11 Plus Exams Forum

Hi all, I am new to commenting on this forum, however I have been a lurker for a while, so forgive me if this post is in the wrong section etc.

As the title of my post suggests I have had an experience with my DDs new tutor that I'm not 100% comfortable with, so I wanted to clarify if I'm being over sensitive or not.

A very highly recommended and experienced tutor did an assessment with my DD, part of which entailed her having to write her name. She noted that my DD has a different surname to me. So the tutor asked if I had kept my maiden name or not. My DD didn't know how answer the question.

The tutor called me the next day to give me a run down and requested details of my home life, why I didn't have the same surname as my child, and how often she sees her father and if my new partner is a good step parent.

This went on further, but I think I've made my point and I don't want to drag on.

Now, this is the first time we have used a tutor as I have worked with my DD up till now.

Is this a normal part of the "getting to know you" process?

Not in my experience! It does sound intrusive and I really can't see quite why it's relevant.

That is very intrusive. While I considered a tutor for my son, I did speak to a few but no one ever asked me such questions. I have kept my surname and DS has his dad's. The tutors were only concerned with how he did at school and if he concentrates well and so on. Anyway in the end I pulled out DS after a few sessions but not because of intrusive questions.

You are not being over sensitive and it sounds instrusive.

There are many families were the parents aren't married, the mother has kept her maiden name, one or other parents has remarried etc, the the child may have kept their old name, taken the new one or (as my niece has) combined the two. The family dynamic is not relevant to the tutoring process unless it is causing fundamental emotional problems for the child that could possibly interfere with the tutoring process. If that's the case there are much bigger issues to deal with.

I have no experience at all of employing tutors, but the phrase, 'Creepy, or what?' springs to mind here. Apart from perhaps the tutor wanting to make sure that she doesn't 'put her foot in it' (and this goes rather beyond what is reasonable to ask for that purpose), what your family set-up is isn't really any of her business. Is she a social worker in her other life?

Utterly weird. If she persists with this line of questioning, I would go on the offensive and ask "Why do you need that information?"

Thank you guys for your responses, I really appreciate your input as I've never done this before.

I agree with you all that there was a line crossed, however the tutor insisted that when my DD goes for interviews at schools she will need to be clear about our family set up. Therefore I should talk to her about it.

I as a parent don't feel it right to tell your children the ins and outs of a break up, so I have never mentioned why we don't have the same name etc. it has always been that way, and left it at that.

My DD knows both her parents adore her and she can go to either of us, and she has the bonus of a stepdad who loves her.

Will a Head really ask about where her dad is and so on?

We are a well adjusted lot, and I can't imagine my DD gave the impression there is any kind of problem at home, because there isn't, so I am unsure how I should feel about her questions.

SweetFriday wrote:the tutor insisted that when my DD goes for interviews at schools she will need to be clear about our family set up. Therefore I should talk to her about it.

I think that is very, very unlikely indeed.

Teachers are only too aware that families come in many different flavours, and I can't think of a single one who would be as unprofessional as to ask such questions of a 10/11 year old girl!

I as a parent don't feel it right to tell your children the ins and outs of a break up, so I have never mentioned why we don't have the same name etc. it has always been that way, and left it at that.

Although I agree completely with your first point, I think it is worth explaining the absolute basics to your DD of why she has her father's surname and you don't. Just the legal reasons and no more.

It could possibly come up in future with friends, and she needs to feel comfortable that she can explain it.

The tutor, meanwhile, needs to point her nose elsewhere!

Thank you Sally-Anne, you make a good point. I have tried very hard to make things as 'normal' as possible. Perhaps I've gone to the extreme and there are things she should know now she is older.

Do you think I should mention my feelings to the tutor?

SweetFriday wrote:Do you think I should mention my feelings to the tutor?

No, unless she starts nosing around again.

I would, however, keep a very close eye on how appropriate the tuition is for the schools you are aiming for.

Are they independent schools, grammars or both?