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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 10:55 am 
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Joined: Wed Dec 01, 2010 9:57 am
Posts: 272
Having sailed through her secondary school years without ever having friendship issues, my daughter has been having to deal with a difficult situation at school, at a time that could not have been worse!
One of her close knit friendship group, is a girl who has had many home life issues and has received a lot of support from the school over the years, not just financially, but emotionally too, in terms of counselling etc.
Her father was an abusive alcoholic and she is estranged from him and her other siblings due to the nasty breakdown of her parents marriage some years ago. This girl has developed a worsening drink problem in the past year, and becomes aggressive and embarrassing, and my daughter having initially tried to help her and support her, had to finally admit defeat after a particularly awful incident, which did not just put her friend's safety in jeopardy, but my daughter's too. This friend had kind of latched onto my daughter in quite a controlling way, she openly belittled her, didn't like her seeing other people, and my daughter was becoming increasingly unhappy about the situation. Having tried to distance herself in a subtle way, without being rude or unfriendly, this girl has completely flipped. Having subjected her to a barrage of silent treatment interspersed with nasty rituals of covert bullying, my daughter broke down on one occasion before an exam, and this girl openly mocked her tears as 'pathetic' and laughed about it on social media. Not once, has my daughter retaliated. She is a kind, sensitive and very level headed young girl.
Having failed to get the retaliation this bully so obviously wanted over the past few weeks, this girl has now set about trying to alienate her from their little friendship group. Being the loud brash type, her friends like the energy it creates in the group, so it has become a difficult situation for my daughter. She had to stop using the school library to study, as this girl was constsantly making alienation comments to annoy her, would sing songs while my daughter was trying to study, and constantly make plans that would openly exclude her. The final straw came just before yesterdays exam, this girl announced a change of venue for their end of exam get together...her house, and just us select few..excluding my daughter of course. I picked her up in tears..she just cannot take it anymore.
I am furious that this is happening at such a crucial time at school. Furious that while my daughter is unable to use the school facilities we pay for, this girl is running riot with her mean behaviour. My daughter is adamant I am not to speak to the school, because at 16 she would be ridiculed even more. I am at my wits end. She has two exams today, and yesterday was written off she has been so upset by this. Does anyone have any advice? I would expect this behaviour from a yr 7 girl..but year 11??


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:09 am 
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You have to involve the school - there is no choice - they may be able to write to the exam board about the situation if they feel it has affected her performance.

Certainly, if she need to get certain grades to get on A level courses then they must know.

They will have dealt with worse - I'm afraid the exam period can bring about strange behaviour from students and parents.

Reassurance your daughter that real friends do not treat each other like this.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:21 am 
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Joined: Mon Jul 15, 2013 5:17 pm
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so sorry to hear this, hope it gets resolved quickly, agree with g55


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 11:26 am 
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I agree with G55. This is one of those occasions where you need to be a parent and not a friend. Your daughter needs you to intervene even if she thinks she doesn't. You may find that if you speak to the school that they will find a way to deal with this without pointing a finger at you for reporting it.
I wish you all the very best and your daughter the best in her exams.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 12:18 pm 
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Joined: Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:45 pm
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mm23292 wrote:
Her father was an abusive alcoholic and she is estranged from him and her other siblings due to the nasty breakdown of her parents marriage some years ago. This girl has developed a worsening drink problem in the past year, and becomes aggressive and embarrassing, and my daughter having initially tried to help her and support her, had to finally admit defeat after a particularly awful incident, which did not just put her friend's safety in jeopardy, but my daughter's too.

If you are seriously talking about a child with a drink problem, and the school is not aware, then something has gone seriously wrong somewhere. Would it not be a matter for child protection services or a similar agency?

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It felt like I hit rock bottom; suddenly, there was knocking from beneath... (anon.)


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 1:30 pm 
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Joined: Tue Nov 17, 2009 6:16 pm
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Dear mm

Until I got to your 3rd paragraph, I thought I was reading a post from a parent of of dd's friendship group! We have had similar experiences although luckily the offending girl is not supported by the friendship group and has differing personal issues.

I will not got into details and hijack your post with our troubles but aim only to share some of my experience in the hope that you can find some similarities.

