damage limitation

[mystery]

I agree with amber that the whole process is flawed, and gets closer to a lottery the more superselective the school is.

I think that kids might start to feel even worse than before about the 11plus if we are not canny enough as parents. There is too much everywhere now about the "new" c e m tests being tutor proof, preparation proof etc etc, suggesting that they are a better test of "ability", whatever that is, than the g l assessment tests a lot of schools have used to date.

If you read the c e m website carefully you will see that c e m themselves are making no such claims (quite rightly really as I guess they could be sued to high heaven by their competitors if they made such claims). But while a lot of parents, teachers, politicians, journalists etc spout their half baked illogical views about tests and what a grammar school child is like, children will of course latch on at some point in time to the "meaning" that "failing" a selective entry test has for a huge proportion of the population. It is quite an uphill struggle as a parent to get the message through to children that tests are not half as meaningful as teachers etc lead them to think. I was explaining to my year 4 dd about the appeal system the other day. She was horrified "but they had their chance on the day". In a way I agree with her that the appeals system is wrong, but for different reasons. It just seems to be another different sort of lottery for people who did not win the lottery to compete in.

I think we should be making it very clear that we all change a lot (fortunately) from age 10 to the age at which you are working or doing further study. Over that timespan all sorts can happen. I do get amazed when people announce whether their child is "academic" or not. I am not even sure what it means.

[overanxious]

Hi - I like your list! I have one who passed the 11+ and one who failed. It's been really important for me to keep pointing out that there is no difference between them academically and I expect them both to do really well. One messed up the test, one didn't, that's all. I was always the "academic" one in our family (though no 11+ where we lived in Cheshire) and it was insulting to my sibling, and stress-inducing for me. So I would say, don't tell them that it doesn't matter, because they're 'musical' or 'popular' or 'much more practical'. Tell them it doesn't matter because it's them, not the school, that makes the difference, the opportunities and the success.

[talea51]

I like your list a lot!

I have always made it clear to my dd that te 11+ is a snapshot of what she can do on the day. It's not a reflection of her intelligence, it's not a reflection of her as a person at all. It's 3 hours on one day and anything can happen.

Fortunately we are in a position where her alternative comprehensive school is a great school, it's close to our house, all the neighbourhood kids go there and she liked it. She liked it a lot when she went to see it so, for her, not getting into a grammar school will be disappointing but it will not crush her. We've discussed how she will feel if she doesn't get in and she said she'd be disappointed. Of course she should be disappointed but she will pick herself up and she will not let it define her!

Like others I feel that the system is unfair, it is a lottery and every year there are hundreds of very able children who do not get in. My dd knows this, she knows several able children who have not gotten places or who were eventually offered places but declined because they'd decided to stick with their allocated school.

[Middlesexmum]

I agree with much of what has been written on here, the hard bit is really believing it and putting it into place.

Also, your own experience affects how you approach the exams with your own child.

For me, the recent exams and now the wait till results in October are an emotional rollercoaster because of my own experience 31 years ago. I had set my heart on a particular school, got through the exam and flunked the interview = no place. The pain of that disappointment has stayed with me all these years later. I know I'm over-reacting but I can't help how I feel.

My own dd is in a much better position that I was, much better prepared and knows what to expect. I am trying my best to give her the best chance but also remind her that it isn't the be all and end all. But just knowing how much I wanted that place makes it very difficult.

I am dreading picking up the pieces with dd if it doesn't go to plan.

[Cranleigh]

MiddlesexMum I know exactly how you feel. your own experience can certainly skew your judgement & feelings however much you try not to let it. Good luck. Great poem up thread too - thank you. Will print off & put above desk.