office

[scarlett]

I thought of you last night, at work, we had a child blue lighted in and the mum's biggest stress was what to do with the sibling as her dh was away. She couldn't go home as she had no car and couldn't ring a neighbour at 3am. I let them all stay, but we have single rooms so can be a bit more flexible. I know exactly what you mean about not being able to leave...or even to have a wee! I really feel for you and hope your spate of hospitalisation is over or that you manage to sort things out.x

[asdguest]

We used to have all these problems with four under five year olds and a husband who spent half the year in the US, nightmare. I was amazed at those who stepped in when we had emergencies and will forever be grateful - this is when you learn who your true friends are. Best thing ever to happen to us was move to new company and female boss who was a mother - she always sent my husband home even when he would rather have stayed at work

[mm23292]

Thank you Scarlett, there’s an obvious reason why you do what you do And it is reassuring to know that there are other ‘weak’ mortals out there, just like me. I guess only those who experience scenarios like that first hand, are truly best disposed to comment in a way that can be considered helpful, whether that is from a perspective of offering advice, or just a friendly ear. It is baffling to think that needing support from my husband in such situations might be considered a tad ‘needy’, or perhaps not quite urgent enough. Thankfully, my dh would never question the exact necessity or severity of a blue light event for me or our children, before taking the decision to think about making arrangements to come home to help, and I guess if someone did have a husband who did that, they would certainly need all the friends they could get! For somebody who doesn’t know me or my circumstances to tell me that I do in fact have many avenues of choice in situations like that, is rather odd. In fact, this is exactly the type of comment his boss would make. Because he has no awareness beyond his own convenient set-up nor has compassion for those who don’t. Illness can’t always be planned, yet despite the fact that we have notched up a staggering 14 hospital admissions between us in the past 2 years, most of which were ‘emergencies’, my dh has tried his hardest to accommodate both, whether that meant going into the office for a few hours, not easy with a 4 hour commute, or working through the nights while he was at home. A couple of the Mum’s have had my eldest daughter to stay on occasions, but that has not always been possible, because they have other plans, or holidays. As for my 3yr olds little group of friends, the Mum’s who work have their own busy agendas, whereas some of the others actually have nannies or au pairs despite the fact that they don’t work! And as far as I’m concerned, if they’re not inclined to look after their own children, they are surely not going to be too inclined to look after mine! You don’t feel that kind of vulnerability until you experience it yourself, and it made me acutely aware of how much my dc’s friends grandparents played a part in their lives, and how without close family like that, or good friends who live locally and are able to drop their own agendas at the drop of a hat to offer you support, you really are exposed when situations like that arise. By the sounds of it, some of you have fantastic neighbours and friends on hand to help, but unfortunately, not everybody does.