Worried about son not fitting in

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Minesatea
Posts: 1234
Joined: Sat Oct 31, 2009 12:08 am

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Minesatea »

Totally agree with everything said. Do claim the free school meals - he doesn't actually have to eat them but the school does benefit.

I also do most parents evenings and school concerts on my own because the practicalities of two sets of shifts and a need for younger sibling childcare means its rare for OH and I to be available together. You definitely won't be the only parent on their own.
Amber
Posts: 8058
Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:59 am

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Amber »

Maybe I can help you to look at this differently- my children now feel a bit unusual in having parents who are still together. Really. DD says there are only 2 others in her rather large friendship group who still live with both parents. I honestly, genuinely do not think children care one tiny bit about the domestic lives of each other's families, and if other adults judge you on such shallow criteria then I think that is their problem and not yours.

As for the issue of affording stuff - it's a pretty good lesson in what really matters and what doesn't, is it not? If others decide whom they want to befriend on the basis of what they are wearing or what kind of 'phone they have, then they are best avoided. It's maybe a hard lesson when you're 11; but it has to be learned at some point and I am sure your DC will find plenty of others with a lot more to them than that.

Like minesatea, we rarely go to parents' evenings etc together - we have too much to juggle and I think it can be overkill if you look too keen. It can stress the child and take away their own responsibility for the occasion too if both parents are hanging onto every word the teacher says. My lot really don't like the whole family turning out for concerts as it looks 'pushy' (their take on it) - for example DD is in a concert this week and I am going with DS2 - she really didn't want us all there.

Relax and stop worrying. I'm sure it will be just fine.
scary mum
Posts: 8841
Joined: Mon Mar 15, 2010 3:45 pm

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by scary mum »

I think children (mostly) accept other children for who they are, and those that do not are proboably not ones your DS would want to be friends with anyway. As Amber said, we rarely attend parents' evenings together for logistical reasons, so there is nothing unusual in that. One of my DCs attended an indie for a while where there were ponies, pools etc and is now at a GS where we may be (but I really don't know) be at the more affluent end of the scale. She is not interested in these things, but in how people behave towards her, not in whether people have the latest phone etc. Yes, it goes on, they all like to have the latest gadgets, but mine don't (mostly because the thought of a teenager carrying around a £500 phone horrifies me) and I'm sure no-one looks down on them for it.

Good luck to your son.
scary mum
Beckii330
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue May 29, 2012 9:16 pm

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Beckii330 »

Thanks to everyone who replied, I feel much better about it now. People aren't even going to know really, I'm being a bit daft!

:D
Bluebug
Posts: 6
Joined: Sat Mar 02, 2013 6:20 pm

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Bluebug »

Becki

All the very best to you and your DS. He's obviously worked hard and has earned his place, so no one has the right to treat him less favourably.

I'm sure he'll do well and will meet and make good friends.

All the very best.
Hopeful2002
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:32 am

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Hopeful2002 »

Hi,

Just wanted to add my support!

I grew up on a council estate and travelled across town to a super selective for school. There *were* a disproportionate number of wealthy kids. But I was more interested in the fact that everybody at my new school could read! I developed a wonderful group of friends, many of whom were very, very wealthy, and a number of whom came from a similar background to mine, and it really didn't matter. I did, for a while, feel a bit funny inviting my friends home - and had one friend ask innocently what an "estate" was - but we rubbed along nicely in the main.

I became a single mum quite young and scraped together the money to put my daughter into an indie. We are without doubt the poorest family there; I've really had to scrimp and scrape to pay the fees - but friends happily come and visit and the parents are nice (some are judgemental, but I think that's the case everywhere - and with DD the only one from her class to ace the 11+, the more judgemental have become suddenly very conversational!). I'm a single mum, too, and it works out okay. You may well get the occasional issue from it, but no more than in any other school - at my daughter's last school, which was a state school, people were equally judgemental, if not more so.

So, I totally understand your fears and I'm sure they're very natural - but I promise it will be fine. More important than economic and family background at a selective school (in terms of fitting in) are parental support and engagement (whether from one or both parents) and a bright child happy to be challenged. And it sound like you have those things in spades :) Best of luck! ***
Beckii330
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue May 29, 2012 9:16 pm

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Beckii330 »

Your post has really helped Hopeful2002! I know I am a great mother but people do judge you the minute you mention it, never thinking to stop to ask why!

My parents did without, sometimes not eating, to send my brother and I to a private school. Now I'm older I understand just how much of a sacrifice they made for us and I hope to do the same for my children. I just want to encourage them to aim high and do the best that they can, in spite of our limited finances and poor (according to some people) social standing. Part of me also wants to stick two fingers up at my ex and say, look at what your children achieved, in spite of what you did!

Am pretty excited for him now :D
doodles
Posts: 8300
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 9:19 pm

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by doodles »

Beckii330 wrote:Am pretty excited for him now :D
Hold on to that thought! You and he will be fine - for parents secondary school is a very anonymous place compared to primary.
Gringo64
Posts: 85
Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:00 am

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Gringo64 »

Beckii330,

Congratulations to you and your son. The vast majority of people will be full of admiration for you both.
Hopeful2002
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon Oct 15, 2012 12:32 am

Re: Worried about son not fitting in

Post by Hopeful2002 »

I should also add, Beckii330, that at my school, there were 2 other people that lived in council or ex-council houses, and another whose step dad busked in our local high street for extra cash, in my class alone. So, my point is, although these schools may well have an over representation of people from a more affluent background, there will be others from a similar background to you - and you will find it as difficult to spot them when you go to the parents' welcome evening as they will find it to spot you! Everybody will be as focused on their own excitement, fears and nerves about their (not so) little ones move to big school as you will. Your fears probably won't completely settle until you see your son settled and happy with your own eyes, but that, I suppose, is what being a mum is all about!

Congratulations again :) And best of luck to you and your family! x
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