Losing the plot!!
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Losing the plot!!
Daughter is doing well at school, always tops her class in both maths and english but the others are catching up fast. Now we have the added pressure of Yr 6 and prep for 11+. I am fed up with all the parents telling me that she will sail through, when we all know it is a bit of a lottery on the day. Unfortunately I think I have put a bit too much pressure on her and todays she seems to have taken a giant backward step. She was getting 80%+ on all tests and today got 70%. When I asked her to repeat the questions she got wrong she could do all but 3! My fault entirely as I have been getting anxious about her being one of the oldest in her year. I know she has picked up on this but I hope I havent damaged her confidence for good???
Any ideas on how I can be a bit more chilled? I dont want to be the high pressure parent that I currently am. I did this with my son and now he is at uni, but he remembers always feeling that we put him under too much pressure. I need to sort myself out before I alienate myself from my daughter. Thanks
Any ideas on how I can be a bit more chilled? I dont want to be the high pressure parent that I currently am. I did this with my son and now he is at uni, but he remembers always feeling that we put him under too much pressure. I need to sort myself out before I alienate myself from my daughter. Thanks
Re: Losing the plot!!
Hi bean, I think you are being far too hard on yourself. Getting the balance between being calm and laid back about the whole thing, and getting the importance of the exam across to your DD is extremely difficult. If it is any help at all both my DSs' marks dipped in September and so did those of most of their classmates. Their teacher was completely unconcerned about it, she regarded it as quite normal. Their marks did climb back up the nearer they got to the exam and all of the class, bar one, got into the grammar school of their choice. We Mums have a habit of being too judgemental of ourselves when it comes to our children. Keep encouraging her and tell her things will all come together nearer the day. I do feel for you, it is such a stressful time and try to ignore the comments from other Mums they don't mean any harm and don't realise the pressure they are putting you under with their comments. I will keep everything crossed for your DD.
I think I have been guilty in the past of putting mine under too much pressure at times. My eldest son expressed this view to me when he was revising for his GCSEs and I forced myself to take a step back. Instead of me asking how much revision he was doing and asking if he felt he had done enough, I would ask if he needed any support with his revision or if there was anything he would like us to help him with. The tension between us disappeared and I felt like I was being supportive rather than a nag. Remember, you are only reacting the way you are because you realise the importance of a good education and want your children to do their best. You have a son who is now at Uni, he may feel you put him under too much pressure at times, but in time I am sure he will be grateful to you for the encouragement and support you have given him. Failing this I have found a big bar of galaxy and a glass of red wine helps!
I think I have been guilty in the past of putting mine under too much pressure at times. My eldest son expressed this view to me when he was revising for his GCSEs and I forced myself to take a step back. Instead of me asking how much revision he was doing and asking if he felt he had done enough, I would ask if he needed any support with his revision or if there was anything he would like us to help him with. The tension between us disappeared and I felt like I was being supportive rather than a nag. Remember, you are only reacting the way you are because you realise the importance of a good education and want your children to do their best. You have a son who is now at Uni, he may feel you put him under too much pressure at times, but in time I am sure he will be grateful to you for the encouragement and support you have given him. Failing this I have found a big bar of galaxy and a glass of red wine helps!
Re: Losing the plot!!
Wise words, Fran, I needed them too. I also have a DS who everyone tells me will sail though. Haha! In practice he is either not scoring enough or just about enough, so I am well aware that it could go either way on the day (here in Bucks they need to be scoring about 90% to be sure). Yesterday he told me he hated doing the papers so I think I need to back off a bit too. Today we will have a fun day out which I will specifically tell him is to reward all his hard work.
scary mum
Re: Losing the plot!!
It is a very hard balance to strike.
I have a child who is in the top groups. He excels at English (level 5 since middle of Year 5) but is merely 'good' at maths. As such he is definitely not expected to sail through the tests and to some extent that has eased the pressure a little. It is harder for you as a lot of the pressure on your daughter is external - I am sure she picks up on other people saying that she will sail through and this must add to her stress. There isn't really a lot you can do about the external pressures but you can tell her what you've said here: that even for the brightest, most able pupil, the 11+ is a lottery. Every year exceptionally gifted children will fail to get a place and children who are borderline will be lucky to get questions they find easy or get a paper that avoids the ones they find hard.
