11 Plus Exams Forum

Hi, DD taking exam in September for a Trafford school though have now found out some of my personal friends children are also taking exam too so in reality shall be up against each other. I just wanted to ask experienced folk if relationships/friendships alter when in this situation. Maybe one child gets in and the friends child doesn't, maybe way off the mark but could kind of imagine things getting tricky. Do adult friendships suffer I guess I am trying to ask.

Thanks

This is a subject no doubt many will encounter but not many will discuss.

I am in the same position with a few of my friends. I know many children being tutored but sectretively.

I haven't hidden the fact that we are trying for a couple of grammars - but my dd comes home from school saying so and so was asking which school she was applying for and where did she go for extra lessons. It all gets very competative but I guess that is the same everywhere.

It does feel a bit tricky when discussions start on which school to apply for as we are in Year 5 and these discussions have been occuring since year 4! as no one wants to really say what they are doing. Personally we are all trying to do the best for our own children and everyone is on a level playing field.

Just hope that once this process is over things can get back to some sort of normality and the grown ups don't harbour ill feelings - Yes I'd like to be optomistic!!

yummycool wrote:This is a subject no doubt many will encounter but not many will discuss.

I am in the same position with a few of my friends. I know many children being tutored but sectretively.

I haven't hidden the fact that we are trying for a couple of grammars - but my dd comes home from school saying so and so was asking which school she was applying for and where did she go for extra lessons. It all gets very competative but I guess that is the same everywhere.

It does feel a bit tricky when discussions start on which school to apply for as we are in Year 5 and these discussions have been occuring since year 4! as no one wants to really say what they are doing. Personally we are all trying to do the best for our own children and everyone is on a level playing field.

Just hope that once this process is over things can get back to some sort of normality and the grown ups don't harbour ill feelings - Yes I'd like to be optomistic!!

Thanks yummycool, I hear ya! It's like a secret which schools are being applied for etc and with me being very open, am happy to discuss our plans but definitely there is a competitive air to it all. One or two of our friends children are prep kids and am already thinking they may well be ahead of the game already, what with my DD in her little primary with not much support for the grammar system. Then I feel bad for thinking that as I genuinely want their child to get, but not over mine of course

I think its possibly more of a problem when the results become known. Its difficult to jump for joy when your best friends DC is not successful and in tears and yours is successful. This then continues and it can be difficult to discuss secondary education - I don't like to discuss it too much really and don't say how well they are doing at school.

My ds and my best friend's dd both applied for grammars last autumn - same town, different schools. My son got in, her daughter didn't. I hadn't really considered that situation, had honestly thought that either both would be successful or both not, as overall they're at a similar level, but her dd did uncharacteristically badly on one paper. It was upsetting at the time, and a little awkward the first time we saw each other, but she has been nothing but positive and encouraging about my son's new school, and I have hopefully been as good a friend in discussing her dd's future plans.

So basically, some people might be funny about it, but if they are proper friends then I'm sure you will come through the experience fine

Hi all, I have my fingers crossed for all who put the effort in and attempt this process!! As adults, hopefully we can be happy/supportive for each other no matter the outcome.

It is a time when friendships are tested, but as we all know, true friends are those that see you through thick or thin.

I agree that it's more tricky around results day.

I think parents have quite a responsibility here. When DS1 just missed the mark for the school we wanted (and he is at now, happily), a 'friend' called to gloat that he had passed. DS1 was in bits by the end of the call...friend had said things like 'I thought you were cleverer than me but you're not'. I was so angry I called the mother...she said it hadn't occurred to them that DS would not have covered himself in glory but that she hadn't heard the call. She did make her son call and apologise which was big of her and him and all is well now.
I made sure DS2 did not mention his luck/success at school until asked, and then in a low key kind of way, not only because we had been on the receiving end, but just because it seems the decent thing to do. Because as a family we have always stressed that we believe the system to be unfair and a lot to do with luck on the day, I don't think ours have ever veered towards arrogance, but I would be mighty cross if I discovered that they had.

I found text quite useful on the day...sending a fairly neutral text like 'looks like the results are out, hope x got on OK' seemed easier than a direct 'guess what? He passed!', but that's not really my style anyway.

Oh, it's horrid, all of it. The fact that you are sensitive to the issue, countrymum, almost certainly means you're not going to upset anyone, nor allow your own DD to be trampled by it. Good luck.

Is is just so awkward. I had friends saying with DS2, that they had done really well on their mock tests and had got 95% right. Another friend spent hours over the Summer holiday doing work. Another child had two tutors ..... it was really not enjoyable. Results day is far, far worse ....

With DS1, I was a little naive and could not believe that some of my so called friends couldn't mention a word about the 11+, let alone congratulations to my DS! He then suffered some name calling and general unpleasantness during the last term of Primary. It certainly allowed me to see who my real friends were and who was going to be no more than an acquaintance....

With DS2, my closest friend at primary school son's did not pass and it has not affected our friendship at all. DS2 has had no unkind words said to him from anyone in his class. Several children sat the 11+ and he was the only one to pass. In fact, everyone has congratulated both of us in the last few months, apart from one mum. I did post on here about it as she made quite a thing about saying to me that she was glad her son did not just scrape through. After the second time of saying this to me, I did respond with a reply and kindly informd her that there was no such thing as just scraping through. It would only be the difference of maybe one or two marks of being offered a place or not. The mum has not mentioned this to me since and is fine.

It just goes to show, that it all depends on the parents attitude but I would advise that you should be prepared with results day and like Amber says, make sure you and your child are careful when asking others about allocated schools.

I would definitely agree that it can become an awkward situation if parents don't tread with some care and tact - especially if one child passes and not the other. We all believe that our child would benefit immensely from a place and has worked hard enough to deserve it , so any feelings of jealousy or even slight bitterness when faced with unwelcome news is understandable. It all happens so quickly too - before the parent has even come to terms with anything, they need to bear other people's news too or answer questions. I think some people just don't have the social skills to negotiate the situation: parents with good news might be insensitive when they go on about how they just can't believe it how great it is and disappointed parents might make a snide remark without realising its impact. Very few people actually intend to be mean.

Also, parents of the same school don't actually need to ask each other in the playground as they will find out from the children anyway when they get home. I remember a rush of parents asking me what DS got as I walked into the playground after school even though I wanted to be low key about it. Luckily, I had good news but I remember being very weary that there might be someone who had bad news in earshot and thinking that if DS had not got in I / we would have found it quite devastating to keep telling everyone - playground discussion on results day should be a big No No.

I had a deal with my group of friends last year: once we get our results we will send a simple no-frills text to let each other know, but say no more. After that, it would be up to anyone whose child did not get in to make contact when they are ready. That way everyone knew what the deal was and it worked well. I also told DS to be very low key at school because there would be several of his friends who did not a place and he should not contribute to any disappointment they might be feeling.

It is not easy, but some common sense goes a long way!

UmSusu

I fully agree with the last three posts. Amber put it well... It is so awful to gloat and something I have actively discouraged with my two from birth. Humble winners and gracious losers. And yes it is very much down to luck on the day.
As Aliportico said "if they're proper friends..."
That said results day is not pleasant and quite awkward, but all the fuss soon dies down.