One in independent school and the other not... Help?

[fairyelephant]

With just two children I think sometimes that can amplify any difference in treatment. I sent DD to an independent last year knowing our huge but very good local comp absolutely terrified her and sensing that the atmosphere at the indie was a much better fit. It's been a huge success so far but of course you never get to live the other option which could very well have turned out just fine in the end. Going through the whole thing again this year with DS it was not as clear cut - he's a much more robust and confident child (although similar academically to DD) but we have chosen to send him to another local indie which he was delighted to have won a place at. It just didn't seem fair not to offer him the same opportunities/spend. The guilt of having done it for DD then thinking DS might not get a place this year was enough! You have to judge it based on your own family set up I guess, and to a certain extent you must have done so when you entered your DS for St Albans. I hope it all works out.

[Yamin151]

Just taking the whole saga one stage further ... university is awfully expensive .

if one kid wanted to go and the other didn't - what would you do ?
Support the one that went or don't support them because you don't aren't supporting the other?

Why does university come into it? Wh have no intention of funding our children through university and fail to understand why others do, although of course you do what you like with your money. .

The maximum loan my kids can get to go to university covers about 50% of the accommodation fee, so nowt for travel / books etc etc. OK some kids can earn some to help but still there is a deficit.

Not sure how old your kids are but I didn't twig how small the loan was until first one was in year 13.

My nephew is at university and has no help financially from his parents. His loan covers most, he gets a small subsistence grant I believe, from the government, he has to earn the rest, and does so. He is canny with money and an absolute credit to his parents. Completely agree it's a bit scary, and as my parents did with me, the regular appearance of a 'red cross parcel' of food, and the odd textbook etc would not be beyond most of us, but surely there must be a way of getting through medical school if you are not from parents who have money to pay all your costs? Terrible injustice and imbalance if not!

[Amber]

My nephew is at university and has no help financially from his parents. His loan covers most, he gets a small subsistence grant I believe, from the government, he has to earn the rest, and does so. He is canny with money and an absolute credit to his parents. Completely agree it's a bit scary, and as my parents did with me, the regular appearance of a 'red cross parcel' of food, and the odd textbook etc would not be beyond most of us, but surely there must be a way of getting through medical school if you are not from parents who have money to pay all your costs? Terrible injustice and imbalance if not!

I have several sets of close friends whose DC (multiple DC, multiple birth in one case!) are at uni and like your nephew, get nothing much from parents except food parcels, meals out when parents visit and the odd one-off small handout. One is doing Medicine and one Dentistry. All but one of the DC have jobs which they carry on in the holidays - and one of them took a year out and worked full time so that she could have a bit extra. None of them runs a car or buys expensive clothes and only one I can think of drinks. The parents in one case agreed to pay accommodation costs in the first year.

Perhaps I am being woefully naive, but I have no intention of shelling out thousands in the direction of my lot if and when they head off to the ivory towers. Mainly because I don't have it, but also because I don't think parents should sacrifice their own lives for the sake of their adult children.

[Yamin151]

My nephew is at university and has no help financially from his parents. His loan covers most, he gets a small subsistence grant I believe, from the government, he has to earn the rest, and does so. He is canny with money and an absolute credit to his parents. Completely agree it's a bit scary, and as my parents did with me, the regular appearance of a 'red cross parcel' of food, and the odd textbook etc would not be beyond most of us, but surely there must be a way of getting through medical school if you are not from parents who have money to pay all your costs? Terrible injustice and imbalance if not!

I have several sets of close friends whose DC (multiple DC, multiple birth in one case!) are at uni and like your nephew, get nothing much from parents except food parcels, meals out when parents visit and the odd one-off small handout. One is doing Medicine and one Dentistry. All but one of the DC have jobs which they carry on in the holidays - and one of them took a year out and worked full time so that she could have a bit extra. None of them runs a car or buys expensive clothes and only one I can think of drinks. The parents in one case agreed to pay accommodation costs in the first year.

Perhaps I am being woefully naive, but I have no intention of shelling out thousands in the direction of my lot if and when they head off to the ivory towers. Mainly because I don't have it, but also because I don't think parents should sacrifice their own lives for the sake of their adult children.

I couldn't agree more Amber. I am looking forward to sipping gin and tonics in st tropez two weeks after they leave home! Well, for gin and tonic read tesco basics vodka and for st tropez read weson super mare, but hey, you get the picture!

Seriously though, last poster terrified me so very very glad to hear that there are students out there doing such a fab job of being largely self supportive. I certainly worked through each of my holidays doing any old job so long as it boosted the finances. Sometimes two jobs. Oh for that energy now! But in response to last poster, I went and did student calculation and the subsistence grant came out at 400 to 600 per month. Not a fab amount but leaves room for earning the rest, with help of a few food parcels, and avoiding all neck nominations or whatever they are called!
Thanks for a reassuring post. I'll keep the leopard skin bikini on order then........

