Lonely at secondary school

[doormouse]

Can anybody help me. My extremely shy son is finding life at DCGS difficult, because he has no friends. He walks around by himself and feels really isolated. I am sure he is not alone in this, but would be so grateful if anybody who had a son at the same school who was feeling the same way could contact me.

I have never seen a thread like this before and really hope it's not inappropriate, but he is so tearful I cant bear it and must try and do something to help him.

[Fran17]

Oh doormouse your post has brought a tear to my eye. None of us like to think of our children being on their own and so tearful about it. If I were you I would contact the school, ask to speak to his form tutor and explain his situation. I am sure you are right, there are probably other boys at the school in a similar position. Whilst some children seem to sail through the transition from primary to secondary school some find it much more challenging at first. You won't be the first and you won't be the last to have a child in this position and I am sure they will have strategies in place to deal with his situation. My two eldest DSs are both peer mentors at their schools and I know they have mentored children who are shy. It's a great start to have an older boy who goes up to them in the playground to have a chat. They can talk to them about the school and maybe encourage them to join one of the clubs. It helps them to start feeling at home in their new surroundings. It is very early days and I am sure this phase will pass quickly and he will settle and make new friends. Please keep in touch and let us know how he gets on.

How great that he feels able to speak to you about his feelings you are obviously very close. I really am sure once he finds some like minded friends, and he will, he won't look back and this time will soon be forgotten.

[bear]

hi my son is at DCGS..in YR7. Sorry to hear about how your son is feeling. The school did do a sports weeks in July..did your son go to that? Also they are doing a few days at the Isle of Wightat the end of Sept so that might help him.
My son only knew 1 other boy at the school but has made a few friends and they all seem to be friendly. I am sure that he will get to know the boys well in his class as it has only been a couple of days since school has started.
It is very difficult and upsetting to hear this type of thing and I am sure if you raise your concerns with the matron - think- at the school i am sure that they will help....

[ourmaminhavana]

Oh Doormouse you poor thing. I am sure as Fran says the school will be able to buddy him up with someone or offer strategies to help or encourage him to join a club. It's very early days and I'm sure soon this will be a thing of the past but it's a huge worry, isn't it? I think it was my biggest worry by far when my painfully shy DS started at secondary school last year. He didn't know a soul and I was very anxious on his behalf, but they only need to find one initially to suddenly feel less isolated and more a part of things.
DS was listening to a radio programme giving advice to people starting school and the man said go up to people and say hello, I'm x and my son said no, I definitely wouldn't do that so I asked what advice he would give and he said listen to people and laugh at their jokes, even if they're not funny! He said it was only after six months that he finally told his new best friend how awful they were!
I think also the teachers will pair them up for things in class and they will naturally gravitate towards like minded children over time when they have sussed each other out a little more. I know that's little consolation now, but it really won't last forever.

[scary mum]

I immediately felt very sad when I saw the title of your thread, it's what we all dread. When DD started in year 7 another mother asked me if my DD would welcome her into their little group on the bus, which helped her. Have you encouraged him to go to clubs? I guess they won't start until next week, but at least he will meet different people there and will be busy, rather than wandering around on his own. I'm sure the school will help out of they can, they know that it can be a hard transition sometimes. It must be very difficult for you, you do battle to get your child to the best school for them and then they seem unhappy. It sounds trite, but it really is early days.

Let us know how he gets on.

[scarlett]

Can I just tell you about a boy in my sons new class which might help ? My son says there is an extremely shy boy who seems upset a lot of the time, and he said that he ( and others ) make an effort to talk to him and include him in whatever they are doing. ...yest. there semed to be a break through, because he joined them on their afternoon wanderings around Sainsburys whilst waiting for the bus. He may come home today with a slightly better perspective on it all.You may need to go over his day with him, and suggest ways to push himself forward .Does he get a bus to school ? Any friends he has mentioned at all ? My son has only made 2 friends and he is an out going sort who usually has no problems making friends and from what he says I get the impression they are all eyeing each other up ...getting the measure if you like. I'm sure there will be another boy who will be feeling lonely, it's going to take a bit longer to search it other out.

[pheasantchick]

Its good your son was able to talk to you about how he feels and not bottle it up.

I can't really add anything new to what has bee nsaid above. P'haps you can set him small challenges. ie. go and speak to one new boy each day. It may be worth arming him with some prepared questions/statements.

ie. whats your name?
- whats you favourite football team?
- what are you doing this weekend?
- what music do you like?
-

OR anything todo with DS's hobbies.

(I'm not suggesting ask all these questiosn, just prepare him with some set questions so he know what to say which may take the fear of taliking to someone)

[ourmaminhavana]

Dear Doormouse, I'm really hoping that today went better. My heart goes out to you both.

[doormouse]

First of all thank you one and all for replying, I felt completely lost last night and didn't know what to do the fact that so many people have attempted to offer advice is a boost in itself.

I have spoken to the school who have been more than helpful and will try and assist my son through this difficult time. He told me things weren't so bad today - no he didn't have anybody to talk to but managed to get a seat in the library so could read (a first!) and not feel so lonely.

He feels that everybody belongs to a group and has somebody they know, and he is dreadfully shy often speaking very slowly because he is trying to get the words out so find initiating conversation almost impossible. I hope that when the clubs start up at lunch time he will have a sense of direction.

Thank you again
Doormouse.

[Guest55]

Some Bucks Secondary school have a 'buddy' system - a few older children are attached to each form to help them find their way around etc.

Perhaps DCGS should consider such a system - with their unusual intake this year (from a much wider area) there must be a lot of boys who know no-one else.

Hugs to you and your DS - I did have a similar PM from someone else on the forum so you are not the only parent worrying ....