11 Plus Exams Forum

Now I've set off I'll never stop!
As seen in my other post, my DD is registered to sit entrance exams etc in Jan. However, unlike everyone else's children on here it seems, her and work don't even have a passing acquiantance with each other. Her school sets no home-work and as her form teacher told me at parent's evening, she does a min to get by un-noticed. Same teacher pointed out that she is desperate to be the same as other girls in class. However as oldest in school and as half girls are actually in year below, it isn't a level to be aimed for. Her self-esteem is low and if she does do a piece of work she'll always knock it and praise some-one else's.Teacher thought she was avoiding being academic(ie putting any effort in) as wanting to fit in.She doesn't even attempt to compete with the boys, considers herself useless at maths (went to Kumon for 2 years- hated it) yet is actually best in class now.
So, how in this short time-frame do I get her to do extra work (never done any VR/NVR/multi-choice before) and believe in herself?

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(Ed's Mum)

Dear Hector, How very frustrating it is to have this anti academic culture in schools. On my dd's table the other children have a double sided rubber ""Is xxxxx an egghead? Yes/No"" Why is it ok to be good at sport and dance and music and not english and maths? Your dd has got to really badly want to get into the school so she can have a peer group who like the same things as her. My dd leads quite a lonely life at school because she is not interested in the peer group things. Let her know that it is ok to pretend at school to fit in but as home she should let her true self come out. Does she want to go to the school?

Daogroupie, yes the school she has visited, she really really liked, but as she is aware that it is very selective, over-subscribed and expensive (ie she can't go if we don't get help), she seems to be focusing on all the positives of the alternative catchment school. Obviously, we can say nothing to knock it as high probablity that it is where she'll end up!
This means any discussion re extra work towards the exams leads to "I'll never learn it all in time, so why bother?" ( trying to pretend it doesn't matter to her).A situation excebrated by the fact that I work evenings and week-ends so not around to help. Hence she has to take responsibility for it herself, whilst sibling plays around with the baby-sitter/dad having fun. Only going to be worse over Xmas hols, oh my.

Hi,

Would you consider having her tutored in a group? She would then be in the company of children motivated to do well.

Good luck!

Hi!
One trick to try is to say that even if you don't learn it on time for the test in jan it will help you no matter which school you go to as most will not be getting ready for the secondary school byt you will. get dad to help too if he is at home. After alll its not only your responsibility.

i think other children at school can really effect a childs attitude to learning and socialising. I would praise individuality and say how as she is one of the oldest in the class she should be working hard, she needs to set the younger ones an example. It is very difficult but i agree with the group tutor group idea if you can afford it. She will then see others working hard and well and being praised for it.

At my dd's school the children others may call "swots" passed their 11 plus but also a couple of more "popular" kids did and suddenly in her class its "cool" to be on the top table etc, its had a positive effect on the whole class, which is great. Maybe you dd can be a good influence on her peers.

I would give up work until she gets through this stage, if you only work evenings and weekends then surely the income won't be that missed ?
We had a babysitter for 12 months when DD was year 3 and I totally under estimated the impact it had on her motivation and work ethic.

don't knock evening and weekend work it can be crucial !! It's our major income ....

re the work ethic, suppose it is partly example... "mummy has to go to work this evening even though she would rather be at home and sometimes it is worth working hard at things so you get the benefits later".

Good luck!

Thanks HM, I was beginning to feel that the whole work issue was my problem,but perhaps I do need to ask her to take some responsibility?
After all I do work 18 hours a week and its not just for pin money but for real needs, one of which is, it enables me to be at home in the day for my younger child -no baby-sitter/nanny there.
Although I'd like to be at home with her too, she does have her dad (except for 3.5 hours per week) so not exactly uncared-for parental wise. It's just he's not so good on the homework front and tends to leave that sort of thing to me. But great at other things that I'm not so good at:- tidying-up; bath-times; playing footie in the park ; watching Laurel and Hardy etc.
Though I do take your point re motivation 3pink and indeed it is one of the reasons I work the hours I do, so that I could be there for my children. After all I am able to go to school fuctions in school hours and help out in class and other school projects. I hope this will have shown DD how important I value her education.

Don't feel guilty at all about the work - DD went through the 11 plus with me doing far more than my strangely scheduled 19 hours a week (anything but daytime). We were pretty hands off anyway and left her to it as far as the work was concerned. Sounds like your DH is great at all the other bits and sometimes destraction is what is needed!!

Both kids are well aware that we have spent plenty of time working for exams (in my case until I was 45..) and I am afraid it is just part of life and a means to an end if they really want certificates with nice squiggly signatures all over them on the wall..

I remember a friends DH going to her DDs (independent prep) school parents evening and was told "of course X would do much better if her mother wasn't so busy studyng for exams"... ahem, mother was a rather good example I think....