Words of Encouragement - Which ones?

[Amber]

I went through this last year, and watching DS's reaction when he 'passed' but didn't pass well enough for the school he wanted was one of the hardest things I have ever had to see. He was so upset, distraught, although we had gone into it at the 11th hour really and were totally unprepared. I suppose we expected him to pass as he is very able, but were naive: we were totally shocked with the result. A year on, and he now says he was upset not because he had especially wanted to go to the school (in fact now he says he wouldn't want it because it was single sex), but because he felt a failure. A year on too, and we can see many positives in what happened, and are genuinely very happy with the school he is going to.

What I would say if I was going through it again, is that that exam measures just a tiny little bit of what you are as a person, and the rest is so very much more important. I would explain that some people have put their full effort into preparing their children for years, but that for you it is not so important that you would do that; nonetheless that is the competition, so if your DC 'fails' it is as much because of what the others did as what she did. I would also explain that a VR score is something very specific, not much use for the rest of your life (adults don't generally discuss their IQs with others, let alone VR scores- possibly not high on the list of ways to make friends).

In short, I would say that she is of course capable of passing, but that there are lots of brilliant people who didn't or couldn't; that it is great to try but fine not to succeed, and that she is a fantastic person in so many ways that this is just one little tiny aspect of what she could be. Take her out to celebrate trying,let her know that you love her unconditionally whatever the outcome, even if she gets in there and doesn't answer a single question right. It's a good lesson for life, if nothing else.

[frustrated]

If she has had preparation, perhaps you could discuss how she has progressed so far to help put into perspective that she is already familiar with the types of quesitons that she may face, and has demonstrated that she is able to cope with them.

I would also suggest talking to her about her own feelings from her own perspective. Being able to discuss it in advance of the big day should help her to get things of her chest if she has any worries and hopefully lighten the load emotionally. I found this helpful when my son was due to do his test, and it really did help. We did discuss the possible outcomes and other schools that are available in the area too in case he didn't pass, (only because he was so laid back though) but then it may be different for you, this may not be something that you wish to discuss with your daughter at this time.

It is such a stressful and emotional time and I can relate well to your concerns. The most important aspect of all of this is that she is going to have a go at it. So many parents and children don't bother trying because they are sure that they will fail - they don't sit it and then they never know whether they would have passed or failed for sure.

You have done everything that you can to prepare her, and that is all that you can do right now. You and your daughter have done your best, so congratulate yourselves that you have given it your best shot whatever the outcome.

Good luck

[tiredmum]

You have done everything that you can to prepare her, and that is all that you can do right now. You and your daughter have done your best, so congratulate yourselves that you have given it your best shot whatever the outcome.

I think this is important, for you both to know this and talk about it. My dd wanted to try the 11 plus even though she knew that lots of extra work would be involved. When we had done all we could - individually for her - we did talk about the fact we had given it our best shot - no matter what. And i told her i was proud of how maturely she had sat and done the work and that it would not only help her in the 11 plus but how the extra work had increased her general school levels and this would serve her well no matter what school she was going to attend

[cairo]

This is a really tricky one, isn't it?

When DS1 sat the test I deliberately didn't use the words "pass" or "fail" - explaining that the test was just to help us decide which sort of school would suit him best. However, if you have a competitive child (and I guess most of them are) they will interpret it as passing or failing, no matter what you say. The last few weeks at my son's school (just a normal state primary) were awful. All the children whipped into a state of frenzy by manic discussion in the playground.

I like the idea of stressing that this test only measures ability in one tiny area. It doesn't measure creativity, artistic ability, wit, the ability to make friends etc, all of which contribute to the child's overall strengths. I will remember that when the time comes for DS2.

As you're in Gloucestershire, I would just say it is worth telling your DD that often the second test comes as a bit of a shock to those that sit it. I don't know exactly how it is different from the first one, but often the children say it is MUCH harder than things they've seen before. In preparation for this, I told my DS1 the true story that when I was at university I sat a paper which was based on the previous year's syllabus!! When we turned it over, all of us sat there in stunned silence for a bit. Lots of people broke down in tears. Several just got up and walked out. I put my head down and did my best, even though I was literally having to make stuff up as I'd never read about some of the issues. Those that walked out did not get a degree (no chance of a re-take at that university). Surprisingly, I got a First in that paper. So even if you think you're screwing up, keep going. You don't have to get everything right, you just have to do better than others.

[sherry_d]

The last few weeks at my son's school (just a normal state primary) were awful. All the children whipped into a state of frenzy by manic discussion in the playground.

You're describing my daughter's school at the moment. Its very low key now in our house with a week to go till exam day. On Friday she said her friends at school are very worried because 11+ is a very hard exam and nothing like they have ever seen and it is very important. So thats one annoying aspect to deal with esp as you get closer to the exam. I wonder what this week will have in store. I hope the frenzy will not go into overdrive with all the practice test in the school this week too. Arggrrrrrrrr

Regarding timing could it be your DC is spending time on the harder questions? I have really hammered home never to spend time on difficult questions. If its multiple choice they should just mark whatever they think and move on and if they have time at the end they can come back. As Cairo says they dont have to get all questions right in a difficult paper. In VR for example they are sections where you can easily get 100%. The last minute preparations has been more on techniques for us.

[cairo]

Yes Sherry, you have my complete sympathy. I really don't know what we can do about that either - children do talk and compare themselves with others. But the level of frenzy at my son's school was unbelievable.

I felt it was important to keep all the normal routines going, so continued with after-school activities etc right up to the day of the test. However, others didn't and on the day before the test it was amazing to see how many children were "sick" and off school that day!

[tiredmum]

At my dd's school last year it was after the test that the children started at each other - there were a couple of boys who acheived the scores thay needed and another who although extremely bright did not. He was taunted by the 2 who did well - so horrid for him. He ended up rolling on the grass in a fight with one of them

[mike1880]

And then there's the sibling angle - ours is terrified of not getting in because she knows her brother will never let her forget it .

[Amber]

At my dd's school last year it was after the test that the children started at each other - there were a couple of boys who acheived the scores thay needed and another who although extremely bright did not. He was taunted by the 2 who did well - so horrid for him. He ended up rolling on the grass in a fight with one of them

Yes, there was a bit of that where we were too, though because so few from the school entered the tests it wasn't too bad. One boy got the score needed for the school my son wanted (though because the boy is almost a year younger we told DS that he probably got the same number of questions right as this lad) and rang up in a most unpleasant manner to gloat and then give my DS a really hard time about being stupid. It made a bad day even badder, especially as I was working and couldn't be here to give the offender a piece of my mind. Probably just as well, thinking about it.

[mitasol]

And then there's the sibling angle

I was talking about this with my middle child at the weekend. Her mark (standardised score) can't be compared with her brothers because the mark is entirely dependent on the group sitting the test. So even if by some chance they sat exactly the same exam the two scores simply can't be compared.

She either understood what I was saying or she was just humouring me!