Teens with high functioning Aspergers

[solimum]

I have a friend whose 15 year old daughter has had a diagnosis, although she doesn't want it talked about. The girl has always been "different" - not keen on
participating in group situations but full of intelligent questions which demonstrate she is often thinking at a different level from some of her peers. She thrives in a one-to-one situation, but has been prone to depression and self-harm. The school have apparently been very supportive, but I know her parents ( who have older children) have found it a strain at times.

[talea51]

Like sb3 and Amber, we are a family of differentness (not a word, I know).

I never fitted in at school. Primary school was a hideous experience. In high school it was easier to find girls more like me but I never had a huge social circle, I would have just one very close friend.

It was only at university that I met a group of like minded individuals and ended up with a very large social group, a lot of whom I am still in contact with despite us being scattered across the globe.

My dd1 doesn't fit in with the girls in her class. She thinks differently to them - she has her moments of social competence but she has her moments of social incompetence too. She does just walk away in the middle of a conversation sometimes. She gets bored and wanders off. She does it to me as well, I do scold her for it, I do tell her it's rude. She tries harder now to observe social niceties but I will not force her to conform to someone else's ideal.

It does make life hard for her, we do have tears. She has asked more than once what is wrong with her and my answer is that there is nothing wrong with her. She is who she is, delightful and wonderful and one day she will find individuals who are capable of accepting her for whom she is and they will appreciate all her wonderful qualities.

Is she "on the spectrum"? I don't know. Maybe I am too? Who knows but I do know that my brother never had the difficulties with "fitting in" that I did and neither does dd2.

[Amber]

I suppose to fit in you have to want to fit in and to think there is something worth fitting into. I am not sure I do to be honest. I would rather skate round the edges and be a bit of an outsider than sell out to a set of values which look trivial and unfulfilling to me. I would rather be on my own at the top of a hill taking in the view than surrounded by silly small talk at a party of drinkers. But occasionally I would like to want to be part of that party of drinkers, if that makes sense. I just don't.

But even at this age that isn't always easy and it must be so much harder for the young ones.

[talea51]

I suppose to fit in you have to want to fit in and to think there is something worth fitting into. I am not sure I do to be honest. I would rather skate round the edges and be a bit of an outsider than sell out to a set of values which look trivial and unfulfilling to me. I would rather be on my own at the top of a hill taking in the view than surrounded by silly small talk at a party of drinkers. But occasionally I would like to want to be part of that party of drinkers, if that makes sense. I just don't.

But even at this age that isn't always easy and it must be so much harder for the young ones.

My experience is a bit different to yours. I have wanted to fit in, I tried as a child and again as an adult and I am just incapable of it. I came to the realisation that people either accept me for who I am or they don't and it's nothing to do with me if they don't. It's their own incapacity to embrace individuality that is the problem, not my inability to embrace the norm. Like you Amber, I realised that fitting in would require selling out my values and principles and I don't want to do that.

I think it must be very difficult for teenagers. Adolescence is such a turbulent time for them and to not fit in with the majority is very isolating. I know that my dd will go through this, I am just hoping that she will find at least one other girl who is also "different" and not part of the crowd.

That's not to say that my daughter doesn't have friends, she does - they are just not at her primary school.

Having said all that, my dd does like to be alone - she walks away from social situations quite often because she's had enough. She wants to be on her own and in her own head and that sounds a lot like what you describe Amber.

[Proud_Dad]

I wonder how much worse that feels for people just starting out on this crazy life when much of what you see around you seems to lack meaning.

Sigh. Hammering with rain here, dark and grey. Sums it up I suppose. Sigh again.

"However," she said, brightening up a little, "we haven't had an earthquake lately.” ...

[Tinkers]

I think I would fit in very well with Amber and Talea51.
Another one here who just didn't fit in that well at school. Didn't like going to nightclubs or noisy bars later on (and getting called antisocial when I didn't go or left early).

