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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 5:58 pm 
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If the unthinkable happens, and one's hard working, gorgeous, clever child is branded 'non selective' by the heartless bureaucracy of LB Bexley, does anyone else think lying might be an option? We are borderline catchment, so unless he gets in top 180, it's a gamble anyway. Does he actually need to know? I still tell him Santa's real (he humours me on this). Will anyone (schools etc) tell them? Is it unethical and poor parenting, or is it actually excellent parenting?

I'm hoping not to have to put any of this to the test, obviously, but just thought I'd throw out a 'moral maze' style question, by way of distraction from the hideous wait!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:39 pm 
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Location: Essex
If you have already agreed with him that unless he is in the top 180, he will go to a comprehensive school, then should he not meet the qualifying score at all it would not actually be lying to say that he hadn't got into the 180. Other than that, I'm afraid we're a 'tell the truth and shame the devil' household here. I have had two children get good 11+ passes and one a not particularly close fail (who subsequently got an in-year grammar place); we are in catchment for the local grammars and all of ours would have questioned why they were going to a school at the bottom end of their preferences if they had passed the exam. I can't imagine deliberately withholding the information from them. My advice would be to tell him the truth and talk over the implications, whatever they are :) .

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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:48 pm 
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You're probably right! It occurred to me that you'd need to keep it going for the rest of your life...or get drunk at Christmas in 20 years time and confess!

Problem is, some adults I know who 'failed' it at 10 still seem scarred by it now.

Nightmare.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 6:57 pm 
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Last year in DDs class was a child who's parents had told him he was top 180 and that he had a very high score. Turns out it was not true and somehow the busy bodies from the PTA got to see the list with scores in the school office and it did not take long for the rumours to spread, poor kid.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 7:00 pm 
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Not lying but definitely considering "forgetting" to tell him the results unless he asks me!

My son is so uninterested in his year 7 applications that it is driving me even more obsessive...arrrggghhh!!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 7:48 pm 
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MerlinFromCamelot wrote:
Last year in DDs class was a child who's parents had told him he was top 180 and that he had a very high score. Turns out it was not true and somehow the busy bodies from the PTA got to see the list with scores in the school office and it did not take long for the rumours to spread, poor kid.

No way! That's dreadful on all counts! The 'scores in the school office' bit is interesting though. So they do send to the school? Do the school know already?!!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 7:56 pm 
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hornetgirl wrote:
Not lying but definitely considering "forgetting" to tell him the results unless he asks me!

My son is so uninterested in his year 7 applications that it is driving me even more obsessive...arrrggghhh!!


That's a good way for him to be, I reckon! As long as you can go mad fairly quietly, all good! I need to stop accidentally talking to mine about it, in the 'so did you definitely put the questions in the right boxes...? Are you sure you wrote your name?' I'm even annoying myself!

The problem with being borderline catchment is if we get through but not in top 180, there's every chance the obsession will be ongoing until September 2016!! Aaarrrgggh!


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 7:57 pm 
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Happy hamster wrote:
Does he actually need to know?


Everyone does what they feel is right, but I would tell him...

First of all, please try to think positive and don't worry. Secondly, should it not work out, I think he has a right to know. He also must know that it is not the end of the world and that it doesn't make him a lesser person, just because he didn't get into a selective school. There are a lot of very clever children who do not perform well under pressure, or maybe didn't sleep well, or were coming down with something and didn't do well in the exam... It can happen to anyone, however clever they are.

My eldest didn't make it to a grammar school. I explained to him time after time that it wasn't him who wasn't good enough, someone else was just a little bit better and with the huge competition for places, even a few points can make a difference between getting in and not getting in.

I really hope it goes well for your son, but if it doesn't, I wouldn't shield him from the truth. Children need to learn to cope with disappointments and not lose confidence in themselves. Plus, if it ever came out that you lied to him, he might do the same thing to you when something goes wrong. Would you prefer him to protect you from knowing about his problems when he is older, or would you prefer to know? Just a thought...


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 8:00 pm 
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I cannot and do not wish to withhold from DS any information about the results as he understands what our options are. If our hard work does not bear fruit, well, we will support each other and deal with it. Somehow. But in my heart of hearts, I am hoping it won't come to that.


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PostPosted: Wed Sep 30, 2015 10:10 pm 
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Location: Orpington
Slightly different dilemma, we have just been to see our local comp (Darrick wood) and DD has decided she definitely wants to go there regardless of whatever her newstead result is ! Mixed emotions, part of me wants a low score so the decision is out of my hands but other part thinks of all the hard work we put into it ! (89% of girls this year got 5a-c GCSE grades) not bad for a comp.


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