With my own child, I have said to him that if he gets over 85% on the practice tests at home, he doesn't have to bother going through the corrections with me. He hates going through the corrections and finds this incentive motivating! I am sneaky though and take note of anything he consistently struggles with to have a chat about at another time. I am also trying to avoid a last minute panic and the temptation to get him doing hours of extra work every day. I am trying to keep it to 20 - 30 minutes on weekdays and a couple of practice papers at the weekends. It is difficult though as I don’t want to let him down by ramping up the pressure but similarly I don’t want him to miss out on a place for the sake of a little extra effort at this late stage.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone wants what is best for their child and probably very few of us get it totally right.
I have a child who is in the top groups. He excels at English (level 5 since middle of Year 5) but is merely 'good' at maths. As such he is definitely not expected to sail through the tests and to some extent that has eased the pressure a little. It is harder for you as a lot of the pressure on your daughter is external - I am sure she picks up on other people saying that she will sail through and this must add to her stress. There isn't really a lot you can do about the external pressures but you can tell her what you've said here: that even for the brightest, most able pupil, the 11+ is a lottery. Every year exceptionally gifted children will fail to get a place and children who are borderline will be lucky to get questions they find easy or get a paper that avoids the ones they find hard.
With my own child, I have said to him that if he gets over 85% on the practice tests at home, he doesn't have to bother going through the corrections with me. He hates going through the corrections and finds this incentive motivating! I am sneaky though and take note of anything he consistently struggles with to have a chat about at another time. I am also trying to avoid a last minute panic and the temptation to get him doing hours of extra work every day. I am trying to keep it to 20 - 30 minutes on weekdays and a couple of practice papers at the weekends. It is difficult though as I don’t want to let him down by ramping up the pressure but similarly I don’t want him to miss out on a place for the sake of a little extra effort at this late stage.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Everyone wants what is best for their child and probably very few of us get it totally right.
Re: Losing the plot!!
Fear not Bean, I think even the most angelic parents who're involved in this (at times difficult) process show signs of stress now and again. I seem to remember being little unhinged and edgy on a few occasions myself! But what really helped DC was having a month off from any test papers in the summer and totally relaxing - it came at the end of a bought of really low marks too. With re-charged batteries revisiting papers later on, DC's marks were much umproved (going from mid 70's to 90's again) - then DC passed the exam.
Even having a week off I think would help most children now and again. Perhaps saying ''You've been working hard and doing so well, let's take a break from it for a while''; then do some nicer things, and just don't mention the school/exam/testing thing at all. It give us parents a break too to unwind those tightly coiled springs of hope and expectation.
Best of luck with it, and I'm sure you're doing a great job.
Even having a week off I think would help most children now and again. Perhaps saying ''You've been working hard and doing so well, let's take a break from it for a while''; then do some nicer things, and just don't mention the school/exam/testing thing at all. It give us parents a break too to unwind those tightly coiled springs of hope and expectation.
Best of luck with it, and I'm sure you're doing a great job.
Re: Losing the plot!!
I'm on a slightly different wavelength as I was a teacher and my own children are not doing the 11+ for a long while yet. So forgive me if I get this a little wrong.
What I do notice is that all you "home tutorers" put a lot of emphasis in doing loads of practice papers and getting a really high score in each and every one of them otherwise you get worried and scare your child.
The practice papers are one element of tutoring your child - but they are not the be all and end all. They are there to help your child build up speed and accuracy, and to get practice in the types of question that might come up, and to help you find out which areas of the syllabus your child needs to be taught or practice more on!! So how can you assume that a slip from 80% to 70% is bad, or your fault for pressurising, or anything else. It's just a home practice paper which your child got less than usual on for a reason you can identify by looking at the questions and your child's answers.
Personally I think re-doing the ones your child got wrong is the most useful bit of the whole process. In a way you wasted your child's time giving them all those questions they could get right easily anyhow!! But you can do this in lots of different ways. It doesn't have to be "sit down now and do all the ones you got wrong again" like it's a punishment. And if the child gets them all right second time round it tells you that they were just careless slips; so far so good. So you need to work out what is causing the slips and work on that, if getting that number of careless errors actually matters. Perhaps they use some particular methods which make slips more likely to happen etc etc. You won't find these things out just by giving them masses of papers and not really analysing the wrong answers.
