Coping with Exam Disappointment

[deontological]

... what about one of their peers of around the same level as them, who through no fault of his own, has not managed to secure a place yet...possibly the only one in a school year of 60 kids...and remember, this little chappy was of their calibre a few weeks ago...his body language is also changing to one of someone thinking he is a failure or looser...

PapaM

I assume that you and DS are first-party to the scenario that you described and, if so, you’re in an unenviable position as a parent to support DS through a difficult time in his young life.

As this is mainly a parenting issue that no doubt affects many parents and children coming out of the school selection process, I thought I'd share my views with anyone who might find some comfort in my words. As a social animal, we feed off the emotions of others and it can be a bitterly cruel experience for anyone to be seen as an “outsiderâ€

[Bewildered]

It's not the child, PapaM. It's the system. The lack of places for all the bright young things out there. The lack of grammars (in our English system).

They should also be told to hold their heads high and shoulders straight because they know that they are just as able as the ones that did get one of those finite places. And for those that did, the peers and friends, if they are worth those places will not just be 'academically able' but also 'empathy able', and make sure that their friend who unfortunately didn't get one of those finite places, knows he/she is still held in their esteem and is known to be just as able as they were prior to receiving those results.

[lion63]

Show him you are continuously proud of him. Even a little rub on the back is a tiny physical signal to say, 'you're the best, big boy; Dad's real proud of you!'

Get Mum to make his favourite food or have party food and eat while watching TV!!

Get Big Sis to play with him and encourage him, 'You're always so good at this game!'

A favourite friend, cousin?? Come over for chill time.

Support and Distract. My only parenting techniques.

Hope it goes well. Time is also a big healer, it's been said.

[PapaM]

Deontologial, bewildered and of course, lion63...

Thank you very much for taking the time and consideration to post this. I have already spent a lot of time on another posting so before I do on this one, I'd like to digest what you all have said.

And if anyone else has any suggestions, please do contribute to this thread started by Deontological...I have found out the hard way on the feeling a young innocent soul has to go through and I am sure it is unnecessary...

Once again, many thanks...

[Chelmsford mum]

Hi there PapaM
We know what you feel.My DD didn't make it in and has a sister already there at a very high performing grammar school.She was doing all the right things in prep but underperformed a little ( 6th on waiting list) on the day.
We are assuming she still will not get in because we need to get her head round the new situation.These are the kinds of things we have done tohelp.I am sure you have prob done some of them already :-
Told her how proud we are of her , for all her effort and the courage to sit these (horrible) tests.
Told her we know she is a very bright girl, because she is and that exam morning was just a snapshot of a fragment of who she is.
Emphasised all the other qualities she has and talents too.(sporting, caring and music)
Told her how little this will matter when applying for jobs in the real world.(she is not going to have to talk about her 11+ score)

Practically we have :-
Talked up the school she is going to in any way we can.
E.g You will be in top streams there and you know people going but also
I have printed off things from their website about school trips, holidays, sports clubs, music clubs , exam results etc. If you don't know. ring them up and even ask to be shown round again.
Most of all I have strived to hide our disappointment that she will not join her sister and have remained as positive as possible.Of course I have worried and even cried(on offer day) in private.Be as positive as you can, find out ANY positives about the new school.
Some of the reaction from other people may be awkwardness.They may not know what to say etc.
It is hard but with a parent who cares, as you obviously do, a bright child will succeed.Please take heart .Your child will do you proud.Make sure you communicate that your child can do as well as his friends in life.IT IS TRUE after all.Have you talked to his current teacher about the need to boost him at the moment? I am sure they could if they put their mind to it.Try hard not to worry yourself about what others are thinking at the school. Most parents recognise there are no certain outcomes in this process.Performance on the day is a variable, even with a bright child.He is the same bright boy he was before you knew the result of the process.Just keep on making sure he knows that and that the future is still bright for him.

[meagain]

I think it is really good if you can spend some quality time together as a family. Get away if you can and I think you then appreciate that there is more to life out in the big wide world, and what is happening at school is just a tiny part of it.
When I was a child my parents were planning on us moving home and I was very concerned about leaving my friends as I was a very sociable girl. One afternoon I was not able to go out and play as it was raining heavily and the whole family ended up sitting round the table with a nice bunch of colouring books. We had such a lovely afternoon together that I clearly remember how my feelings about moving changed. Knowing I had my family was more important than anything else.
Find something your child is really good at (bowling/colouring/singing) and spend some time together as a family doing that activity. That way your child can see how good they are at something rather than just being told.
Knowing they are not alone is a real comfort and lots and lots of hugs.
Also, just wanted to add, point out lots of successful people who didn't go to grammar. My DCs always talk about Alan Sugar.

