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 Post subject: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 10:11 pm 
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Joined: Fri Oct 24, 2014 7:20 pm
Posts: 124
Has anyone experienced the following with respect to their DC:

My DD has a classmate at school with whom she has been very close for a number of years. From the beginning, DD looked up to her classmate (who is more outgoing and confident), including regarding her friend's intelligence/ability.

DD's friend has secured a Year 7 place at a respected school but, unexpectedly, struggled a bit (not making it to the second/interview round at several schools, including those where DD also applied).

After the results came out, DD’s friend suddenly started speaking negatively about a couple of the schools at which DD was offered a place. DD wasn’t too bothered by this but recently, this friend started to distance herself (until then, they were largely inseparable), to the extent that she didn’t even say goodbye to DD today (which was not only the last day of the term but DD's last day at the school).

It is certainly possible that DD seriously offended her friend and, as a result, harmed the friendship. But could it also be due to the 11+ experience (DD’s friend facing more setbacks than DD)?

Two further contextual factors might be relevant: 1) DD’s friend was under immense pressure from her parents and, at least by their standards, did not meet their expectations (even though the school DD's friend will be attending is respected by nearly everyone else) and 2) DD’s friend’s image at school as the smartest/brightest has been somewhat dented as a result of the 11+.

DD is genuinely puzzled (and probably quite hurt, although she says she is okay) that her close friend has distanced herself to such an extent and so suddenly.

Any thoughts or insights (particularly how we parents can help DD through this) would be greatly appreciated.


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Fri Mar 27, 2015 11:09 pm 
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Joined: Thu Mar 04, 2010 2:51 pm
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It sounds to me as if this other little girl is also hurting. If she was as you described the more dominant in the relationship and seen as the brightest it would have hurt and upset her to see your dd excel. Also if there is parental pressure she may feel a failure even though she has secured a place at a good school but it is not THE school. She will also be upset that your dd is leaving her to go on to what she supposes is a better place and not know how to manage her disappointment and anger. It may feel safer to deceive herself and pretend the relationship was never that important.

These are difficult times for children who are on the cusp of adolescence and just beginning to grow up. It is hard to know what to do with the complexity of emotions they feel, especially if they aren't helped.

Do you have any relationship with the friends parents? Can you talk to them and see if it is possible to gently try and mend things out of school by supporting them to meet up. It may feel less pressurised then. I would talk to your daughter and help her to understand that everyone reacts differently in these situations and her friend is really struggling to manage the loss of her role in their friendship, her status as the brightest and the loss of her as a friend. Point out to her that sometimes it feels easier to be angry than admit upset. However also get her to enjoy her success and move on and form relationships where she is in a stronger position and where there is more of an even balance.


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 7:20 am 
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Joined: Mon Oct 21, 2013 7:59 pm
Posts: 2818
And remember that, in the grand scheme of things, friendship groups change at this point in time, more than they ever have to date as children all have to move on from the relative "comfort" of primary to secondary. Chances are, even if they did both get to the same school, that they would move on in their friendship groups.

As you said, it is possible that your DD has upset this girl in some way but it is more likely that she is not coping with - as she sees it - her failure - and there is nothing quite so ugly as jealousy...remind your DD that this says more about the other girl than her...


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 7:51 am 
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Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 10:00 pm
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Location: RBK
Loss of attention or perceived failure may be cause of such behaviour. And as Kcg mentioned, the friendship groups change tremendously once they move schools. DC is among the five children at our GS from the same primary, 2 from the same form. All have own friends circle. They rarely meet in school as now in different forms, playing different sports and are in different activity groups.

As your DD has now changed the school, may be after some days, she could invite her friend after school for play or some thing to see how things go. Her friend may have settled by then.


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 9:27 am 
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Joined: Fri Oct 24, 2014 7:20 pm
Posts: 124
Thank you, copella, kenyancowgirl and tiffinboys, for your helpful insights.

I agree that DD's friend is hurting inside and we have worried about her since the start of the 11+ process because of the enormous pressure she was under from her parents - not only was she expected to get into the top, top schools but also to win academic and music scholarships. We thought it was extremely unfair that DD's friend (a 10-year old!) was made to feel she needed to meet such lofty expectations.

My wife and I did sense that DD and her friend might grow apart over time (their interests are slowly diverging) but we didn't think it would end so abruptly. In any event, I have told DD that we could organise a playdate with her friend after the Easter break - even if they don't remain friends in the long-run, perhaps it would be a nice way to part company and would enable both to look back fondly at their friendship.

Ultimately, I am sad for DD and her friend because it was not so long ago that they dreamt of attending the same secondary school and continuing as they had been in primary school. But I suppose this is life...


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 12:48 pm 
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Joined: Mon Feb 12, 2007 1:21 pm
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Remember the parents may be stirring it behind the scense by 'rubbishing' the school their daughter didn't get.

In my experience parents are often behind such behaviour ...


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 2:55 pm 
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Posts: 229
I agree that the parents have probably said bad things about the school as a way for making out to their daughter that although she didn't get in, it is no big loss.....as if they never wanted to go there anyway!!

People do get jealous of other peoples achievements and deal with the disappointment in different ways. It must be hard to hang around with someone who is going where you wanted and understandably is excited themselves.

Hopefully this friend will come round as I am sure she will miss your daughter if they have been so close.


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 3:37 pm 
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Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2014 1:47 pm
Posts: 2590
Nothing in life is permanent. We are all passing ships. Its just that some linger for longer than others. Treasure the moments and the memories.

I have been called poetic today so I thought I'd continue in that vein.

_________________
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years.

Abraham Lincoln


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:14 pm 
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Joined: Wed Oct 16, 2013 8:56 pm
Posts: 1047
We hav something similar with DD. DD is off to a GS, majority of her friends are off to the local comp but one friend, due to parents, currently does not have a secondary school. They only want the local comp as that's where big brother goes, but as it doesn't have a sibling rule due it's popularity, she got offered another comp nearer where they live. Parents have refused offered place, leaving her without a place for September.

She has started to push DD away, we suspect she is taking things out on DD, occasionally it is the other girls but DD is getting the brunt of it. We are fairly sure it is due to the fact that she doesn't have the surety of knowing where she is going and she doesn't see a reason to keep maintaining friends with someone she definitely won't be a school with. Us parents can sometimes have a lot to answer for and it could be a comment from us that can upset the balance.

It also happened with DS, especially in the summer term when they are starting to look at their new schools, who they will be with and who they won't see again. Lostinshuffle don't worry too much, look at it as part of moving on with their lives and that it is part of th change. If they want to stay friends they will work it out and be there to support your DD whilst it is all happening and in the next few months, help her to look forward to the amazing changes about to happen.


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 Post subject: Re: Loss of friendship
PostPosted: Sat Mar 28, 2015 5:31 pm 
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Joined: Fri Nov 11, 2011 10:00 pm
Posts: 5418
Location: RBK
Actually so true. DC meet old friends from his primary more than the other children in GS from our primary. They have whatsup group and communicate so regularly, despite being in different schools. If they want to keep in touch, they know what to do.


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