[rebz]

I am o glad for the last 2 posts! After the original comment about Uni loans I texted DH, horrified as I thought I'd got it badly wrong and would be paying out for years to come.

Back to OP, I have ummed and aahed about replying
I am very much in the 'treat all children alike' category. I have 4 and No 1 (dd) is in yr 6 and fortunately for us has done very well in DAO. This was our and her 1st choice.
And the sibling policy is very nice

However she did get a positive response from Latymer (Edmonton) and I did feel that she should be given the choice which to put first. She stuck with DAO.

My DCs are currently in inde schools, and both DH and I would love for all 4 to go thru til yr 6. However the 'grey cloud' that went from above DH head when DD got her DAO rank shows how much of a financial burden inde education can be.
I understand doing best for our DC but as others have pointed out, all aspects need to be considered.

[eal238]

Hallelujah! Others who agree!! I always feel somewhat terrible when I hear of people 'saving to send their children to university', I feel like a terrible parent. All of my children have savings accounts, but these are not for university, these are so that I don't have to worry if a situation ever arises where they do desperately require my help!

My parents helped my sister at university, modestly - she was definitely not bank rolled and she had to budget with her student loans/get a part time job to support herself.

I'm nearly 30 and I'm now studying an OU degree - I've had to take out a student loan etc, but even though my parents helped out with my sister at age 18, I wouldn't dream of requesting they help me out now that I'm studying for a degree on the basis that they helped her 12 years ago.. To be honest, I think they'd laugh at me

So no, aside from making sure my children can eat adequately, perhaps a bus/travel pass and a school book or two, my children will be putting themselves through university - how much is a parent expected to sacrifice for their children these days?

Regarding my children now, I will treat each on an individual basis - whatever I invest in them in various different aspects, it will all even itself out in the grand scheme of things because I love them all equally, but I don't believe in 'one for all' as they are individuals with different needs.

[southbucks3]

I will help them a bit, just as I would doubtless subsidise their living costs if they stayed under my roof until they were 21 but agreed that the career choices they make, and he those choices effect them financially at 18 are their own to sort out really, if they can't work to help themselves through uni...then they can't want to go that much. I had every vile job under the sun, and some very nice ones during my years at uni, o I have a high horse precedent to nag them with!
Certainly would not expect to throw over 100k at any individual child to get through uni, and that is how much we are talking school fees for 7 years at a top indie.

[Proud_Dad]

Hi - I have two boys, aged 11 and 13. My youngest was just offered a place at St Albans, and we couldn't be happier and are so proud of the hard work he put in to get there. His older brother, while talented in many ways, didn't have quite the academic skills and is at Verulam where he is doing quite well.

In order to send the youngest to an independent school, the family is going to make some serious financial sacrifices. The eldest is very proud of his younger brother, but I am concerned he might resent the financial commitment we will be pushing towards our youngest.

Am I worrying too much? Any advice?

Have you thought about what you might have done if things had been different and the eldest had been offered a place 2 years ago? Would you have paid for him to go to the indie at the time, regardless of what might happen with your youngest 2 years down the line?

What would you then have done if your youngest had also then passed (as he did). Would you have found a way to pay for them both to go? If yes, then I would suggest investing whatever money you would have paid for your eldest into a savings account that he can use when he's older for University, house deposit, travel etc.

Or is there no way you could have afforded for them both to go? If so what would you have done if your youngest had passed and the eldest was already there? Kept the eldest on at indie and sent the youngest to comp or taken the eldest out of the indie?

It seems wrong to me to invest in one more than the other, unless one of them has a distinct disadvantage (like a disability) which means they need additional help and support.

[CandyCrush]

My sister enjoyed an independent education and I went to a comprehensive. Whilst I was accepting of this at the time, the resentment built up in adulthood.

If your youngest takes the independent route, the eldest should be offered financial assistance later on in his life.

Best of luck in making your decision.

[Yamin151]

My sister enjoyed an independent education and I went to a comprehensive. Whilst I was accepting of this at the time, the resentment built up in adulthood.

If your youngest takes the independent route, the eldest should be offered financial assistance later on in his life.

Best of luck in making your decision.

Does this not assume that the child in indie is getting a better education? Assuming the OP is pleased with the school choice for dc1, and dc1 is flourishing, what problem is there if the choice for dc2 is an indie? Assuming they can keep food on the table. I don't think this is about giving MORE advantage to dc2, but about choosing the right school for the right child.