Who buys their DC alcohol?

[tense]

My DD is very nearly 15. Drinking has been going on in her circle for quite a while. She has only ever had sips & never come home drunk, a bit tipsy or even slightly smelling of alcohol.

But now she has asked me if I would consider buying her alcohol to take to a party. Her argument (if you can call it that) is that it's safer to know the origins of what she's drinking & she wouldn't feel pressured into trying other peoples.

I have agreed to think about it. I know, many of you will think I should just say no, but I think I need to be realistic. I know (for a fact) that other parents buy their children alcohol. Me not doing the buying isn't going to stop my DD trying drinking - friends offered to buy it for her so I suppose I should be pleased she felt she could talk to me about it.

I feel really confused. Part of me wants to wrap her up in cotton wool forever - but part of me thinks I have to accept that this goes on & having a little bit of control / my DD's trust is worth a lot.

No right answers of course, but I'd welcome others thoughts.

[Sally-Anne]

This is a horror with kids of this age. Boys go for lager and cider, girls start out with alcopops and then graduate to their Big Brother - Bacardi Breezer becomes Bacardi.

What they do not appreciate is the relative strength of different drinks, and that is a crucial message to get across. "Drink two of these and you are not fit to drive a car. Drink four of these and you will not be coherent and will look stupid to your friends. Drink six of them and you will be dead drunk (or even dead) under a bush somewhere."

Yes, buy her a reasonable amount of alcohol for her own consumption, but supplement it with soft drinks and water. Explain about the alcohol content of different drinks and the way that they are consumed. There are teens out there who think that Bacardi is meant to be drunk neat ...

[Looking for help]

This is a nightmare, to be honest. On the one hand you know if they're going to parties, alcohol will be supplied, somehow, so you know they will probably have some, on the other, you don't want to be handing the stuff out willy nilly. My three older children are now 20, 19 and 17. I never ever gave them alcohol to take out with them when they went to parties (except at this past New Year, for my 17 year old), but there was always alcohol available. When one of mine was 16, we had a party at home . The amount of alcohol that came into our house had to be seen to be believed, I was absolutely shocked. However they scoffed the lot and nobody was too much the worse for wear. I don't know what the right answer is, sadly. Sally-Anne has given very good advice, I think on balance nearly 15 is a wee bit too young, but it IS very difficult, perhaps giving your daughter a little is fine. It's also really good that she can talk to you about it.

The only good thing I can think of to say is that she will soon be 18 then it's all her own decision.

[scary mum]

Funnily enough, this happened to me this weekend. DD is the same age, has never been very interested in having a drink but asked if we would buy her some alcopops to take to a party. We talked about it and like you, were pleased that she had asked us. We explained to her than alcopops can be much stronger than they taste and that if she seemed drunk when we picked her up it wouldn't happen again. I think part of it was that she didn't want to go to the party empty handed - after all, we wouldn't. I was a bit when her friend appeared with a small bottle of vodka in her hand. Both were fine and she said afterwards she had drunk two of the alcopops (which were 4% proof). It's horrid, but they are growing up.

[Waiting_For_Godot]

This is really difficult but do remember that if anything happened to your daughter or her friends because of alcohol that you had bought them then you would be criminally responsible. At the very least you would be committing a crime by supplying alcohol to a minor in these circumstance. I'm not sure it's the best example to be setting even if the intentions are good. We wouldn't buy our children mild drugs for the very same reasons and yet some of the negative consequences of alcohol can be far greater.

There is no way I would let anyone elses child drink alcohol in my home even if they had provided it themselves. It is just far too risky. Fwiw my eldest has the occasional 1/4 glass of wine with Sunday lunch or some champagne at special occasions but he is not interested at the moment. As he gets older he may have a beer with his dad but we would only allow this in the context of having a small amount of alcohol with a meal. I will still educate them on alcohol and it's effects and if they choose to drink then I will not buy it for them.

[vasu]

My parents were comfortable with me having alcohol only after I was 18. And I am glad they were very strict about it. Adolescent brain is a working progress and alcohol seriously hinders brain activity and development. Till you personally do not pour drink for your child, how will a parent know how much did the kid drink in the party. I feel there is a age and a time for everything. And it is not a cultural thing.

[Fran17]

Tense this is a very tricky situation and one I wish we didn't have to face as parents. To be honest I wish I could stick my head in the sand for a few years and come out when my youngest reaches 18. We have been very lucky my eldest is 17 and isn't too keen on alcohol. He is on medication for a health problem and he worries that it will affect him adversely. Middle son is 16 and has had a couple of drinks at these infamous house parties they seem to go to these days. As yet we have not bought them any drinks but will certainly consider it if they ask as maybe this would be the lesser of two evils. As your daughter said, at least they will know what they are drinking and it's origin. The trouble is if you deprive them of it completely it then becomes much more attractive as the forbidden fruit. You can only do what you think is best for your DD. It is a credit to your relationship that she feels able to talk to you and confide in you. I know of a few children whose parents forbid them from having a drink, they ignore this advice and then manage to hide it from them. Keep doing what you are doing, communication and information are extremely important. As for whether to buy them alcohol I am afraid I can't answer as I am not sure myself.

[pheasantchick]

A Mum I know was in the same situation recently. Her DS was 1 (about to enter 6th form so a year older than your child). Her DS wanted Malibu, the drink of choice. She ended up getting a small bottle so DS would not feel out of place, and she knew what she was drinking. They only drank what they took to the party.

At least your DS has asked you to buy it and not sneaked off to buy it, or ask an older friend.

[menagerie]

I know it's really easy for a parent whose children are not that age yet to be holier than thou, but I can't help wondering: can you not just say to her, you're asking me to break the law for you, so that you can break the law too. Just because they do it doesn't mean we should make it easy for them. But I'm aware I have quite strict opinions on children drinking, as I have witnessed some overly lax adults around children and alcohol which have made me very prim!

[scarlett]

What happens if your dc go to these parties without taking alcohol ? Will they still drink someone elses or not get anything ? Are there any adults around ...as your dd is 14, Tense ? The problem is that this seems to be normal nowadays...I didn't start drinking copious amounts until I was 18 and so a bit older . It depends how sensible your children are and where there're going to be. A cautionary tale, I once looked after a girl who was comatose and her delightful friends left her at a bus stop slumped on the floor ..luckily a community officer spotted her on cctv just as a strange man was looking her over in an interested manner.Talk to your dc about it and try to impress on them how vulnerable excessive drinking can leave you.