what do you do when your daughter refuses to do anything?

[Ashka]

My daughter is sitting 11+ exam in the next round. I am trying to get her to prepare for it and asking her to do exam papers. She does do it sometimes with no fuss. But many times she refuses and actually say's she is not doing it and that I can't make her......... making my blood boil is an understatement. She will listen sometimes but she is begining to refuse more and more often. As you can imagine, we end up in major rows which splits the family.

My wife is constantly blaming me for arguing with her all the time (she says this in front of my daughter) and its like she is taking my daughters side almost to the point of comforting her like she is a victim. This strengthens by daughters refusal to study and she feels its ok to act they way she does. In the end my wife asks her and she does it.

This is creating huge arguments and a split in my family with my wife and daughter on one side and me on the other.

I don't discount that I can be pushy at times (trying to work and get my daughter to study is hard) and want my daughter to practice some papers before the exams. She is not doing huge amounts of work and refuses to read any books either. I have tried taking her electronic gadgets away from her as punishment but that doesn't work.

Although my wife wants her to go to a good school, I really am not convinced that she really is that bothered, although he does say she is. I am bothered and really want her to attend a good school.

What do I do?
How do I motivate my daughter to study for the exam?

[DC17C]

I can only say DIYing does not work for some children and families- my dd had 4 months with a tutor and it made all the difference to DD and she has now happily completed yr 7 at her GS. I DIYed with my DS and it was really hard - it only worked at all because he had a friend who came to join in the practise sessions but then the trickiest of things happened - the friend passed and DS failed the test. We have had a happy ending though as our appeal was upheld.

[hermanmunster]

agreed - kids are masters of being able to spot the weaknesses in parents.. your DD has you round your little finger and has also discovered "divide and rule". Migt be worth finding someone else to tutor her

[Daogroupie]

You need to make her want to go to a good school. Arrange to be around a bad school at the end of the school day which will make her want to work to avoid going there. We spent lots of time at our local school and my dd's thought it was awful and really did not want to go there. Food all lying around on the floor down the corridors, lots of damaged equipment, really disgusting graffiti in the toilets and on the workbenches in science. If your dd is interested in doing well at all she needs to understand that can be hard in an environment where lots of students don't really care. Also it does sound like she would be better with a third person teaching her. DG

[Daogroupie]

Also you mention electronic gadgets and taking them away. We don't have any except phones for communication but friends who have dc's who do find them a very effective way of rewarding their dc's for work done. The gadgets are kept locked in a cupboard and are awarded for effort for a time period and then returned to the cupboard. Your wife seems to be a major part of the problem. I could share lots of stories about life for students in bad schools that might make her focus a bit more on getting to a good school. Perhaps she wants to be liked by your dd as a friend instead of being the parent. It is so much easier to let them do what they want especially if they have friends who have parents who are not that interested in education. But they will not thank you for it when they are older and do not have the opportunities available to them that other students who had parents who did the hard parenting job have. DG

[SleepyHead]

Food all lying around on the floor down the corridors, lots of damaged equipment, really disgusting graffiti in the toilets and on the workbenches in science. If your dd is interested in doing well at all she needs to understand that can be hard in an environment where lots of students don't really care. DG

What a brilliant idea! I only thought to visit the ones DD would love to go to, not the ones we want to avoid. Absolutely fantastic - our local comps are utterly awful!.

[Ashka]

Thanks for all the advice and encouragement, I really appreciate it. My wife and I had a very big argument about all of this and since then my wife isn't talking to me but my daughter seems to be studying now. I hope she doesn't feel guilty or thinks she may have caused the argument.

What ever it is, she seems to have settled down now......lets hope it lasts.

I can't really afford to pay for tution, but that would resolve the issue. I will take her to the local schools as well.

[mystery]

Well good and bad - I hope your wife speaks to you again soon. It must be very quiet at home with your wife not speaking and your daughter studying!