I am now going to a stretch a point, but you could have child who got 80% every time at home, and you don't bother with corrections. And then the paper on the day has loads of questions in it relating to the 20% of material the child couldn't do at home. Child flaps in the exam and fails.
And all I can say about the Bucks papers is that, as 30% of pupils get grammar places in Bucks, if 30% of children get over 90% raw score every year in the real 11+ paper, either Bucks children are very clever, or the papers are jolly easy.
What I do notice is that all you "home tutorers" put a lot of emphasis in doing loads of practice papers and getting a really high score in each and every one of them otherwise you get worried and scare your child.
The practice papers are one element of tutoring your child - but they are not the be all and end all. They are there to help your child build up speed and accuracy, and to get practice in the types of question that might come up, and to help you find out which areas of the syllabus your child needs to be taught or practice more on!! So how can you assume that a slip from 80% to 70% is bad, or your fault for pressurising, or anything else. It's just a home practice paper which your child got less than usual on for a reason you can identify by looking at the questions and your child's answers.
Personally I think re-doing the ones your child got wrong is the most useful bit of the whole process. In a way you wasted your child's time giving them all those questions they could get right easily anyhow!! But you can do this in lots of different ways. It doesn't have to be "sit down now and do all the ones you got wrong again" like it's a punishment. And if the child gets them all right second time round it tells you that they were just careless slips; so far so good. So you need to work out what is causing the slips and work on that, if getting that number of careless errors actually matters. Perhaps they use some particular methods which make slips more likely to happen etc etc. You won't find these things out just by giving them masses of papers and not really analysing the wrong answers.
I am now going to a stretch a point, but you could have child who got 80% every time at home, and you don't bother with corrections. And then the paper on the day has loads of questions in it relating to the 20% of material the child couldn't do at home. Child flaps in the exam and fails.
And all I can say about the Bucks papers is that, as 30% of pupils get grammar places in Bucks, if 30% of children get over 90% raw score every year in the real 11+ paper, either Bucks children are very clever, or the papers are jolly easy.
Re: Losing the plot!!
As unbelievable as it might be, the Bucks VR papers are just the same in difficulty as other VR papers set by GL assessment/NFER type. It's just that many, many Bucks children are tutored to the point that the window of discrimination is now very narrow and so they do need to get ~85-90% to qualify, depending on birthdate. I guess at some point they will need to do something to broaden the spread more...mystery wrote:And all I can say about the Bucks papers is that, as 30% of pupils get grammar places in Bucks, if 30% of children get over 90% raw score every year in the real 11+ paper, either Bucks children are very clever, or the papers are jolly easy.
Having said all that, the 8 out of 30 children that got through to GS in my DDs school were "consistent top table (how I hate that terminology)/SATS level 5+" types in the year so in that way the tests did discriminate. However I am sure there are very bright children out there that did not qualify - there is sadly also a bit of luck on the day stuff going on and equally sadly, those whose parents could not afford or be bothered with tutoring.
Good luck everyone this year.
Re: Losing the plot!!
Does bucks publish the raw score that became the pass mark each year?
Re: Losing the plot!!
I just want to say , not to feel despondent and that all is lost if your child isn't deemed " top table " ( always have a picture of the honoured children at a wedding top table ) because children really do develop at different rates and can get there in the end ! I know I probably bore everyone with this, but my DS who has just left primary with level 5 and 6 was in a learning support group early on in primary, DS2 was apparently on a SEN watch list, but now is level 4c ( yr5) so is hopefully on track too. DD also was highlighted to be a bit dim, but is level 3 ( yr 3 ) so is fine too.Jules7 wrote: Having said all that, the 8 out of 30 children that got through to GS in my DDs school were "consistent top table
Strangely, a supply teacher from a top private school who has worked for donkeys years, has taught all mine at some point and told me not to stress over all these tests and assumptions made so early on...she said they would all be fine. ( may have been because I was booing my eyes out
)