managing the perfectionist
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managing the perfectionist
Does anyone have any words of advice, my son is the `find everything simple' type of child (read easy going), my daughter (younger sibling) is pushing herself too hard towards the 11+. She has set her own target of Chelmsford, a highly selective grammar, we have two other local grammars that are much easier to get into. She will probably make Chelmsford and I don't think she needs to worry.
I have currently asked her to put the 11+ work aside, having found her crying because she got less than 90% on a VR paper. She is resistant to put the work aside, I am arranging play dates and encouraging her swimming and running, again both done to the utmost of her ability.
Does anyone else have any similar experience or any words of advice.
I have currently asked her to put the 11+ work aside, having found her crying because she got less than 90% on a VR paper. She is resistant to put the work aside, I am arranging play dates and encouraging her swimming and running, again both done to the utmost of her ability.
Does anyone else have any similar experience or any words of advice.
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SunlampVexesEel
- Posts: 1245
- Joined: Fri Jul 06, 2007 9:31 pm
Re: managing the perfectionist
Motivation comes from within; our DD too really focused during the year run up to 11+. Personally I think you are lucky.
In our case... It was the parents that were at breaking point towards the end not the child!
Good Luck
Regards
SVE
In our case... It was the parents that were at breaking point towards the end not the child!
Good Luck
Regards
SVE
Animis opibusque parati
Hi moving,
I do not have direct experience of this level of dedication... my own daughter being at the other end of the motivation spectrum! However, I do sympathise... girls can put a lot of pressure on themselves and then also have the added pressure of peer comments to be thinner etc.
Could you try limiting her work to certain days of the week and/or certain times of the day and adhere to the time limits you set with her... say 30 mins or whatever is appropriate? That way it's agreed before she starts work. When the time's up perhaps have some other, fun things planned so that she switches off?
Has she said why she feels the need to work this hard? Are all her friends telling her that this is the amount of work they are doing and she feels she has to keep up?
Best Wishes
Clarendon
I do not have direct experience of this level of dedication... my own daughter being at the other end of the motivation spectrum! However, I do sympathise... girls can put a lot of pressure on themselves and then also have the added pressure of peer comments to be thinner etc.
Could you try limiting her work to certain days of the week and/or certain times of the day and adhere to the time limits you set with her... say 30 mins or whatever is appropriate? That way it's agreed before she starts work. When the time's up perhaps have some other, fun things planned so that she switches off?
Has she said why she feels the need to work this hard? Are all her friends telling her that this is the amount of work they are doing and she feels she has to keep up?
Best Wishes
Clarendon
Thanks Clarendon
Fortunately she has actually finally accepted that she is OK. An enforced week off has worked wonders. It was lovely to see her drawing, writing, reading again.
Her best friend is doing far more work than she is, due to a parental/tutorial regime. Fortunately the school are also helping me out by telling her that she has no problems with passing and that she is daft to even consider failure.
Obviously the head teacher knows far more than me and she seems to believe him.
I am highly relieved, a smiling, laughing daughter is wonderful to have around again.
Fortunately she has actually finally accepted that she is OK. An enforced week off has worked wonders. It was lovely to see her drawing, writing, reading again.
Her best friend is doing far more work than she is, due to a parental/tutorial regime. Fortunately the school are also helping me out by telling her that she has no problems with passing and that she is daft to even consider failure.
Obviously the head teacher knows far more than me and she seems to believe him.
I am highly relieved, a smiling, laughing daughter is wonderful to have around again.
Moving,
I too would negotiate a time table but ultimately I'd let her work at a pace she is comfortable with. It sounds as though she's on the right track to be offered her first choice but don't forget, teenagers have a terrible habit of throwing things back in your face, and in years to come, you don't want it to all be your fault if things don't go to her plan.
On a more positive note, it may be that CCHS would be a good choice for your DD. Our DD has just started at CCHS and my first impression suggests that being a motivated 11 year old girl is not that unusual! Fortunately the school seems very aware that the pupils can overdo it, the Deputy Head has already had a chat with parents about discouraging "perfectionists" from pouring unnecessarily over their work and I'm relieved to report that things have begun on a very relaxed footing for us .
Lulu
I too would negotiate a time table but ultimately I'd let her work at a pace she is comfortable with. It sounds as though she's on the right track to be offered her first choice but don't forget, teenagers have a terrible habit of throwing things back in your face, and in years to come, you don't want it to all be your fault if things don't go to her plan.
On a more positive note, it may be that CCHS would be a good choice for your DD. Our DD has just started at CCHS and my first impression suggests that being a motivated 11 year old girl is not that unusual! Fortunately the school seems very aware that the pupils can overdo it, the Deputy Head has already had a chat with parents about discouraging "perfectionists" from pouring unnecessarily over their work and I'm relieved to report that things have begun on a very relaxed footing for us .
Lulu
Thanks Lulu
Hopefully she will get everything she wants. She is happier and more relaxed after her enforced week off. I don't plan to extend it, just to remind her that there is still plenty of time and that she is well on track.
Glad your daughter is enjoying herself. I, too, think that CCHS will suit her personality: broad, outgoing and driven.
Good night
Hopefully she will get everything she wants. She is happier and more relaxed after her enforced week off. I don't plan to extend it, just to remind her that there is still plenty of time and that she is well on track.
Glad your daughter is enjoying herself. I, too, think that CCHS will suit her personality: broad, outgoing and driven.
Good night
managing the perfectionist
Not know if it's too late but though I'd share my DDs experience. She too is in the shadow of her brother and cousin who passed well last year. She is bright but lacks confidence in her own ability. Two things I wished I'd said to her - at break go to the toilet even if you don't need it and don't expect to get more than half the questions - they're meant to be too difficult to compelte. Had I done this she may not have been so upset at the time lost by going to the toilet and may not have exited in tears. Hindsight is a great thing but it only dawned on me afterwards that the perfectionsit will panic if they're not hitting 90% in the actual test which in her case caused a minor (fingers crossed) meltdown.
