A grammar vs. independent dilemma

[laurenceneville]

My son didn't achieve quite the result his mocks, year of hard work and teachers anticipated. He didn't qualify for Pate's, which was his goal. Given his ranking, he has a possible chance at a place at the Crypt and a likely place at Marling.
The dilemma is this. He's academically bright but lacks confidence and is an extremely sensitive boy. He has no male friends - he has always been adamant he didn't want to go to a boys school (Marling was added to our selection just because he did his test there). His happiness is the priority so that rules Marling out.
We visited the Crypt a few times and he had a taster day there. It will be co-ed from next year. I have followed numerous threads here about pastoral care at the Crypt and heard some glowing reports. But during our visits the school felt much too 'rough n' tumble' for him and we've heard some horror stories that, while anecdotal, fill us with dread: we know our son will be vulnerable because of his personality. I know things will change with the entry of girls but our gut instinct is that it isn't right for him.
That means that independent schools have to come into play. Most are out of the question price wise: King's and St Edwards are the most likely and both have the small class sizes that are likely to benefit him. Should we just accept that because he's so sensitive and requires an especially nurturing environment (if he is to fulfil his academic potential) we should aim for independents? Or should we, assuming he is offered a place, send him to the Crypt and (if the worst happens) move him after a year?

[pixiequeen]

I do wonder if the real issue here is your son's lack of confidence. I appreciate that a decision about schools needs to be made soon but you can list Crypt first on your caf but still apply for independents and make your decision in March.

My eldest DD lacked confidence and we always just put this down to her particular personality until this summer when a chance comment from her made us take a long hard look at her, ourselves, and how our family works. We have reversed many of her issues in a short space of time and things continue to improve. She is 17. If you feel your son lacks confidence please consider tackling it sooner rather than later.

[laurenceneville]

I do wonder if the real issue here is your son's lack of confidence. I appreciate that a decision about schools needs to be made soon but you can list Crypt first on your caf but still apply for independents and make your decision in March.

My eldest DD lacked confidence and we always just put this down to her particular personality until this summer when a chance comment from her made us take a long hard look at her, ourselves, and how our family works. We have reversed many of her issues in a short space of time and things continue to improve. She is 17. If you feel your son lacks confidence please consider tackling it sooner rather than later.

Yes, you're right. Lack of confidence is the main issue. And yes, we can put the Crypt top of the list and see what happens in March. We've been working with his school for the past three years to help improve his self-esteem and he has come on leaps and bounds - there's no way he would have been able to sit the 11+ a year ago, let alone qualify for two schools. However, the result has showed that there is still some way to go. But now his head and class teacher are saying that nurture has to come first and that consequently independent is the way to go.

[Amber]

If your son lacks confidence I think you should be glad he missed the Pate's score as it is not the environment for such children in my view and experience. Pixie queen is right about filling in the CAF anyway and looking at what you can get for your money in the private sector meanwhile.

May I ask if the head teacher who suggests that independent is the way to go is also the head of an independent or is this a state school?

I will try to PM you later on or tomorrow - working to a deadline tonight but I will get back to you. Look out for the PM sign!

[laurenceneville]

If your son lacks confidence I think you should be glad he missed the Pate's score as it is not the environment for such children in my view and experience. Pixie queen is right about filling in the CAF anyway and looking at what you can get for your money in the private sector meanwhile.

May I ask if the head teacher who suggests that independent is the way to go is also the head of an independent or is this a state school?

I will try to PM you later on or tomorrow - working to a deadline tonight but I will get back to you. Look out for the PM sign!

The reason Pates was top of the list was because it was the school he felt most relaxed visiting and had the most rapport with students: he's smart and could handle the academic side- it's the social side that we're most worried about.
I've PM'ed you about the head info.
To be honest, we're a bit annoyed with his school because they've spent the past year telling us that grammar will work for him - and now they're saying the opposite.

[Watermelon8]

My DD is not the most confident child & y6 at primary seemed to suck the life out of him. He was ill for part of y6 plus had become totally demotivated. Crypt has been wonderful for him! He has found nice friends like him, has completely got his enthusiasm back for learning & loves school. We couldn't be happier & he's certainly had no issues with 'rough & tumble' there.

[Kaybee]

Gosh what a tricky decision. I agree with the others that you have nothing to lose by putting Crypt on your CAF form and seeing if he gets a place. In the meantime, you could take a look at the Independent schools. It may be that the Crypt is able to support him and it may well be the right school for him. If it's not you could move him. Would any of his friends be going? I have a friend that moved her DS twice from independent schools and she is now settled at a comprehensive. I guess the reality is that although we may have a sense of what school will suit our children, we don't really know until they get there.

Good luck with your decision x

[Guest55]

I'd go with Crypt - there's no evidence that Private schools are better with pastoral issues.

[Watermelon8]

I'd go with Crypt - there's no evidence that Private schools are better with pastoral issues.

I'd agree. Know a child being bullied at a local private sch (& not the 1st I've heard of there). It's been really difficult for the victim's family as sch seemed quite reluctant to really tackle it. Looking at it cynically would the child have been expelled if the school was not relying on their (& siblings) fees!?

[DC17C]

Hi I had a similar dilemma with my son a few years ago...we looked at Kings which Ds liked a lot but in the end he was offered a place at Crypt and has been fine there....more than that he has thrived despite not really being being a great fan of school as a concept...he had a small group of friends which he took time to find and gradually his confidence and self esteem have developed. We have had to access some support from SEN team as Ds has dyspraxia and some health issues and the school have always been helpful. It is difficult to really get a full picture of a school from an open day / evening...
.