I really sympathise with you as we had this in the early part of this year and it came to a head about March/April when exams and revision should really have been the focus. We had to get the school involved as I was worried about the effect it was having at this critical time. My dd has also attempted to distance herself recently from this girl but exams have thrown them together as most of their subjects are the same and they also have the same travel arrangements. Unfortunately, this girl was saying she was being excluded which even the student support manager said was untrue but that has meant it has been difficult to draw away.

However, only last week, following further developments, I wrote back to the school (with the support of one of the other mothers) for the girl to be removed from their form next year and as many classes as timetabling, etc allows. My dd is also changing train time to avoid conflict with her.

Is there any scope to do this with your dd in the form of gaining support from any other parents in the group; changing form groups, subjects, etc? Will there be new 'blood' coming into the school in the sixth form to dilute friendship issues and create opportunities for new friends? If things are really bad, is there the possibility of actually changing schools for the sixth form? This is what one of my dd's friend's sister did. It is always a difficult one as there are existing 'nice' friends, known by teachers, subject choices, etc. This is where your dd seems to differ from mine in that your dd is being excluded and isolated.

I agree with the others though that you need to contact the school ASAP and detail the history. With luck they can intervene before the exams finish and possibly assist with sixth form.

I hope things improve for you all soon.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 4:18 pm 
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Joined: Thu Dec 11, 2008 9:42 pm
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As others have said you need to speak to the school immediately. I would also be inclined to take screen shots of any incidents which have occurred on social media and then get your dd to block her on Snapchat, Instagram etc.

Speak to the school also about the girls drink problem.

I hope things improve for your dd very soon.


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 15, 2016 5:46 pm 
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Agree with Guest .
Akso, right now I would talk to your DD about how this will blow over with her real friends and to try as much as she can to put it to one side until after the exams.
It's wrong that your DD is being pushed out from studying at school etc but I would take the pragmatic view for now and keep her away from the situation as much as possible - studying at home and spending as little time in school as possible.
I would also 'shut down' all her social media accounts until after the exams. If she has real friends she wants to keep in touch with there is still the phone.
Again it's not fair but for now I would focus in getting her through the exams and deal with the wrongs afterwards.
Lots and lots of love and special treats with you and her family can still be welcome at 16 - DD had a different kind of emotional disaster at a similar time and they can quickly go from young adults to the children they still are.

I am so, so sorry she is suffering like this.


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:30 am 
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Thank you for your comments, much appreciated. It is indeed a tricky situation, people tend to associate coercive controlling relationships with that of boyfriend/girlfriend scenarios, but of course those behavioural patterns can be learned and re-enacted in any social scenario. Some of this girl's behaviours are deeply disturbing. My daughter had come to think she may have been bi-polar, she stopped seeing her counsellors a few months ago, and has progressively become more erratic over the past few months. She has had to call her mum on many occasions, having turned drunk and abusive too many times to handle. She had taken to stashing secret bottles of vodka and downing them before turning up somewhere. She arrived at my daughter's birthday party late..and could barely stand. Having vomited all over our garden, I had to have her taken home. My daughter was furious and upset. She just couldn't deal with it anymore. She is definitely in need of some help, but how do you broach that when she is 16 and it is not your child? Her own mother knows full well that she has this drink problem, but my daughter has witnessed this girl being abusive towards her mother too, and I do get the impression that she is completely out of her depth.
And now that my daughter has backed off, she is clearly playing the 'if I can't be your friend, nobody else will' game. The covert nature of her campaign to alienate is quite disturbing. Insidious and unrelenting. My daughter loves her friends, they have always been so supportive of one another. But this girl comes across loud and bubbly and wacky in the extreme, and that is what the others see. She has told them various untruths about the reasons behind the cooling in friendship, making it seem as if it is she that is the victim and needs to be pitied. Classic manipulation of course, but goodness how damaging. It is very sad.
I rang the school yesterday and have been promised a call back. I am still unsure as to how much I can or should divulge. It is such a sensitive issue..


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PostPosted: Thu Jun 16, 2016 9:45 am 
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Joined: Fri Mar 04, 2011 2:32 pm
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My dd has had to deal with this for years.

She said yesterday that doing all her revision at home she has learnt far more in the past few weeks than any time in school.


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