motivating or nagging - where's the line?
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Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
Kiwi mum, that's a good idea, especially making a point of a complete day off. Think I'll make sure they have saturdays off. The checklist would definitely work for one of my sons and might work for the other. Worth a try, to save my vocal chords.
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
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Last edited by Belinda on Sat Nov 03, 2012 5:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
This comes with maturity! However some children never clap the Idea! My Ds is 15 this year and well you guessed it, too be fair though he does have dyslexia bless him!
here are some tips that helps my DD.
1. make sure it is what they want ask them about why they want to do it.
2. explain their is alot of compation out there so if they are serious they do need to practice it.
3. ask them to either helpyou to make a time table or to come up with one for when they would like to do it.
4. sometimes a contract helps you both sign it. maybe you could reward for every so often sessions they complete!
I find if they feel they are part of the planning it inspires them more due to the fact they are (think they are) in control of their learning and more likely to feel more relaxed!
I do feel because their ages alot of the time it is nagging but hopefully these ideas may reduce the nagging. We are all pretty much in the same boat! My biggest problem is none of my DD friends are doing the 11+ so she feels alone and I swear she thinks sometimes why do I have to do it, however luckily for me it is something she really wants to do so it does keep her focased most days.
good luck
Sarah
here are some tips that helps my DD.
1. make sure it is what they want ask them about why they want to do it.
2. explain their is alot of compation out there so if they are serious they do need to practice it.
3. ask them to either helpyou to make a time table or to come up with one for when they would like to do it.
4. sometimes a contract helps you both sign it. maybe you could reward for every so often sessions they complete!
I find if they feel they are part of the planning it inspires them more due to the fact they are (think they are) in control of their learning and more likely to feel more relaxed!
I do feel because their ages alot of the time it is nagging but hopefully these ideas may reduce the nagging. We are all pretty much in the same boat! My biggest problem is none of my DD friends are doing the 11+ so she feels alone and I swear she thinks sometimes why do I have to do it, however luckily for me it is something she really wants to do so it does keep her focased most days.
good luck
Sarah
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
And try really hard not the let work spill over into ordinary life. If you're reading a bedtime story, it's a stroyu, not a comprehension exercise.
When they're little, they don't notice if you sneak some maths into the baking of a cake, but they are much cannier at 10, and will resent it.
20 minutes concentrated, chocolate fuelled work then books shut, forgotten until the next day.
When they're little, they don't notice if you sneak some maths into the baking of a cake, but they are much cannier at 10, and will resent it.
20 minutes concentrated, chocolate fuelled work then books shut, forgotten until the next day.
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tokyonambu
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Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
How to land your kid in therapy, from The Atlantic this month
And yet, underlying all this parental angst is the hopeful belief that if we just make the right choices, that if we just do things a certain way, our kids will turn out to be not just happy adults, but adults that make us happy. This is a misguided notion, because while nurture certainly matters, it doesn’t completely trump nature, and different kinds of nurture work for different kinds of kids (which explains why siblings can have very different experiences of their childhoods under the same roof). We can expose our kids to art, but we can’t teach them creativity. We can try to protect them from nasty classmates and bad grades and all kinds of rejection and their own limitations, but eventually they will bump up against these things anyway. In fact, by trying so hard to provide the perfectly happy childhood, we’re just making it harder for our kids to actually grow up. Maybe we parents are the ones who have some growing up to do—and some letting go.
As Wendy Mogel likes to say, “Our children are not our masterpieces.”
Indeed. Recently, I noticed that one of my patients had, after a couple of sessions of therapy, started to seem uncomfortable. When I probed a bit, he admitted that he felt ambivalent about being in treatment. I asked why.
“My parents would feel like failures if they knew I was here,” he explained. “At the same time, maybe they’d be glad I’m here, because they just want me to be happy. So I’m not sure if they’d be relieved that I’ve come here to be happier, or disappointed that I’m not already happy.”
He paused and then asked, “Do you know what I mean?”
I nodded like a therapist, and then I answered like a parent who can imagine her son grappling with that very same question one day. “Yes,” I said to my patient. “I know exactly what you mean.”
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
Oooooooofffffff it's all so impossible isn't it. And mine haven't got beyond year 2 yet!! Ideally the child will turn into an adult who doesn't really care whether what they are doing will bother the parent or not, but will have other inner reasons (sound ones hopefully) for doing or not doing something. And maybe that's what's needed with the homework etc - I say idealistically.
School homework is kind of easy in this respect as if you have a school that enforces the doing of homework then there is a consequence for not doing it; it's not a parental nag that is then needed but maybe just a reminder of the school rule and the consequences, and a willing to let the child take the consequence. But if it's work with no immediate consequence (e.g. a school that doesn't enforce, or extra work that is not set by the school) then it can be soooooo tricky.
Sorry not to have the answers. There are some sensible children out there who will tell you what will motivate them and what "rules" and consequences and rewards to set at home. If all the siblings follow the same framework it can be easier. Mine will be impossible though. I think bedtime will turn out to be the best time for mine - their stomachs are full and their brains seem to operate better on a full stomach, and also they like anything that appears to be making bedtime later.
Comprehension questions on the books they are currently reading ........ I also would find it annoying to stop mid-flow. Maybe you could just ask them to let you know any words they don't understand fully while they are reading through and then you can jot them down without interrupting the flow and look them up afterwards - mine like to do it that way round. As for proper comprehension questions, they might like it if you type out the questions and they read the questions before they read the chapter, then they are kind of looking for the questions while they are reading. You can then leave it up to them whether they tell you their answers while they are reading through or once they have finished? Again mine like to do it like this - but only once in a while.