[deontological]

Deontologial, bewildered and of course, lion63...

Thank you very much for taking the time and consideration to post this. I have already spent a lot of time on another posting so before I do on this one, I'd like to digest what you all have said.

And if anyone else has any suggestions, please do contribute to this thread started by Deontological...I have found out the hard way on the feeling a young innocent soul has to go through and I am sure it is unnecessary...

Once again, many thanks...

Another interesting idea from that old guy (Confucius) is that true learning comes from within. What makes a better person isn't based upon which school the child has attended or what vocation that child ends up taking on as an adult, but what the child makes of the opportunities presented to her in life.

Yes, a good school might improve ones chances of getting better exam grades and a top job might well command a top salary ... but surely none of those external things (going to a good school or having a well-paid job) nessitates a transformation of the child into a better person. That child would have to figure that out herself.

[CCHSsmiley]

My child was not offered a scholarship at independent school, cried a bit but a shopping trip cheered her up. Also finding out that not many other people were offered scholarships helped. However she did get grammar school. Just remind them they did their best and ARE clever. By September they will come round and look forward to their school.

[stressedaddy]

We know what you feel.My DD didn't make it in and has a sister already there at a very high performing grammar school.She was doing all the right things in prep but underperformed a little ( 6th on waiting list) on the day.
We are assuming she still will not get in because we need to get her head round the new situation.These are the kinds of things we have done tohelp.I am sure you have prob done some of them already :-
Told her how proud we are of her , for all her effort and the courage to sit these (horrible) tests.
Told her we know she is a very bright girl, because she is and that exam morning was just a snapshot of a fragment of who she is.
Emphasised all the other qualities she has and talents too.(sporting, caring and music)
Told her how little this will matter when applying for jobs in the real world.(she is not going to have to talk about her 11+ score)

Practically we have :-
Talked up the school she is going to in any way we can.
E.g You will be in top streams there and you know people going but also
I have printed off things from their website about school trips, holidays, sports clubs, music clubs , exam results etc. If you don't know. ring them up and even ask to be shown round again.
Most of all I have strived to hide our disappointment that she will not join her sister and have remained as positive as possible.Of course I have worried and even cried(on offer day) in private.Be as positive as you can, find out ANY positives about the new school.
Some of the reaction from other people may be awkwardness.They may not know what to say etc.
It is hard but with a parent who cares, as you obviously do, a bright child will succeed.Please take heart .Your child will do you proud.Make sure you communicate that your child can do as well as his friends in life.IT IS TRUE after all.Have you talked to his current teacher about the need to boost him at the moment? I am sure they could if they put their mind to it.Try hard not to worry yourself about what others are thinking at the school. Most parents recognise there are no certain outcomes in this process.Performance on the day is a variable, even with a bright child.He is the same bright boy he was before you knew the result of the process.Just keep on making sure he knows that and that the future is still bright for him.

Hello, I am in the same situation as this. Older son in very good GS, second son missed the cut and will go to local CS in Solihull. We know he'll do well and years to come will look back and say it was for the best. But, I haven't given up, he can still go there to do hs 6th form.

Thanks

[deontological]

Deontologial, bewildered and of course, lion63...

Thank you very much for taking the time and consideration to post this. I have already spent a lot of time on another posting so before I do on this one, I'd like to digest what you all have said.

And if anyone else has any suggestions, please do contribute to this thread started by Deontological...I have found out the hard way on the feeling a young innocent soul has to go through and I am sure it is unnecessary...

Once again, many thanks...

Another interesting idea from that old guy (Confucius) is that true learning comes from within. What makes a better person isn't based upon which school the child has attended or what vocation that child ends up taking on as an adult, but what the child makes of the opportunities presented to her in life.

Yes, a good school might improve ones chances of getting better exam grades and a top job might well command a top salary ... but surely none of those external things (going to a good school or having a well-paid job) nessitates a transformation of the child into a better person. That child would have to figure that out herself.

With the Kendrick and Reading 2010 exams looming, I think it's timely to remind the children (and perhaps more so the parents) that they're only a set of exams ... definitely not the end of the World. Come March next year, some children will be offered a place, others won't. But whatever the outcome, true learning comes from within.