Siblings at Different Schools

[CPM1771]

I'm looking for some advice from parents who have had to go through this. DS1 at super selective, DS2 has just missed, but has other good offers one of which is actually probably the right school for him anyway. He's taking it well, but is naturally upset. It wasn't a punt, he really should have got in and looks like he had a bad day. He so looks up to big brother. How does this turn out in the end ? What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right ?

Any hints and tips ?

[Daogroupie]

At the moment the only secondary school he can imagine is the one that his elder brother is at. But he will find his own tune and his own friends and as you say his school will suit him better. Try and get him there as often as you can, go to concerts, sport fixtures and drama productions until he feels that it really is his school. Ask the school if they can pass your details onto other parents who have sons who will be going there and try and meet up. DG

[Guest55]

He won't be in his brother's shadow ... some teachers do compare siblings and it is wrong.

[Daogroupie]

They certainly do. DD2 used to sometimes be called XXXXX's sister at primary school by some of the teachers and TAs. DG

[Finchley mum]

I have some experience of this. DD1 at Habs Girls, DS botched 11 plus interview (despite being up for music scholarship at Habs Boys and generally considered brighter than DD1 by teachers at primary) and is in local boys comprehensive (not Finchley Catholic High!). We did have some teething problems with DS - but actually its working out ok. We were worried that the comp did not have enough music but DS goes to great youth orchestra on Saturday morning where he does ensemble, orchestra and music theory lessons (Its called YMC in NW11 - highly recommend it) so that is less of an issue. Sport is great although standard a tad high so he doesn't make the football team. Teaching seems to be good at both schools (English teacher at comp has given him To Kill a Mockingbird as extension reading and he has to do chapter reviews for her on top of normal homework which she marks) and interestingly, they are both predicted A* and As. Good peer group in comp as well - some really bright boys there so DS cannot coast but doubt he had the maturity to cope with what Habs Boys would have thrown at him from day 1.

DD2 aged 7 now also wants her "own" school for secondary!

Its funny how things generally work out ok even if you don't get what you want or what you think you want.

[Yamin151]

My twins at different schools. One in GS other on scholarship at indie. Has been brilliant, ok, not logistically, they are each half an hour from home.....in opposite directions! But worth it completely as they are both happy after spending primary in a tiny school where the other pupils all compared them, although it was great in the early days, as they got older it became more problematic. Now they each have their own friends and interests at the schools and are building a school career without comparisons and as individuals. It's great.

[copella]

My eldest is at a comp and youngest at a grammar school. The eldest was unhappy at first as he thought it reflected badly on him, plus our local comp was not that great. He used to tell his friends his brother went to another local comp. however time has made it easier to accept. We have made sure he has as many similar opportunities as his brother by enrolling him into out of school activities, we have sung the praises of each boy especially in areas they do well in and given the eldest extra support where he has needed it. Taking his gcses last year,doing relatively well and being able to move to a much better school has made the eldest more confident and as they are growing up they have different interests. It wasn't easy but it gets easier.

[JamesDean]

DS goes to an all boys school, so DD has no hope of following him there!
Not that she would ever want to follow in his footsteps through choice

JD

[DebsB]

My twins at different schools. One in GS other on scholarship at indie. Has been brilliant, ok, not logistically, they are each half an hour from home.....in opposite directions! But worth it completely as they are both happy after spending primary in a tiny school where the other pupils all compared them, although it was great in the early days, as they got older it became more problematic. Now they each have their own friends and interests at the schools and are building a school career without comparisons and as individuals. It's great.

Interesting, Yamin. Did you choose to send them separately, or did things work out differently for them in the 11+ and/or indie scholarship exams?

I was at a different school from my brothers - both schools were single sex. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if their school had been co-ed and I'd followed them and been the fourth one of a chain of siblings rather than an individual with no precedent. I think I'd probably have done fine either way.

My DD won't be joining her brother when she goes up to secondary in Sept. They're different people, with different strengths and needs and preferences, and the best school for him (which is where he goes) would only have been the second best school for her, so she'll be going elsewhere. When I phoned my dad to say she'd done well enough in her 11+ to be sure of a place, I told him I was pleased she'd done so well, but not sure about the being at different schools from each other aspect of it. He said straight away that he thought it would do them both a lot of good to be at different schools, and since I've thought it through, I've decided he's right.

CPM, I hope your DS2 can start feeling excited and positive about the school he will be going to, and finding things about it that he prefers to the place he missed out on. There are more families than you realise with kids at different schools. I was talking to a teenager just the other day who told me that one of her younger sisters is at the same school as her, but another one is somewhere else "because she wouldn't have liked it here and she probably wouldn't have got in anyway" and her youngest sister of all "has applied to my school but I'm not sure if she'll take the place if she's offered it, because she might decide to go somewhere different from any of us".

Good luck helping him through the disappointment.

[CPM1771]

Thank you very much for all of these. Really helpful.