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 Post subject: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 11:35 pm 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:28 am
Posts: 1773
Bit delicate this, but I just wondered what others think. A couple of days ago my ds started asking more questions about the birds and bees. We've had the male equivalent of dd's talk and thought that was it. However he asked me several extremely graphic questions that made my hair stand on end. When I talked to him further it transpires that it was the sort of thing that all the boys were talking about. He said that one of the boys says he watches cert 15 films with his 2 older brothers and putting 2 and 2 together it seems to be him that has started this off, although I don't think it can be proven. Do we just keep dealing a question at a time (there was one I refused to answer and said that he would need to wait until he was older)?


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Tue Feb 10, 2015 11:42 pm 
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Joined: Tue Sep 03, 2013 9:59 am
Posts: 1662
Most children are watching youtube these days and some things there can be graphic. I would answer all the questions. It's better he gets the answers from you than from a friend in a very distorted way. How old is he? Aren't you glad he's still asking you?


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 6:38 am 
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Joined: Tue Mar 04, 2008 2:28 pm
Posts: 2361
I agree that you should be celebrating the fact he is coming to talk to you - many children wouldn't so it says something very positive about your relationship.
I think his age makes a difference as to how you handle it further. I am also surprised that a 15 rated film would be that graphic so it sounds like it is more than that.

Depending on exactly where this is coming from I would answer all questions but also be proactive in taking the opportunity to discuss attitudes to ******** behaviour and relationships. There is a danger I guess in putting him off talking to you so I can see you don't want to push but equally if you feel some things aren't appropriate at his age then you shouldn't be afraid to say so. Many children are still looking for boundaries to be set for them to counteract other pressures so while not being draconian and making it clear you are prepared to discuss everything and aren't cross with him for asking it may be possible to use the opportunity to discuss boundaries for behaviour at different ages and stages?


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 7:03 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2013 7:59 pm
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+1 and tie it all in with Internet Safety to boot.


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 8:04 am 
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Joined: Tue Dec 18, 2012 10:59 am
Posts: 3579
Thoroughly agree, keep up the good communication work.
The older they get the more they cringe and walk away, so whilst he is talking make the most of it, but keep him safe.


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 8:28 am 
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Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:59 am
Posts: 5922
Agree. Be glad he is asking you and don't refuse to answer anything at all*. I would also add that I have taken several opportunities to point out that what they see in online p orn (which of course they all deny watching) is not a true reflection of most people's s exual experiences, that women are often coerced into taking part in these things and are being exploited, and that issues of consent are never reflected in them. I think it is very important that both boys and girls are aware of the pressures on women to groom their bodies in certain ways - for me this is something I wanted mine to know was unacceptable and I don't want my sons contributing to that pressure or my daughter feeling she has to succumb to that culture. I also think it is hugely important to teach both genders to be able to say 'no' at any point but to respect the feelings of others too. One of the things which seems to have gained popularity is girls performing a particular act on (sometimes several) male friends at parties - personally I think that needs challenging on both sides, though others seem to think it's ok and at least the girl won't get pregnant. Apparently girls think it is a compliment to be asked :shock: . For me all those issues are more central to this than the technicalities, which are pretty mundane when you reduce them to mere facts.

Soon he will know more than you anyway, so take the chance to open the dialogue now, even if it is uncomfortable.

* though I think questions about what you have done or do do are probably off-limits in the same way as you won't expect to be asking them in huge detail exactly what they choose to do when the time comes.


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:07 am 
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Posts: 1773
This is really interesting and thank you so much for your responses. He will be 10 1/2 at the end of February and is physically quite small, very immature and gullible. I was expecting it all to kick off in September when he's at senior school but wasn't prepared for such graphic stuff. It has provided me the opportunity to explain that violent r..ape, and of course any kind is never acceptable. Making love in a consensual way is the only way it should happen. Being a chicken, I've asked dh to have a chat about the other stuff. You are right about him asking; in my shock it's not something I have really thought about. Trailers for 50 shades everywhere aren't helping matters either :lol:


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 10:33 am 
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Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:45 pm
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He's quite young then. My advice (and my sons have never been comfortable talking about this stuff, so well done you) would be to answer his questions but no need to go into more detail than he seems to want at this age. It reminds me on a search my DS left open on my laptop at a similar age :lol: :roll: Will answer pm's if anyone is curious!


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 11:02 am 
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Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 10:59 am
Posts: 5922
scary mum wrote:
It reminds me on a search my DS left open on my laptop at a similar age :lol: :roll: Will answer pm's if anyone is curious!
We had a similar issue with one of ours. He denied all involvement until fairly recently but let's say he would have become an expert on one particular area of the rubber product market at the age of 9. I rather foolishly said he should have asked us, but the knowledge he would have gleaned from his search session would easily have outstripped our own rather basic understanding of the range of goods on offer.


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 Post subject: Re: Delicate dilema
PostPosted: Wed Feb 11, 2015 11:51 am 
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Joined: Mon Aug 01, 2011 10:28 am
Posts: 1773
This is so comforting (I think :D ) that we aren't unusual. His last question before bed was is it right that homosexual men have a certain way of 'doing it' (if you know what I mean). :shock: . I said it was one but certainly not the only way but that it was a private matter between them. I'd consider I have been let off lightly at the moment Amber with questions about said rubber products. I walked by my dd's laptop a while ago scarymum and was taken aback by what was on there - nothing too bad, but unexpected. Biology homework apparently. Stop the world I want to get off!!!


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