My invisible child

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BucksBornNBred
Posts: 1031
Joined: Thu Aug 13, 2015 4:01 pm

Re: My invisible child

Post by BucksBornNBred »

Confession; I am painfully shy by nature but learnt to "act" as if I was confident. Being shy doesn't have to mean that you are always in the background and no one ever realised in my adult life that I was shy, as I learned to cover it up and in doing so, controlled it. My DS is shy too (despite my best efforts), especially in group situations (always pushed/moves to the back of the queue) but he enjoys being centre stage in Xmas plays and has even joined the debating club in yr7. And my niece is an elective mute (which is even more debilitating than shyness) but she is achieving well at HS. I believe that shyness can be overcome; but I really agree that you need to speak with the teachers to make sure your DC is included in class as it will help with her confidence and maybe with her shyness too :-)

As an aside, I would also say that, from what I saw when I was a parent helper in our primary, on the whole the teachers always chose the top pupils when things were presented in front of the class or work shown; they may have been the teachers' pets for all I know but it was year in and year out the same pupils and I think a lot of pupils were overlooked for praise (in general, not thinking of my DS because I came to know (and love) all of the children). Just be willing to speak to the teacher is my only advice.
loobylou
Posts: 2032
Joined: Thu Nov 27, 2014 5:04 pm

Re: My invisible child

Post by loobylou »

BLuedrop wrote:Thanks everyone for your responses. My DD is very shy. She tries not to draw attention to herself. She has always been like that. I am not sure why. I accepted it as her own unique personality.

I will ask to speak to the teacher and as some of you suggested, I will ask her to work with me to get my DDs confidence up.
For what it's worth, both my children have been at a state primary (ds still there) and there is a very definite kudos to being able, to answering questions and to coming top (as well as very good special needs work). I think parents of more average children in our school would be complaining that their child is invisible. My children therefore have developed a huge confidence and are perfectly happy to stand out at the top of a class (which has stood dd in good stead for secondary school).

I don't understand the point you are trying to make! Are you seriously saying average children are the only ones that are invisible?? What does that have to do with YOUR children developing confidence to stand out ?
Sorry I have just read back what I wrote and I agree - it doesn't make a lot of sense. Apologies. What I was trying to say was in response to your question "is it always like this in state primaries? " by saying that, no it isn't. I think there often are children who are unfortunately overlooked as, in a class of 30, that can be difficult for a teacher to avoid but, in my experience of my one school, that was the middle of the pack and I saw those parents getting deeply frustrated by the fact that the same kids always got recognition or praise. I wasn't saying that this was good or acceptable, just that you definitely shouldn't assume that all bright quiet children will inevitably be overlooked. It is something that should be brought to the teacher's attention as some teachers think they are helping a shy child by allowing them to melt into the background and it's important they know how to handle your child and her particular needs.
Sorry what I wrote was so muddled earlier. I would edit it but that's hard on my phone. ..
BLuedrop
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Joined: Wed Jan 30, 2013 11:46 am

Re: My invisible child

Post by BLuedrop »

Thanks again everyone for your inputs. Much appreciated.
Amber
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Joined: Thu Sep 24, 2009 11:59 am

Re: My invisible child

Post by Amber »

A few random thoughts here.

I am privileged to work and study with people from all over the world, and in many cultures it is considered rude and ignorant to shout out in class, or even talk to the teacher. It isn't a sign of stupidity, and people can still learn without being 'in your face'. Not every child wants to be the centre of attention.

As G55 said, there is a possibility that a child will behave differently in front of a parent.

I don't think it is right that naturally shy and quiet children should be encouraged (by things like drama classes and assertiveness training) to become 'more outgoing' unless they actually don't feel happy with the way they are. We need quiet, reflective types as well as shouty 'look at me' ones. Expecting children always to want to contribute in class isn't necessarily the Good Thing we tend to assume it is, though I do believe that all should be taught to work together and co-operate. If a child can't do that, then yes there is a problem, but not being the one calling out for attention isn't an issue in itself. If you can demonstrate that this lack of overt engagement is actually affecting her learning, then that is different. Two of my children apparently spent most of primary school gazing out of the window and we were told at a sixth form evening that another one was still doing it (!) but it categorically didn't affect any grades in either case, at least not adversely!

