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 Post subject: Need some reassurance...
PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 8:19 am 
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In the way of the world, a few of the mums whose sons are close friends with my DS kept very tight lipped about which schools they were putting on the CAF, a few insisting they were going to choose our local comp over the Grammars despite their sons having passed the test. So my family decided not to be swayed by other peoples' choices and we let my son choose Pate's over Tommies as he loved the school and it is much nearer to us. Now that the CAF forms have been submitted, it turns out that ALL my sons' closest friends (four of them) have actually put Tommies down first. With the benefit of hindsight I wish I had asked them to be more forthcoming about their choices but I do appreciate it's a private decision and everyone is entitled to keep it like that. My DS is not 'guaranteed' a place at Pate's being outside of PAN but based on previous years will probably get one. But I am now tearing myself up at the thought that his friends will all be going on to big school together and getting the bus together and will be local to us and not at his school.
I have to detach my own feelings from it too which are that I feel a little hoodwinked and may well have swayed my son towards Tommies if I had known the full story.
I guess I am looking for some reassurance that he will be fine despite this (he is outgoing and friendly so I have no doubt he will make new friends but will they live in Cirencester and Swindon rather than round the corner?!). Does anyone have similar experience?
Thank you.


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 8:21 am 
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Joined: Fri Sep 15, 2006 8:51 am
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I am sure he will be fine and TBH probably needs some new close friends!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:10 am 
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Just anecdotes for you but hopefully will be reassuring.
Dd went to her secondary school with 3 friends whom she'd been close to since reception (my dc's primary school has an intake of 20 so they were all quite close). She's now in year 10 and she has barely seen them since they started in year 7; they chat when they bump into each other but she has very lovely friends whom she met at secondary school.
Ds went with one friend and I felt quite strongly that they should ask to be in separate forms but they'd been best friends since age 2 and ds was adamant they wanted to be in the same form. They have now not spoken for months and it was quite hard for ds who wanted to maintain the friendship whilst his friend wanted to move on. However ds spends a lot of time still with a friend who went to a different secondary school.
I think that there are big advantages to separating at this age. Friends who have known you since you were 4 ( or younger) know a certain version of you. This is a great time to make friends with people who like the 11 year old you rather than the 4 year old version.
If you'd encouraged him to choose the school all his friends were choosing and then they'd stopped being friends, he (and you) might have regretted that other school.
He'll make great new friends and maybe those others will stay "out of school" friends (which are lovely to have too!)


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:26 am 
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And by sixth form (I know these two schools very well), they are all mixing with each other at clubs and parties anyway. While that seems light years away now, it goes by very quickly, I can assure you. DS1 has friends from pretty much all the grammar schools and non-grammar schools in the area, and DS2 is now finding that his social circle, which was pretty wide anyway through out of school activities, now includes some of the people he hasn't seen since primary school. It is really good to have friends from other schools.

And would you really have chosen Tommies had you known? I don't think so - from the very beginning you were keen on Pates. I don't think the friend thing should change something you felt was right, and deep down I don't think you would have. He will be fine. :)


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:40 am 
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hermanmunster wrote:
I am sure he will be fine and TBH probably needs some new close friends!


Thank you


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:41 am 
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loobylou wrote:
Just anecdotes for you but hopefully will be reassuring.
Dd went to her secondary school with 3 friends whom she'd been close to since reception (my dc's primary school has an intake of 20 so they were all quite close). She's now in year 10 and she has barely seen them since they started in year 7; they chat when they bump into each other but she has very lovely friends whom she met at secondary school.
Ds went with one friend and I felt quite strongly that they should ask to be in separate forms but they'd been best friends since age 2 and ds was adamant they wanted to be in the same form. They have now not spoken for months and it was quite hard for ds who wanted to maintain the friendship whilst his friend wanted to move on. However ds spends a lot of time still with a friend who went to a different secondary school.
I think that there are big advantages to separating at this age. Friends who have known you since you were 4 ( or younger) know a certain version of you. This is a great time to make friends with people who like the 11 year old you rather than the 4 year old version.
If you'd encouraged him to choose the school all his friends were choosing and then they'd stopped being friends, he (and you) might have regretted that other school.
He'll make great new friends and maybe those others will stay "out of school" friends (which are lovely to have too!)


All good points I hadn't thought of so thank you for that - I feel better now!


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PostPosted: Sat Nov 04, 2017 9:43 am 
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Amber wrote:
And by sixth form (I know these two schools very well), they are all mixing with each other at clubs and parties anyway. While that seems light years away now, it goes by very quickly, I can assure you. DS1 has friends from pretty much all the grammar schools and non-grammar schools in the area, and DS2 is now finding that his social circle, which was pretty wide anyway through out of school activities, now includes some of the people he hasn't seen since primary school. It is really good to have friends from other schools.

And would you really have chosen Tommies had you known? I don't think so - from the very beginning you were keen on Pates. I don't think the friend thing should change something you felt was right, and deep down I don't think you would have. He will be fine. :)


You're right Amber I have been happy to have Pate's in the mix but that was before I realised the friendship issue - but as you and others have said they will find a way to stay in touch if they want to, and if they don't want to then they haven't been forced together. It's out of my hands now but thank you to everyone for the replies I do feel better.