Quite happy with my own company, but getting better with others, especially if they are the sort of people who accept me for what I am. Maybe I'm getting better at finding that sort of person. I don't know.

A couple of years ago a friend with a DD with ASD, mentioned that I showed traits. (She said it in a nice way btw), so maybe that's it. It would certainly explain a lot.

I think I just accepted early on that I wasn't going to fit in, especially with other girls. I always spent more time with boys and saw them as friends. Other girls hated this during the teenage years, but I just felt I understood how the social rules worked for boys much better than those for girls.
Much easier at sixth college as I was doing maths, physics and chemistry, so surrounded by mostly boys and more similar minded girls. Doing engineering at uni was a breeze.

[talea51]

I think I would fit in very well with Amber and Talea51.
Another one here who just didn't fit in that well at school. Didn't like going to nightclubs or noisy bars later on (and getting called antisocial when I didn't go or left early).

Quite happy with my own company, but getting better with others, especially if they are the sort of people who accept me for what I am. Maybe I'm getting better at finding that sort of person. I don't know.

A couple of years ago a friend with a DD with ASD, mentioned that I showed traits. (She said it in a nice way btw), so maybe that's it. It would certainly explain a lot.

I think I just accepted early on that I wasn't going to fit in, especially with other girls. I always spent more time with boys and saw them as friends. Other girls hated this during the teenage years, but I just felt I understood how the social rules worked for boys much better than those for girls.
Much easier at sixth college as I was doing maths, physics and chemistry, so surrounded by mostly boys and more similar minded girls. Doing engineering at uni was a breeze.

I think that's the secret Tinkers, we get better at finding the sort of people who accept us for who we are.

Now that you mention it Tinkers, I also had a lot of friends who were boys when I was at high school, not a lot of female friends but quite a few male friends. I always felt more comfortable with male company. Come to think of it, I had more male friends than female friends at Uni too. I always had one or two really close female friends but my social group was mostly males. I hadn't really thought about it before but I think it was probably for the same reason as you say.

Interesting... I hadn't really thought of it like that. Now I am wondering if I haven't made a huge mistake in sending dd to an all girls school for secondary school! Eeeeek.

[Tinkers]

I was reluctant to send DD to a girls school for the same reasons. I knew I would have hated it and wouldn't have fitted in, therefore felt they were a 'bad thing'. But DD wanted to go to one, partly because she had had enough of boys at primary and partly because it was one of the few schools we knew she stood a chance of getting into (as long as she did well in the exam) that also did German.

With hindsight it was my own prejudices. It suits her perfectly.

[KS10]

I think schools can play their part if the SEN and pastoral teams liaise more closely, with the parents' permission, of course. I've seen it happen successfully on one occasion. From the very start, the form tutor made it clear that the form was a team. I'm not entirely sure exactly what was said, but the boy is now in Year 11 and the form group is very protective of him. He is a lovely boy, but very vulnerable so it is great that the other boys keep an eye on him.

[chad]

Ds has a diagnosis of Aspergers.
First school was great.... no problems, just seen as different.
Middle school highlighted his social problems a bit more... no good at (hated) sport, didn't fit in with what was perceived as normal for a 9-10 yr old boy.
Grammar school was better.... but still had issues around fitting in with the crowd, bullying, etc.
6th Form was a definite milestone and the whole issue around 'being one of the boys' disappeared, he found a couple of like minded people and was accepted in a group.
Now at Uni.... he is loving it. Has more than one group of friends, is accepted for who he is, his caring and soft personality is seen as a positive and he has never been happier.
I have never accepted excuses for inappropriate behaviour and it has paid off. Although it may have taken longer than 'normal', he has learnt how to interact in social situations and is open about his diagnosis and when he is feeling unsure.
It helps that his 'peer' group are all now older... as he has always preferred the company of adults and that the Uni he chose (not one of the higher place Uni's) suits him so well.
So, from my perspective.....Yes it was hard, especially the early teenage years, but it was worth it to see him come through the other side.