11 Plus Exams Forum

Hi All,

Made a comment on a different thread about playground jealousy, which KE Mum answered. Thought a new topic might be better.

Has anyone suffered this. Found out yeaterday that although my daughter kept her school place very quiet and told only her closest friend, closest friend spread it around very quickly. I was astonished at how parents I didn't even know very well have come and congratulated me and my daughter too obviously (it was her effort after all).

But sadly , one child in my daughter's class, who unfortunately didn't make the cut off, but is highish on the waiting list, has been a little less than magnanimous and sometimes quite spiteful. Worse, her parents, whom I was reasonably friendly with have totally blanked me since the allocations came out. Not too sure how to deal with this one after all the euphoria. Would like to break the ice with childs parents but somehow my instinct is to keep a low profile.

Any advice from anyone who had encountered this gratefully received.

Thanks

HP

Hi HP.
Not a lot you can do really. I haven't actually told any of the parents in daughter's class. With her being relatively new there, I dont know them terribly well. She has had a bit of ribbing from one or two children, but another 3 in her class passed the 11 plus.
I think I would just maybe go up, shake hands warmly and say "Sorry to hear *** didn't get the school she wanted, but I'm sure she'll be happy at *******." and just show that you're friendly
Not much else you can do really. If they are downright nasty to you, are they the sort of people you want as friends? I'd forget about them if they are

This is another reason this whole 11 system is so awful

Thanks Guest,

I think I will try and "break the ice", and see what sort of reaction I get.

Nothing ventured as they say.

HP

HP

Your daughter's friend is very hurt and upset. Ask your daughter to be kind and tolerant towards her friend at a tough time.

It was hard for me in the early days not to occasionally feel bitter about those who had got through. I was also worried that perhaps some parents might be gloating, and about what was being said on the grapevine. (Probably nothing, but it does cross your mind!) The truth is probably that people felt embarrassed or unsure of what to say to me. I really appreciated the people who broke the ice.

Try to talk to them away from the school gates. Say you realise that as your daughter passed they may feel you can't understand how they feel, but you are genuinely concerned about them. Mention this website if it would help them. They may find it difficult to accept your olive branch immediately because of the turmoil they are in, but hopefully they will come round to a more philosophic point of view in a few weeks or months. Don't mention their daughter's behaviour - they will worry about that too. It will settle down soon, I'm sure.

Hope this helps.

Sally-Anne

HP wrote: But sadly , one child in my daughter's class, who unfortunately didn't make the cut off, but is highish on the waiting list, has been a little less than magnanimous and sometimes quite spiteful. Worse, her parents, whom I was reasonably friendly with have totally blanked me since the allocations came out. Not too sure how to deal with this one after all the euphoria. Would like to break the ice with childs parents but somehow my instinct is to keep a low profile.

Any advice from anyone who had encountered this gratefully received.

Thanks

HP

If I were you - I'd back off - as a parent whose child did not quite make it - it is a horrible feeling to have to go to the school gate and face all the pitying stares and comments when you know everyone else is bursting with joy. Its hard to say congratulations when you just want to scream its not fair!

The other parents and child will get over it - but don't rub salt into the wound - its too soon.

I personally do not resent others success, but my own child's loss of opportunity - it is a horrible sickly heavy feeling in the pit of your stomach - please let them be.

HP

If you can take a moment to register on the site I'd like to send you a PM on this subject as well!

Sally-Anne

Hi Sally-Anne,

Have taken the plunge and registered. Didn't realise it was so easy . Obviously my daughter has all the brains

HP

Dear SAD
That is awful if people are giving you pitying stares and comments. You'd think you'd just been arrested for murder or something!
I'd walk past with head held high, and pity their disgraceful attitide.
It's only an exam, not a metter of life or death.
Hope you are feeling happier soon

SAD

Am desperately trying to remember when you got your result - was it last week?

I know the feeling you describe only too well from a few months ago. It will ease in time, but it's foul while it lasts. In the meantime, you might find it most helpful to share your woes with parents whose children aren't in the 11+ year who can offer sympathy without having a vested interest.

Sally-Anne

Sally-Anne wrote:SAD

Am desperately trying to remember when you got your result - was it last week?

I know the feeling you describe only too well from a few months ago. It will ease in time, but it's foul while it lasts. In the meantime, you might find it most helpful to share your woes with parents whose children aren't in the 11+ year who can offer sympathy without having a vested interest.

Sally-Anne

Result was last week - a few friends are suggesting I should appeal - result was close - just don't think I have the stomach for it - I obviously would not tell my girl - don't want to get her hopes up and then dash them again.

Some people have been very kind - but others, not so good - I say that everyone at the school expected her to pass - but they give you that "yeah right" look - sort of like your kids not bright enough - get over it - I find myself explaining what went wrong but... sounds pathetic doesn't it - I know she is bright enough, but she just didn't do it on the day.