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 6:44 pm 
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Joined: Thu May 18, 2017 9:35 am
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I think you definitely made the right decision - making your choice from your own family's best interests and NOT what his friends are doing.

I went up to Ribston with 2 other girls from my school - one was my BEST friend (!) and the other was in my friendship group. They split us up into 3 different tutor groups, and I didn't speak to them again after the first couple of weeks, until after I left at 6th form! My 'best friend' made a new friend in her class that didn't like me and she told her not to be friends with me anymore, so thats exactly what happened! It wasn't until I had my first child that we got back in touch and are now very close friends again! So I wouldn't worry about that in the slightest, he can still keep in touch I'm sure if he feels like he wants to, but I guarantee he will make new friends instantly and not be concerned with keeping in touch, at least not in the early days.

It must feel very frustrating to have been given such dud information, but as no-one really knows where they are going until March its difficult to use that info anyway - for example, unless all 4 of them were within PAN its possible that they might not even GET Tommies anyway.

On another, slightly selfish, plus - I put Pates as 1st choice for my DD so I'm glad to 'meet' someone else who my DD and I might come across over the next year or so :lol: Fingers crossed we get what we want!!!

PS regards the whole 'friends from Ciren and Swindon rather than just round the corner' - I have the same reservations and part of me wondered if I should push her for HSFG for that very reason but we looked at all pros and cons and in the end, she was adamant that she wanted Pates and she fully understood the implications re friendships and actually she's really looking forward to a fresh start, and not knowing anyone etc. She's looking forward to using the school bus as a social jolly as she know she probably won't spend much time with friends outside of school, but she doesn't do that at the moment anyway so she's doesn't know what she would be missing out on. I've suggested to her in the future perhaps she could pop to Chelt town with her friends (providing they don't need to catch a school bus) after school every now and then and I can go pick her up later on or she can get the 94 back to Glos.

Hope you feel better about it - we do put so much pressure on ourselves don't we?


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 7:06 pm 
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smileandsparkle wrote:
I think you definitely made the right decision - making your choice from your own family's best interests and NOT what his friends are doing.

I went up to Ribston with 2 other girls from my school - one was my BEST friend (!) and the other was in my friendship group. They split us up into 3 different tutor groups, and I didn't speak to them again after the first couple of weeks, until after I left at 6th form! My 'best friend' made a new friend in her class that didn't like me and she told her not to be friends with me anymore, so thats exactly what happened! It wasn't until I had my first child that we got back in touch and are now very close friends again! So I wouldn't worry about that in the slightest, he can still keep in touch I'm sure if he feels like he wants to, but I guarantee he will make new friends instantly and not be concerned with keeping in touch, at least not in the early days.

It must feel very frustrating to have been given such dud information, but as no-one really knows where they are going until March its difficult to use that info anyway - for example, unless all 4 of them were within PAN its possible that they might not even GET Tommies anyway.

On another, slightly selfish, plus - I put Pates as 1st choice for my DD so I'm glad to 'meet' someone else who my DD and I might come across over the next year or so :lol: Fingers crossed we get what we want!!!

PS regards the whole 'friends from Ciren and Swindon rather than just round the corner' - I have the same reservations and part of me wondered if I should push her for HSFG for that very reason but we looked at all pros and cons and in the end, she was adamant that she wanted Pates and she fully understood the implications re friendships and actually she's really looking forward to a fresh start, and not knowing anyone etc. She's looking forward to using the school bus as a social jolly as she know she probably won't spend much time with friends outside of school, but she doesn't do that at the moment anyway so she's doesn't know what she would be missing out on. I've suggested to her in the future perhaps she could pop to Chelt town with her friends (providing they don't need to catch a school bus) after school every now and then and I can go pick her up later on or she can get the 94 back to Glos.

Hope you feel better about it - we do put so much pressure on ourselves don't we?


Thanks SmileandSparkle that's good to hear and I have spent the weekend feeling much more assured that we did the right thing, especially as my DS is convinced the order of schools we applied for is right for him. Thta's what matters isn't it? Hope we all get the outcomes we're hoping for in March!


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PostPosted: Sun Nov 05, 2017 7:15 pm 
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Echo what has been said above. DD1 went to 2ndry with her best friend and 2 others. The 'BF' could not have done more to isolate DD, having decided to re-invent herself. It did not work in the end, but it destroyed DD's year 7 and 8 experience. Her parents were also in the 'cards close to chest' group and I guess the daughter mirrored it. Vile. DD2 went to the same school as the only one from her primary. Result could not have been more different. Socially it has been a blissful experience for her and a part of that is not being encumbered by the vile off spring of vile parents who she had already spent 7 years with (albeit of course that it not how I would have seen it at the time). If DS is happy and it is what you think is best, keep happy and wave them goodbye, 'friends' like that are not friends, and moving on knowing you are making the right decision for you and your child, rather than following a group who have chosen to exclude you, is a great idea.

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