Intrusive tutor - is this normal?

[SweetFriday]

We are trying for both, but my DD has 2 independents as her favourites right now.

Which is why I was recommended this lady by 2 local parents who have their children in their first choice schools.

The assessment was rather expensive at £125, so I believed she was trying to be detailed. But from your feedback I realise this is really out the norm.

I will give it a few weeks to see how we get on.

[mystery]

No, I have never experienced such intrusive questions from a tutor but I have experienced an obnoxious tutor who was probably also highly recommended. I had bad vibes from probably lesson number 1 and it only got worse. At some point she told me on the phone that she couldn't cope with my insecurity over the eleven plus --- where this came from I don't know but I had in a subtle kind of way asked her to teach a particular aspect of maths correctly rather than the strange and incorrect way she was doing it - and to my great relief I heard myself saying that was fine, in that case she could give my slot to someone else she could cope with, thank you and good bye. Best move I ever made. So many good books you can buy for the cost of one or two sessions.

I'd put this tutor on the scrap heap if I were you. Apart from anything, it's wasting lesson time. £125 is an awful lot for an assessment by a tutor. How long did it take? And if the phone call was included in the £125 why wasn't she asking things that would have been useful in determining what to teach your child?

If a school asked my child those kinds of questions at an interview I wouldn't send them there either. What did your daughter feel? I think would explain more to her if you want to but I'd also tell her it's a rude kind of adult who asks about it and she doesn't have to feel obliged to answer such questions any more than she should feel obliged to answer questions from strangers about her toilet habits (unless it's the gp and it's relevant)!!! Adults know the various reasons why children might have different surnames from their father or their mother and they also know it's rude and unnecessary to enquire about the reasons.

[SweetFriday]

Hi mystery I have been teaching at home since the Easter of year 2, mainly because I noticed the standard of my DDs English slipping, were previously she was always stronger in that subject than maths.

She's come on really well over this time and we have a mini library at home with a range of amazing books. She loves to work with me at home but she doesn't like to read much and her spelling is probably a year behind. So I thought getting a tutor to bring this up to the standard of her maths would be a good investment.

The assessment was 2 hours long, covering the 'interview', spelling, comprehension, VR, maths, IQ test and NVR (which they didn't have time to do). Predictably, she did well on everything but the spelling test.

The phone call later was to give me a private run down of what the tutor thought my DDs chances were of getting in to her preferred schools and the areas she needed to work on academically and personality wise.

She mentioned that my girl seemed to speak very negatively of herself because when she was asked to give 3 adjectives to describe herself, she said:

Crazy, clumsy and silly.

The tutor said she was very sad to hear those words, so asked her what her friends would say and the response was similar.

Now my DD uses the word crazy all the time, to mean wacky or a joker. So me as her parent knows what she means, but the tutor seemed to think this kind of response would make her seem not tough enough to the Head's. Leading them to assume she wouldn't be able to handle the demands of the competitive environment.

I could go on all night about my thoughts and the conversation, but I don't want to waffle lol.

My real concern is that I've never seen a topic about this kind of thing before, and don't know if I am just a newbie to this, or this teacher is blowing smoke up me for my money.

[SweetFriday]

I forgot to mention in that long post, that my DD enjoyed the lesson, mainly because of the haribo and biscuits!

She's a very diligent worker and extremely laid back, so it would have to really bad for her to complain.

I have made it clear, that I will take her straight out if there are any problems.

[Daogroupie]

Sixty two pounds fifty an hour for an assessment???? Do she write her own material and was she just using Bond books? Which schools are you sitting for?

I do agree that describing yourself as "Crazy, Clumsy and Silly" in an interview would effectively lose you the place at the school. They are looking for inquiring confident girls who will be good role models.

What is the exam format of the schools you are interested in?

How many hours a week are you planning for your dd to spend with her? DG

[neveragainmum]

This intrusive behavior utterly inappropriate and biased would have made me very angry indeed. You need to have a good professional relationship with a tutor, whom you have entrusted your child. Once this confidence has been lost you need to act by confronting them as to why they need to know as you find it totally irrelevant, remember they are not Gods, despite their reputation for success in the 11plus. Alternatively call it quits and employ someone else who doesn't cross the line like this. Personally I hope you give them the boot how dare they. You really have to question their motives.

[Tolstoy]

I do agree that describing yourself as "Crazy, Clumsy and Silly" in an interview would effectively lose you the place at the school. They are looking for inquiring confident girls who will be good role models.

Or alternatively DC who have been trained to describe themselves in an adult expected way.

Okay the silly is possibly not the best choice , particularly as the DD you are describing sounds anything but silly. However she is 10 and I know my DC would use the term crazy in exactly the same context your's is. Plus I have a clumsy one who although he may not be the most confident of DC would make an excellent role model.

Surely the whole point of an interview is to see past the prep and access the DC within. Never been a fan of private education but if they can be so easily impressed by well rehearsed DC I wonder why they bother having interviews at all.

And re question, as others have said, yes that is way too personal in regards to tutor and if as she claims the school itself will be wanting that information of that type I would be equally concerned. It should only be needed by a school if there are obvious problems with the DC and having an awareness of home set-up and any difficulties or changes to it would help the DC.

[loobylou]

I think that it's very unusual to be asked that sort of question. We only spoke to one tutor so I don't have a wide experience - but her only interest was in helping dd achieve her potential. We did discuss other things (holidays, family living overseas etc) but only because we became friendly and it was natural to chat about things.
I would be concerned that her interpretation of your dd's answers would suggest that she maybe the tutor doesn't have a lot of experience of normal 10 year old girls - but I'd also agree that those 3 words would be perceived negatively by a school. Crazy can mean fun-loving but there might be a better word to use. Clumsiness isn't necessarily a bad thing but it's maybe a bad thing to express as one of the 3 top things that define you? I think most schools would want to avoid anyone who defined themselves as silly? But I can totally see that those could be the first 3 things that spring to mind to a 10 year old the first time someone asked that question - so that's why I think her interpretation is a bit OTT; it would be a point for discussion and advice rather than censure.
We paid £50 for a 90 minute assessment. Yours sounds very expensive!!

[Kata girl]

Inappropriate !!
I don't know anything about interview prep for indies/ selectives etc but in my view if it was interview prep she would have taken whatever your DC said in her stride and just built on your DCs responses to create a dialogue.
If you try to see the positive in the tutor's comments you might think she was trying to get a bit of background so that she didn't say mum and dad in conversation when really the family set up was mum and stepdad etc however the fact that she is asking if her stepfather is good is actually completely subjective and irrelevant to the job she is being paid for.
Id ask to see evidence of her professional credentials and an up to date DBS and then even if she could provide all that still cancel her; her approach falls well short of the standard I would expect from a tutor.
Good luck !

[SweetFriday]

I agree with you all that a better choice of words would have been wiser. Which is part of the reason why so many parents have chosen the tutor, as she will highlight things like that and suggest you have a pool of complementary words.

Her assumption that my DD has some sort of emotional issues, coupled with the fact she picked apart our home life really bothered me.

Everyone has been very supportive and helpful. I can't thank you all enough for giving me some perspective on the matter.

I will have a look around for a new tutor.