Friendship issue in the midst of GCSEs!!

[Turtlegirl]

I agree that your daughter should be keeping a log of every incident, whether it involves this girl directly, or is reported to her via someone else. She should note what was said but also how it made her feel. A log like this could, if necessary, be taken to the police to make a charge of harassment.

[KB]

Agree that you need all this recorded in detail as it happens along with names of potential witnesses - as many as possible.

I would also look at getting some professional advice. Is there a bullying advice service you can talk to?

At the very least is there a level headed friend you can take with you when you go to the school?

This is an extremely serious situation and my feeling is you need your concerns documented at the school in case the girl in question tries blaming your DD for something really serious.

I would also ask the school that other pupils, Head girl or no, are kept out of it. They don't have the training or experience to deal with something like this and could cause further harm.

I found, many years ago now, that refusing to send my child in to school because I was concerned for their safety was the right button to press to get action! The situation wasn't as bad as yours and was quickly dealt with so they didn't actually have to miss more than a day of school. Obviously there are wider implications in your case but I would certainly push the safeguarding route.

In the short term do reinforce to your DD not to be alone with this girl and I would also say not to be alone at all wherever possible so any false accusations can be easily disproved.

[piggys]

What an awful situation OP You have my sympathies. I agree that it is definitely a matter of your dd's safety and you need to be very clear with the school about that. If there have been any threats of any kind then they should be noted and the police should be informed. This girl may already be on the police radar.....certainly she will be on the SS radar. #

I honestly would be insisting that the school guarantees your dd's safety and ensures she is never alone with this girl. I would ask for written assurances to that effect. You need to be very assertive here which may not be in your nature.

Take screenshots of any nasty material on snapchat/instagram etc. Sooner or later this girl will trip up and implicate herself.

From reading your initial post, it seems to me that the girl wanted your dd all to herself and wants to punish her for not agreeing to be dominated. Your poor dd. She is in the right and you need to keep telling her that.

What is the school's bullying policy and are they actively enforcing it?

Good luck . I was bullied at school in years 7 and 8 and I still remember it like it was yesterday.

[timothylewin]

A some posters have suggested, it maybe time to go on the 'offensive' rather than be on the defensive. Audio recordings, video, anything and then reported to the school etc. I would also consider raising this with the school governors via parent governor as no action being taken. Studies must be hard enough without this bully affecting your child any further.

[Guest55]

I agree with a lot of the above - records of incidents are important and a note of who was around.

Time to make an urgent appointment with the pastoral lead and talk about safeguarding - your daughter needs to feel safe in school.

The other girl needs professional help too but your daughter's needs come first.

[Stroller]

So while her dislike is obvious, and the looks she gives my daughter are generally visible to most of the pupils, she also hides it when appropriate. We met her with her mother while shopping one day, and unaware that I could see her from the shop doorway I had just exited, witnessed her abject up & down look of disgust as my daughter smiled and said hello to her mother, only for her to regain sweet composure once I was spotted.

Why on earth are you perpetuating the illusion of social niceties with this girl? If an opportunity like that arose to call her out for being such a toe rag in front of her mother, I'd have taken it. So what if the mother is uncomfortable. You're not in awe of their wealth, are you?

Your visible support must be unwaveringly in favour of your daughter. Swoop in breezily, "Daughter, we need to go." And go. No further discussion, explanation, etc.

And if it were my daughter, frankly, at this stage, she would have my strong support to tell the other girl as loudly and publicly as possible - preferably when a reasonable and experienced teacher is nearby - to F off and stop being obnoxious. Call it out. Shatter the illusion. Meet fire with fire. Teach her to stand up for herself. By escalating, she'll put this issue squarely on the school's agenda. Add your weight to it by articulating factual concerns in writing.

The other girl's life is already out of control. Don't allow her to take your daughter down with her by encouraging your child to be "kind, sensitive" and subtle no matter what, to her own detriment. Letting things continue in the current 'turn a blind eye' mode is not a good life lesson for either of them.

[piggys]

I don't agree Stroller - meeting aggression and cruelty with more aggression and confrontation is likely to lead to catastrophe.

[Stroller]

Why wouldn't the functional family want this firmly and publicly on the school's agenda? Polite communication efforts to date appear to have had no impact.

The catastrophe to fear is that nothing happens and the polite child's mental health deteriorates irrevocably.

[mm23292]

I understand what you are saying stroller. The incident in question was a few months back, shortly after DD had started trying to disconnect the friendship, before the extent of this behaviour had become apparent.
I am not sure the pleasantries would be quite so easy now! You are right, I have upto this point taken a softly good intentioned approach, but after my daughter's maelstrom over half term, and learning the extent of what I have, I am far beyond taking the more considered approach, and will be escalating this whole sorry affair as soon as their doors open on Monday morning.
While I have no qualms about taking this further, I do have qualms about the outcome. DD is afraid this girl will retaliate in some way, and I am mindful of the fact that a lot of her behaviour has been covert. My husband is very dismissive of what the school can do. If this girl can manipulate what her friends and mother believe about dd, then surely she will no doubt just extend the same lies to them too. Will the friends who have confided their concerns over her obsessive hatred for DD, be willing to make statements to that effect. And how does a school elicit all this information? How do they weigh one testimony against another? This is all unknown territory for us, so I very much appreciate all your comments.
Interestingly, a mother of one of dd's friends was warned about this girl being 'trouble' when she joined 6years ago, and there had been complaints of bullying during her primary school. How sad not much has changed after all this time.

[Guest55]

The school can make a huge difference to this situation - those giving statements need to be told they are not going to be named. They could also gather evidence via other means; are there no records from Primary or previous incidents?

You need to be frank with the school - it is a safeguarding issue and you will take it further if it is not resolved as a matter of urgency.