Siblings at different schools, affect their relationship?

[Middlesexmum]

I keep changing my view about schools for dd2 who is currently in Year 5 at a state primary.

My oldest dd is in Year 7 at St Helen's and very happy, it's definitely the right school for her. For financial reasons we might have preferred WGGS but we knew there was only a low chance of her getting a place being in the outer catchment. But having said that, we have been so happy with St Helen's so far I can really see what we are paying for.

Dd2 is very strong academically and as well as St Helen's, we will also consider Habs, NLCS, Henrietta Barnett and WGGS. I used to think that it would be good for dd2 being at a different school so she can shine without being in her big sister's shadow. But I now think she will shine anyway in her own way as they are so different. They are close in age (21 months apart) and have always been very close, although at the moment there seems like a big age gap!

In a way I like the idea of them being at the same school and it will be nice for them getting the coach together, discussing teachers, clubs etc. If dd2 ends up at a different school, they will barely see each other as they will both have long days at school and possibly different holidays.

I do wonder what we'd do if dd2 got a place at HBS for example, would we take it over St Helen's? And I worry that she might be resentful in years to come that we pay for dd1 but not for her.

At the moment, dd2 loves the idea of St Helen's but that's largely because she's a bit fed up at primary school and is looking forward to the challenges of secondary school. But she's also open to the idea of other schools. We've been to quite a few open days already and will revisit the schools in the autumn term.

But seeing as there is really only a little time between offers going out and accepting a place, I think I should give some thought to this now.

[daisyduke]

Hi middlesexmum, this is a tricky one isn't it. Lots of my friends have chosen different schools for each of their children, basing each choice entirely on what was the best fit for each child, and I guess if you can manage it logistically and financially, that sounds ideal. It sounds like both your daughters are plenty intelligent enough to join in the debate with you, by visiting the schools and deciding which is best for DS2, and how that will affect their time together. If a state school turns out to be the best fit for her, then she'll have to work out if she feels 'short-changed' in any way (eg over the shorter summer holidays) and how to make that work for her (eg doing all her favourite things in the 1st week that she is off).
I was worried that my DS and DD, only 14 months apart (oops), would grow further apart as they're at different schools now, but actually it is really nice that they have their own worlds during the day, and connect in the evenings and at weekends, and to be honest even if they were at the same school, it would only be the journey to school they'd share, as all lessons, clubs etc would be different and probably different journey times home. Secondary is such a different ballgame altogether!
Good luck with your choices, I'm sure by talking and thinking as a family you'll reach the right place x

[West Kent Mum]

We are in similar positions with our two DS so I would also be interested in hearing your thoughts about this.

DS1 is in local SS and for less-academic DS2 (in Yr5 now) we are considering an indie senior school which is located some distance away. The boys are very close and I do not want to harm their relationship but at the same time we want to give each of them the education best suited to their personality and ability. I feel it is going to be a tricky one to solve...

[Yummiemummie]

Yes it is a tricky one. My parents selected different schools for me and my sister, me state school, my sister inde. Didn't bother me then and doesn't now.
I have a DS and a DD and wanted single sex so no dilemma in this household. So far its worked well even with one boarding and one not.

[fairyelephant]

It's probably not as tricky for those of us with dd/ds combos as it is for the op with two dds. However, my dd did not pass for henrietta Barnett and we are hoping for a selective indie for her. If ds (year 5 now) passed for Latymer then we might send him there til he was 16 at least. Yes she would have the more expensive education, but he would have the kudos of passing for a top notch grammar! In practice we are unlikely to have that option and will just go without in order to provide the same for him. At the end of the day it all depends on what offers you are actually made, for dd and ds. If he doesn't get the offers it could be indie for her, local comp for him (he is summer baby and still catching up.....). If she doesn't get offers they will probably both go to local comp. There is only so much you can control at the end of the day.....

[Greenleaf]

I have two girls who get on well and I think my preference is to go to school together. They are very different personalities.

My reason - my brother and I went to different schools and I felt we grew apart during our teenage years and only really got that back in adulthood. That might be entirely usual, but I think knowing the same people, going to same school events etc would give you more in common.

It's not a scientific analysis though! Good luck in your decision-making!

[serendippyty]

I have four children currently at three different schools, potentially at four different ones next year. I don't think it has any bearing on their relationships as at secondary school, siblings do not see much of one another really.

[aliportico]

Out of my 4, the eldest 3 are at different schools, and the youngest is still home educated. The oldest two are both girls, and *for dd2* it was really incredibly good for her to be out of dd1's shadow. I had no idea how much she felt she was in it. The four of them are very close now, and dd1 and dd2's relationship is better than ever.

[scary mum]

I have four children currently at three different schools, potentially at four different ones next year. I don't think it has any bearing on their relationships as at secondary school, siblings do not see much of one another really.

It didn't really enter in to it for me - I wanted to find the right school for each child. By chance they are now all at the same school - our catchment grammar. DS2 could have attended a different grammar but either was a good fit and so we sent him to the same one as his siblings. It is nice from a practical point of view, but they don't have much to do with each other at school or even on the school bus. I would say it gives them something in common, but not much else. Of course the indie vs state is another angle...

[Long Journey]

My DDs are at different primaries, so not exactly your situation, but yes I do think that it does affect their relationship a bit. Not that they grow completely apart or anything, but they have very little common ground when talking about school. For example they cannot share rants about teachers (as they have no knowledge or experience of the other's), complain about some new school rule or issue, update each other on school gossip, know each others friends and enemies etc. I suppose my sisters and I spent a lot of time bonding over shared complaints about school so I feel they're missing out. But I feel it was still the right decision to send DD2 to her primary.