I am so very very very sorry for you and your family and I fully understand all of what you expressed. We have a son at the top end of grammar and so we are very familiar with and very supportive of the school. Our son is high flyer at the school and no one dreamed for one second his younger brother wouldn't get through.
As a parent, if you have seen the life of the school close up, (via the older child) you know instinctively whether your other children would thrive there. Like you, we had no doubts that our son would not only fit - and fit very well - but that he would really run with the opportunity given to him. He was so looking forward to everything the school can offer. To be honest the school is not the most well equipped, it is not the one with state of the art equiptment, it is however, the one where the whole ethos and enviroment is deeply academic and a fantastic place for kids who just want to learn and aren't too bothered about having the latest interactive white boards or whatever else other schools have.
I can imagine how you feel. We have had to seriously consider homeschooling which, although we would survive, would be a tragedy as our son has tons to give and is a great, polite, friendly socialable child. (In my humble opionion
I do hope you make the right decision for your daughter. I wanted to send you a personal message John, but you aren't registered hence this public message, but I did want you to know that both my husband and I read your message and were so very sorry for you and your family.
In our area there is no 12plus or anything like that - but in areas where they do have it some people have chosen to send their children to a private school for a year and then have another go at 12+. From your very sad message I assume this is not a possibility for you?
I do hope there will be a happy solution to your dilemma John - you are a close knit family you say, and your daughter sounds like a great kid, pull together and stay strong. What has happened does not change who your daughter is - she is still the wonderful bright child she was before 11+ - remember that. Yes wonderful opportunites have been denied her, and that is tragic... and hurtful ...and devestating... and just leaves the most horrible feeling of injustice; but pull your family around you John, rise to this challenge and fight back with whatever resources you have - and I am not talking about financial resources.
I really feel for you all.