Teens with high functioning Aspergers

[Amber]

Not sure where I really fit into this (can't even fit into a discussion on not fitting in!) as I am a total softie, cry at all kinds of stuff and will empathise with anything that moves. I am a sucker for the hopeless case and have brought home all kinds of waifs and strays over the years, and have worried myself sick over pupils I have taught. I think I am quite 'feminine' and certainly not 'one of the lads'. So I reiterate the view that just feeling 'different' doesn't necessarily bring with it a whole lot of other labels, does it?

Surely we all just want to be accepted as we are; and not be subjected to pressure to like certain things, look a certain way or do certain things? And for teenagers this has to be more important than for the rest of us.

Chad - so good to hear that story and I am glad your son is happy and settled now. What a marvellous feeling that must be for you.

[southbucks3]

Both my husband's relative and the girl at school I mentioned, really struggled to empathise, and come across as uncaring, I think this element of AS is one of the hardest to help people deal with, as it is not something you can learn to do (Like pretending to be interested in something or counting to 5 before butting in, or not leaving someone chatting on the phone to deadly silence) it is very hard to fake empathy and lack of tt hurts people's feelings.

They also needed a firm hand in their dress code, some of what they wear/wore is ok but sometimes you just have to say...go back, take off your clothes and try again, else it could feel you were walking round with a side show.

These two were the reason I got involved in teaching certain life skills to special needs teens and adults, and I am very happy I did. Sadly the organisation lost funding, and parents were devastated, as it often takes a stranger to be firm and honest.

Teaching cooking was a revelation...particularly when sharing ingredients, and finished product, I lost count of the amount of times the students nearly burnt themselves, because they lost concentration. My friend lived on cuppa soups and bread if no body cooked for her...she had no interest in food for pleasure.

[talea51]

Amber, so true. I think that is probably what all of us want but there does seem to be a good number of people who have no trouble fitting in and a small number of us who are, for whatever reason, a bit different to everyone else. Being different does make life that bit more difficult, at least it has in my experience.

SB3 - oh my word - my dd has the world's worst dress sense and I do often have to send her back to change. Dh feels that she should be able to wear whatever she likes. In principle I agree, but when she wants to wear a vest and cropped leggings in below zero temperatures, I feel I do have to step in.

Chad - your post brought tears to my eyes. I am so pleased that your son is happy and has found his niche.

[southbucks3]

SB3 - oh my word - my dd has the world's worst dress sense and I do often have to send her back to change. Dh feels that she should be able to wear whatever she likes. In principle I agree,

Yes but in a world without AS my dh thinks it is ok to take the boys shopping in town straight after football training, just slinging tracksuit over the mud!

At the end of the day, why make life difficult by noticeably standing out in a crowd, particularly if you hate social interaction. I am sure many if us would love to wear pj' s all day but we learn from childhood that conformity is just easier.

One day my dh' s relative turned up to an afternoon tea and cake family gathering in plaid (short) shorts, a collared shirt done up all the way and tucked in of course, baseball cap, man bag and wellies...even my husband who is very very laid back, told him to get a grip! His wife had met him there, so was not at home to prevent the sartorial madness...her words were succinct but brutal! This man is hugely intelligent btw.

[talea51]

SB3 - oh my word - my dd has the world's worst dress sense and I do often have to send her back to change. Dh feels that she should be able to wear whatever she likes. In principle I agree,

Yes but in a world without AS my dh thinks it is ok to take the boys shopping in town straight after football training, just slinging tracksuit over the mud!

At the end of the day, why make life difficult by noticeably standing out in a crowd, particularly if you hate social interaction. I am sure many if us would love to wear pj' s all day but we learn from childhood that conformity is just easier.

One day my dh' s relative turned up to an afternoon tea and cake family gathering in plaid (short) shorts, a collared shirt done up all the way and tucked in of course, baseball cap, man bag and wellies...even my husband who is very very laid back, told him to get a grip! His wife had met him there, so was not at home to prevent the sartorial madness...her words were succinct but brutal! This man is hugely intelligent btw.

That is exactly the kind of thing that my dd would do SB3! The things she wears just beggar belief. She is also highly intelligent but she just can't seem to grasp practicalities. I am more and more wondering if perhaps she does have AS...

Yes, that is my point to dh as well. It's all very well for us to say that it's OK to be different and that non conformity is admirable but... when you've been bullied for not fitting in, surely dressing in a way that highlights how much you don't fit in is unwise.

[neveragain*]

Reading these posts made me both laugh, and feel sad.

My DD was saying last night that she wasn't sure if it wasn't worse for her to look so very very normal - she is a particularly attractive young woman with fabulous dress sense - but then underneath be far from the norm! As she said, the people who love her find it a fabulous combination but many young men are taken unawares and frightened off by her ascerbic wit and intellectualised conversation within minutes.