How do people feel about financial rewards - I'm not talking about large sums of money for passing exams, or for getting great marks. I'm talking about very small amounts frequently for doing an extra piece of work at home to help the child save up for something special they have decided on? Pocket money with some strings attached I guess I am thinking of.
School homework is kind of easy in this respect as if you have a school that enforces the doing of homework then there is a consequence for not doing it; it's not a parental nag that is then needed but maybe just a reminder of the school rule and the consequences, and a willing to let the child take the consequence. But if it's work with no immediate consequence (e.g. a school that doesn't enforce, or extra work that is not set by the school) then it can be soooooo tricky.
Sorry not to have the answers. There are some sensible children out there who will tell you what will motivate them and what "rules" and consequences and rewards to set at home. If all the siblings follow the same framework it can be easier. Mine will be impossible though. I think bedtime will turn out to be the best time for mine - their stomachs are full and their brains seem to operate better on a full stomach, and also they like anything that appears to be making bedtime later.
Comprehension questions on the books they are currently reading ........ I also would find it annoying to stop mid-flow. Maybe you could just ask them to let you know any words they don't understand fully while they are reading through and then you can jot them down without interrupting the flow and look them up afterwards - mine like to do it that way round. As for proper comprehension questions, they might like it if you type out the questions and they read the questions before they read the chapter, then they are kind of looking for the questions while they are reading. You can then leave it up to them whether they tell you their answers while they are reading through or once they have finished? Again mine like to do it like this - but only once in a while.
How do people feel about financial rewards - I'm not talking about large sums of money for passing exams, or for getting great marks. I'm talking about very small amounts frequently for doing an extra piece of work at home to help the child save up for something special they have decided on? Pocket money with some strings attached I guess I am thinking of.
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
I tend to get my DCs a small something after the 11 plus in the hope that they remember next time. I have a friend who puts a small amount of money (£1 I think) every time they do a paper or go to a tutor. Not sure how I feel about that one.
I have to say that I got fed up with nagging DD and it got to the point where I thought she had actually done a reasonable amount over the weeks so I held off a bit and I can't help but notice that she has done it a lot more willingly when she is self regulating although she does tend to exaggarate. Mind you, on Sunday she told me that she had worked ALL DAY on Saturday and she was feeling very self righteous. I pointed out that she hadn't started until after 3pm and was finished by the evening!!
I have to say that I got fed up with nagging DD and it got to the point where I thought she had actually done a reasonable amount over the weeks so I held off a bit and I can't help but notice that she has done it a lot more willingly when she is self regulating although she does tend to exaggarate. Mind you, on Sunday she told me that she had worked ALL DAY on Saturday and she was feeling very self righteous. I pointed out that she hadn't started until after 3pm and was finished by the evening!!
scary mum
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
I find it very hard with my DS (year 5) as most of his class mates are not doing the 11+ therefore they are out playing all day, on their bikes, etc.
I am being told by his teacher and his tutor that he is very much on the academic path but even though he would like to go to a good school (Watford Grammar or Parmiters) he doesn't want to do any additional efforts.
When I read how much your DCs are practicing I am scared, as mine is just doing one hour of tuition a week, and he does another 40 min of VB twice a week.
His teacher and the tutor are saying that he is doing really well and he has a fair chance to get a place at one of the two schools but I am stressed as I don't see him doing much work.
I am trying now the TO DO list, I made a list with tasks for each day of the week but he is still moaning as all his friends (that are not taking 11+) are playing outside everyday.
I am being told by his teacher and his tutor that he is very much on the academic path but even though he would like to go to a good school (Watford Grammar or Parmiters) he doesn't want to do any additional efforts.
When I read how much your DCs are practicing I am scared, as mine is just doing one hour of tuition a week, and he does another 40 min of VB twice a week.
His teacher and the tutor are saying that he is doing really well and he has a fair chance to get a place at one of the two schools but I am stressed as I don't see him doing much work.
I am trying now the TO DO list, I made a list with tasks for each day of the week but he is still moaning as all his friends (that are not taking 11+) are playing outside everyday.
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
If the tutor is experienced in tutoring pupils for those schools and has had a good instinct in the past for who will pass and who will fail it sounds as though you have no cause for concern. I'm sure it is perfectly possibly to be a child who can sail through it all without work. And he is doing something - he's doing an extra 100 mins per week if you take into account the tuition and the paper - that averages out at 20 mins per weekday which is enough to improve at something isn't it?
Re: motivating or nagging - where's the line?
Luna, I found it was the same when DS1 took the 11 plus last year...he had friends constantly asking him to play after school and I had to limit it to one day a week ( he went to clubs too ) otherwise he wouldn't have had time to do any prep...I did think to myself that after year 6 he probably wouldn't see these boys again anyway but I told him he could do whatever he wanted after school once the 11 plus was over and that seemed to satisfy him.I also told him that I knew for a fact the 2 other boys taking the 11 plus were working every day after school which was actually a big fat lie but he must have believed me because he never questioned it.
Yes, I use financial rewards.....little ditties...sweets....you name it, but it has the desired effect and my DC never hassle me for things and are always very grateful and thankful...
Yes, I use financial rewards.....little ditties...sweets....you name it, but it has the desired effect and my DC never hassle me for things and are always very grateful and thankful...
