Enviousness and competitiveness amongst mothers regarding ..

[Daogroupie]

I am so shocked by this, it is absolutely terrible and cries out for very formal action. Have you approached the Board of Governors at all? There should be one governor who is responsible for the anti bullying policy at the School. You need to write to the Chair of Governors with a formal timeline of events and request a meeting with the Chair and the Governor responsible for the policy. Please register a formal complaint against this woman so that she will never get another job in education. Your head and Y6 teacher must be utterly spineless if they let her get away with this behaviour. They ought to be thoroughly ashamed of theselves, they are failing to do their job which is to support and protect their charges. It sounds like Hitler's Germany to me with everyone too afraid to stand up to her. What was it that made her start on your ds? Was it jealousy? When I was younger I was puzzled as to how the German people allowed the persecution of the Jews to happen, but since I have had children in primary school I have seen so many examples of how this type of regime emerges and now I am not surprised at all. The only way to combat it is to ignore the hangers on and go for the jugular. Her power base is those too weak to stand up to her, but you have the legal structure of the management of the school to use. It may be too late for your ds but please save those who will come after you. She has tasted blood and now will not be content until she has another victim. DG

[lurker]

Hi Dao, I have done all that, but chairman is personal friend of head and the other member of staff. I really have given up on it, I think it is just us that this has happened to, I haven't spoken about it to the other parents though.

[Daogroupie]

That is very unfortunate that they are personal friends but they are still required to do their jobs properly. They have to follow up on formal complaints and this all has to be placed on formal record. Running a primary school is not like a private dinner party where you can get away with only dealing with people you like. They are there to do their jobs, not have a cosy group of personal friends. If the Chair fails to follow up on your issues then I woiuld withdraw your ds from the school and forward copies of your letter to the Head of your Council. Parents have much much more power than they realise but it all has to be placed on record and meetings have to be formally requested. You need to create a paper chain which will eventually lead to the Council stepping in. I have actually seen this happen. The lost list that suddenly reappears is a really important event to be logged. That was a very silly thing for her to do as this will now have to be explained away if you log it. If you dont use your evidence then someone else will have to go through this but eventually she will pick the wrong victim and it will all fall apart like a House of Cards. I have seen this Wheel of Fortune revolve several times. It is very sad though that you have had to go through all this alone. Is there nobody else you can talk to? DG

[lurker]

I did call the LEA but they were not very interested and sent me back to governors. We have withdrawn our daughter and my son is in his last term of school, so we are going to try and see it out. It's so hard to explain without it sounding as if it's all petty/paranoia .

[jingle]

I have just written a very long reply, and then it disappeared!
Will try again.
DAO is right. You will have to go through formal channels for this now. Put your concerns in writing, and request an urgent response. I had to resort to this regarding a long standing situation with my dd which had been 'swept under the carpet' by the school. They were denying the problems initially, then blaming them on her 'odd' personality etc
I removed her from the school at the same time, citing my deep concern for her mental health and well being while the problems were not being addressed. In the letter I told them I had also informed the LA of my actions and reasons why I believed them necessary.

Funnily enough, the school suddenly decided that they were going to be much more supportive, attentive and interested in her welfare. Unfortunately I had left it way too late for my child to have any way forward there. She was already very sad,withdrawn and crushed with zero self esteem. Moving schools turned out to be a hugely positive turning point for her. (She cried with relief when I told her she would not have to go back)

My point is that you cannot, and must not give up on this situation. Your sons welfare is paramount, whether he remains at the school or goes elsewhere. You need to take action in some shape or form to change things for him.
Don't be like me, left with a huge sense of guilt for leaving my dd in a horrible, lonely and helpless situation for way too long while I dilly dallied about not 'rocking the boat'

Sorry this is long, and possibly a bit emotional. I really hope you can find the way for you and your ds to move forward into happier times.

J

[lurker]

No, your replies are very much appreciated and I do take on board what everyone has said. That is a situation similar to my daughter- she was branded 'odd' and her unhappiness was because of her own making.

She is totally transformed now, very happy, confident and allows to be herself.
I now know that it was the school and not her.
My son is quite stoical now about the isolation business by this mother and we have explained to him that she is a bully and that none of this is his fault.

It sounds so pathetic but I really don't have the fight in me anymore and I have been escalating this for over a year.

[um]

Lurker, I am becoming secretly convinced that your son has been at the same school that mine had the misfortune to be at a few years ago !
If not, then I am so sad that there seem to be a number of these useless institutions .
Like your case, the blame was placed squarely on my son and us...all sorts of weird excuses and accusations being thrown around.
I think I was so fortunate to get him out of there just before all his love of knowledge had finally been eliminated...he went to another Primary, with an amazing teacher who I am indebted to for supporting him and giving him his confidence back. People thought I was mad moving him, as I did, literally weeks before his 11 plus, but it was worth it.
As for Chairs and Heads being best buddies...I've heard that all before the LEA officers you've phoned probably go to the same pub too...

[lurker]

You can pm me with the initials um if you like and I will let you know if they are the same!

[mystery]

Those are all very sad circumstances you are describing where a parent of another child can so affect the social life and happiness of another child. It is one that we live through on and off; may you soon be out of it. It is very hard at small one form entry (or half-form entry mixed age class) schools when this happens.

On a separate issue I am possible also coming across the problem of heads and governors being too "close". Quite often there is a further avenue - whether it be the LA, a diocesan body, or the local govmt ombudsman (they have a new remit including school complaints now). Whether in practice this helps or not I do not know.

But sometimes I feel that even if you use all of these channels and it fails it's best to have tried - at least you have done your best to bring things into the open and seek some kind of changes which might improve the social life or education of another child at that school in the future. Also, official complaints sit on file, and even if yours is "dismissed" at some point in the future someone of a more independent mind might put two and two together and do something. Also, sometimes complaints are "dismissed" officially, no fault admitted etc, but behind the scenes improvements are made as the protagonists know that you know they have done something wrong, and they tread more carefully in the future.

Good luck. It's sad, and sadder still that these kind of things do seem to happen so often.

Never assume that social failure or lack of academic success is down to some unchangeable feature of your child - things can be so different in other circumstances.

[vasu]

I am simply horrified by your predicament. Lurker. My ds had a brief stint with a bully a few years back in the his new school. The school just stood by, watching silently as if waching a dog fight! It made me so mad at the time, I just wanted to headbutt the bully's mother! Situation improved after my Ds, after days of silent suffering took the matter in his own hand! Of course My ds got detention for that but he never apologised to the bully(proud of him ). This is when he was 7 years old!
No child should go through this. Childhood trauma is scarring. I am so relieved to hear your daughter is doing well. Don't back down from a fight especially if you are not wrong.