Being different is hard. I often say to my kids and to my clients through that none of us know how others are feeling, we just make assumptions. In my experience a lot of people feel uncomfortable socially, and anxious in certain situations. Maybe it is simply the human condition.

I remember well training my DD to ask for what she wanted in cafe's - when she was really uncomfortable doing so. It must have looked terribly mean from the outside but now I have a child who can travel all over the world independently - albeit minus a few teeth ( in joke for those forum users who read the infamous dentist thread) - and is confident, if not comfortable, asking for help. She also really prefers adults to teens. It won't be long thank goodness til she really is an adult!

[um]

This is an interesting topic.

My dc4 was diagnosed as having Asperger's at 3 - but last summer was diagnosed as being autistic - he's higher up on the spectrum than previously thought and in fairness, can be quite challenging to handle. He needs a huge amount of input. The consultant recommended that he should be placed at SEN SA+ as the school had until then refused to acknowledge he needed any support (as he's academically able). Although the school eventually agreed, it made no difference to his support and he's no longer there anyway. He would get into trouble and sent to the Headteacher for things such as 'using too much tissue' for a runny nose, and these were related to his ASD and his struggle to deal with things such as ... having a runny nose.

I've come to realise through the process with dc4's paediatrician and OT that ds1 - who is 15 - is certainly on the spectrum too. As he was my eldest and there was less awareness of ASD then, he was never officially diagnosed. I see no point in getting him diagnosed now - experience shows that it won't mean any support.
He is both wonderful and challenging at the same time. He's a good kid because he is diligent and works hard. He certainly doesn't want to go out partying or anything like that! He's a mummy's boy who has already announced that he wants to stay at home through Uni. He sees things as very black and white - as in, if something is wrong (smoking, girls) he won't go near it. I have more worries about ds2 in that regard.

However he can be very difficult as he gets 'hung up' on things and is ultra-sensitive. His clothes, trousers, shoes etc all have to be a certain (usually expensive ) make. He has a particular cushion on his bed that has to come whenever we go anywhere (and has been on all his school trips - at least it's not a teddy bear!). A pair of new shoes or a change in coat will make him unbearable for a few days. He can't stand change, which isn't great as we're moving house and he's the only one who wants to stay. He will only eat with certain cutlery and drink from specific beakers. He has a school textbook that was slightly torn (not by him, but a previous owner) and after a day of weeping (literally tears down his face) I was forced to make a long-winded repair job on it as he just couldn't use it otherwise
He does find it hard to manage socially but I have to say that, from being lonely throughout primary school (the 'nerd') he has made a few good friends at his grammar school and is much more content. It is a very small grammar school full of plenty of boys like him and I think it really is the best place for him. He can't stand a lot of noise and crowds. He went on a rock climbing trip last summer with school, and I wasn't sure how he would manage - but instead of sleeping in the main, busy tent, he was able to sleep in a smaller tent a short distance away with two other (rather similar) boys. It's little things like this that the school has done to accommodate him, that I appreciate. I worry about how he copes with stress as his GCSEs will be next year and he can get very anxious (polar opposite of ds2 who is unfortunately not remotely anxious) and this could throw up some real issues.
Has anyone got an ASD child who has been through exams? Any advice?

ETA - I get you on cafes! Last term, coming back to school from a medical appointment, we realised ds1 would miss lunch. I managed to pull up beside a Subway and told ds1 to run in and order. He refused, saying that he didn't know what to say. After going through the process (the veggie option, please) he became so wound up that I was forced to go on a detour and find a (legitimate) parking space so I could come in and order it for him. At 15 years old! I must admit I despaired .

[um]

No-one has mentioned Sherlock yet.
Although commentators have often said he had Asperger's the word was actually mentioned in the second BBC series and in the latest one, there was quite a play on 'having friends' with his brother. Certainly his appearing completely uncaring at times reminds me of my dc4.
My dd had a blood test recently at which she fainted (unfortunately she has fainted at a few blood tests ) but the worse thing was that dc4 said very matter-of-factly aloud, 'Oh, is she dead?'. No apparent show of distress for his sister who has done so much for him. The nurses thought it was hilarious...

Anyway, I found this article quite interesting: http://redwhiteandgrew.com/2014/01/29/a ... fted-kids/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

[UmSusu]

um, that reminds me of when youngest knocked a group of filled drinking glasses off the table at a big family dinner. The drinks were spilled everywhere and my baby niece was nearby on the floor in a baby chair and cried - we all got up in panic to check the glass didn't go anywhere near her and tried to clean up what was on the table, he simply said "well thank God none of it spilt into my plate!" before tucking in obliviously. Bless him

I know what you mean about how frustrating some of their rigidity can be though.

[Proud_Dad]

No-one has mentioned Sherlock yet.

Or Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. He's a classic example of high functioning Asperger's syndrome, although it is never mentioned on the program, probably because it might cause problems for the production team.

Also "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" is an enjoyable and interesting novel about a teenage boy with Aspergers.