When I was a primary school teacher, however, I took enormous pleasure in casting the overlooked children into the star roles in school plays - the nativity was my responsibility and I made sure all the little girls whose mothers thought they should be angels on account of their oft-remarked-upon 'prettiness' ended up as shepherds, and the ones with less of a positive view of themselves shone as angels. My three kings were the 'likely lads' too. Call me wicked, but I really got a kick out of that. :twisted:
Tinkers
Posts: 7240
Joined: Mon May 16, 2011 2:05 pm
Location: Reading

Re: My invisible child

Post by Tinkers »

I wish my DD had had you as a teacher Amber.
By year 6 DD had almost got to the stage that with a little encouragement she would talk in front of people. She audtioned for the school leaving play. She was not picked whereas 'louder' children who didn't audition were picked instead for the bigger parts. She had one line. She wasn't not happy that after finally having the courage to want to take part she was still overlooked.

I'm not expecting DD to be the life and soul of the party in class. I'm not too worried about comments from teachers 'she could contribute more in class'. Some of them have her figured out. One even said 'when I want someone I know will give me the right answer I'll ask Miss Tinkers'. She doesn't want to be the centre of attention, I don't see that as a bad thing as such.

I know how crippling shyness can be, I don't want her to be loud and brash, I just want he to be able to engage with the world around her and not get too overlooked because she won't speak up.

Inset day today so we went shopping. There's a piano in the shopping centre. I asked her to play. She did. Nothing loud and in your face, but she played. :D :D
doodles
Posts: 8300
Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 9:19 pm

Re: My invisible child

Post by doodles »

Amber wrote:When I was a primary school teacher, however, I took enormous pleasure in casting the overlooked children into the star roles in school plays - the nativity was my responsibility and I made sure all the little girls whose mothers thought they should be angels on account of their oft-remarked-upon 'prettiness' ended up as shepherds, and the ones with less of a positive view of themselves shone as angels. My three kings were the 'likely lads' too. Call me wicked, but I really got a kick out of that. :twisted:
Oh Amber, that's my kind of nativity. :lol:

Being a little further through school than the OP can I just give you a ray of light. My eldest DS (17yo) has always been what I call socially hesitant. Never the lead in plays and assemblies, never the bouquet presenter or prize winner. On the rugby pitch he's in his element but otherwise he's the type with a few but good friends and they are not necessarily rugby players. We were having one of those rare meaningful mother-son chats in the summer and his words were "I know I'm not the go to social person but I'm happy". He was telling me that he's finally grown into his own skin and I can see he is genuinely happy. I'm proud to say he is turning into a well respected young man. So have patience, support and scaffold those quieter children and believe me they will blossom in their own time.

I just thank goodness we are all different, the world would be very quiet if we were all reserved and completely exhausting if all of us were uber party people.
mystery
Posts: 8927
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2009 10:56 pm

Re: My invisible child

Post by mystery »

I once wrote to the headteacher and said that parents could have pretty much predicted each year who was going to get the main parts in shows, assemblies etc. I enjoyed writing it but I don't think it went down too well.
doodles
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Joined: Tue Oct 27, 2009 9:19 pm

Re: My invisible child

Post by doodles »

:lol: :lol: :lol:
booellesmum
Posts: 611
Joined: Mon Jul 27, 2015 7:44 am

Re: My invisible child

Post by booellesmum »

Tinkers wrote:I wish my DD had had you as a teacher Amber.
By year 6 DD had almost got to the stage that with a little encouragement she would talk in front of people. She audtioned for the school leaving play. She was not picked whereas 'louder' children who didn't audition were picked instead for the bigger parts. She had one line. She wasn't not happy that after finally having the courage to want to take part she was still overlooked.

I'm not expecting DD to be the life and soul of the party in class. I'm not too worried about comments from teachers 'she could contribute more in class'. Some of them have her figured out. One even said 'when I want someone I know will give me the right answer I'll ask Miss Tinkers'. She doesn't want to be the centre of attention, I don't see that as a bad thing as such.

I know how crippling shyness can be, I don't want her to be loud and brash, I just want he to be able to engage with the world around her and not get too overlooked because she won't speak up.

Inset day today so we went shopping. There's a piano in the shopping centre. I asked her to play. She did. Nothing loud and in your face, but she played. :D :D
This post actually made me cry. Really well done to your DD. That is amazing and so positive.
As a complete introvert myself,and with DD1 very shy also, I completely understand.
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