How are all the year 7s settling in - good and bad?

[Amber]

More sympathies - and maybe check out some of the advice on the Pastoral Care section.

An older friend advised my DD when she started secondary not to try and make friends with the popular girls, but to look for the unpopular ones and try to make friends with them instead. As 'the populars' as they became known also turned out to be the less pleasant ones, this advice proved sound - it is hard when you are trying hard to fit in, but maybe find someone else to 'not fit in' with would be a better way of looking at it.

[PROBSNAIVE]

Thanks so much everyone, your comments are much appreciated. I was dreading this morning but dd woke up and seemed fine about the day ahead. Maybe talking about it had helped? I have said the same thing, try and find some children who are in a similar position to talk to. She says it's not that anyone is being horrible to her, but they just seem to like someone else more (her words).
She had a 'best friend' at primary so I think she misses this and finds it more difficult to be in a larger groups of friends. But it's not that she lacks confidence, she has joined the drama club, debating club and Maths club. She is also doing really well academically, getting a head teacher' award in maths.
I wonder if being academic is what makes some girls not want to be friends with her? She doesn't attend a grammar school.
Hopefully things will improve with time. We have a parent welcome evening at school on Thursday so will have a quiet word with her form teacher then. Thanks again for all your support and advice. Being a parent is so not easy!

[KS10]

Good luck and let us know how things progress.

[KB]

Having one 'best friend' can have pros and cons! DD was also the brainy one at a less selective school and was sometimes a bit of an outsider but they all knew where to go when they needed help with school work
She never had one 'best' friend but had a good group of friends throughout secondary school - made gradually through sports and music - and looks back on that time fondly now.

[UmSusu]

If your DD is year 7 then maybe, as distressing as it is, it is still early days to worry? It always feels like everyone else has paired up and made friends but I doubt it is the case with everyone.

Maybe the fact that she is involved with different activities means she might take a bit longer? My DS is involved in a lot of extra-curricular stuff and was always talking about certain boys and the friends he had made, so I was surprised when I asked him who he usually went to lunch with and he said by himself. He just gets his lunch and sits near any familiar face he finds a seat next to - sometimes friends, other times not because he has his own activities to get to and he says a lot of the boys are doing the same.

I do find it odd that he has a whole morning of classes with his friends and that as soon as the bell for lunch rings they go off to get their lunch / lockers as soon as they can without waiting for each other Maybe that's just a boy thing? He is enjoying school generally though and I am starting to hear a couple of the same names from his activities over again.

Anyway, what I am trying to say is that if it is not stressing her too much, then maybe let her get it off her chest by talking to you but reassure her that it is quite normal. I talk to anyone that listens in a social setting but I must admit I take a long time until I actually make friendships with people - I like to tell myself I am discerning but I think it is really that my life is busy enough and I only want friends that I can see myself with in the long run.

I hope things look up soon for your DD. Try not to worry just yet.

[ginx]

And we all know that best friends are not always a good thing ... my daughter has changed best friends three times in five weeks, in year 7, and I just hope she hasn't upset those girls she has "left" for another friend. Talk about fickle.

Your dd sounds as if she's doing really well, and I would have thought drama, at least, would be quite a sociable club? I don't know about debating and Maths. She's obviously quite clever.

I hope your dd is ok. You're right, being a parent is so not easy.

[scarlett]

Probsnaive...hope your dd has a better week. I think I would tell her that friendship groups will be constantly changing and the best plan would be trying to stay generally friendly with everyone and she will probably find a place to slot in. Plus, will also notice anyone else on the periphery. My ds2 found lunchtimes hard to begin with. He would line up and then notice he didn't know anyone at the tables and couldn't bring himself to plonk himself down. He was just existing on a bottle of water and then by the time he found his pack lunch friends, they had started a game of rugby and he was a bit excluded. I did ring up the school and they were really concerned and said to leave it a couple if days and then to let them know how things were and they would sort out a plan. Things settled by then and I'm sure they will for your dd. Can she invite anyone round?

[PROBSNAIVE]

Thanks for the useful advice everyone. She has come back from school saying today was a little better. She joined a couple of other girls at break but couldn't understand why "they just walked around"! I explained that that is probably what most girls do! At lunch she asked to join a couple of different girls and had a better time because they went to the library! She said she will try to speak to some other girls tomorrow.
I think generally she is a little too grown up for her classmates and so sometimes doesn't understand why they find certain things fun. She has impressed me so much since she started school, she sets her own alarm and gets up at 6.30, packs her bag and lunch and out the door by 7.45 to get the bus.
The packed lunch/school dinnners also seems to be an issue as the girls she talks to go in for dinner while she has packed lunch. Fingers crossed for a good week.

[DC17C]

Thanks for the useful advice everyone. She has come back from school saying today was a little better. She joined a couple of other girls at break but couldn't understand why "they just walked around"! I explained that that is probably what most girls do! At lunch she asked to join a couple of different girls and had a better time because they went to the library! She said she will try to speak to some other girls tomorrow.
I think generally she is a little too grown up for her classmates and so sometimes doesn't understand why they find certain things fun. She has impressed me so much since she started school, she sets her own alarm and gets up at 6.30, packs her bag and lunch and out the door by 7.45 to get the bus.
The packed lunch/school dinnners also seems to be an issue as the girls she talks to go in for dinner while she has packed lunch. Fingers crossed for a good week.

My dd was having a few issues at the start of Yr 7 with girls in her year. She has found more friends higher up the school and that really started by DD going to the library and volunteering for library duty - she helps out in the library logging books in and out and shelving returns. She gets to help chose the new books for the library so it is perfect for DD and is saving me a fortune in books...lol. Your dd sounds a lot like my DD - quite grown up for the age. She ignores all the comments about her skirt being too long as it is regulation length and she does not care. It took her a while to find her way but has found a few firm friends in her year who have grown to like her quirkiness

[PROBSNAIVE]

More sympathies - and maybe check out some of the advice on the Pastoral Care section.

Thank you for that Amber, I don't know how I missed some of those threads. They need to include some of that advice in the secondary transfer pack!

I have suggested helping out in the library and DD seems very interested. She has said that she will find out the details tomorrow.